Up to Date

Idk what it's like to be an immigrant ... But I know an ounce of being othered. I have issues with taking care of myself, but I'm trying to keep it together as long as possible... The façade of being ok is more important than being ok. Happy Father's Day... Thanks, Dad.

I am moving soon. Idk where, yet. I am so very tired.

...

How should young foreign people (immigrant students) define their American dreams? Define their generation? That is what the fight is... I went through a microcasm of trauma every few years, from when I was 6 to about 22...I felt out of control. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be doing what was happening.... 

My cohorts went through 3 to 6 years of college life and graduated and had the roommate experience.... Dorm life. Student debt. 

Barely graduated hs, I failed 1 year of university in bumfuck KY, had a year or two of black-out drinking in ATL, got graped, moved back in with my crazy loon of a mother, and had a kid... Almost died giving birth, gave them to good people, idk what they look like now, let alone what they sound like... Idk if they're still alive. ....I didn't have the supporting partner who wanted to learn me as is, back then. Unsure if I ever had a partner like that. Who sought out my attention and planned dates. I'm so freakishly tired all the dang time. I'm exhausted. I don't have a home. Idk if I ever did ...

I can map out every place of residence from childhood to now... I think it was a survival skill... 

But I didn't. I have only ever successfully lived with other people who loved me... Or loved me how they wanted to, but never bothered learning me. I would learn so much about them... But be exhausted all the time. Asking for help was defeat... Admitting you can't do it alone, anymore... Failure. I'd ask for help, and then whatever I'd say, would be thrown back in my face enough to learn that THAT person wasn't safe anymore. 

I had thought my life was to graduate and marry and have kids... And it was all a lie. My future was ripped from me in one night of finding temporary attention and mistaking it for an intimate connection for future endeavors. He was pierced with arrogance. He got fired...a lot. I will never date a chef, again. Service member, lol... Service industry tool. 

If y'all got your shit together, enough, y'all could put together a service industry union and really start a revolt.... Keep turning the tide with villages working together and really learning to love yourself but fight against the bourgeoisie, the upper middle class is still closer to becoming unhoused. What can you do to mindfully mind the other? Cooks can be ignorant and stubborn... But they're loyal.

But they're usually the most creative. Those who really show their passions off... is that what I'd want to connect with? Yes. I miss living with well-informed ND folks, and that was usually family... Blood family. Never G. 

You always wondered what your siblings or cousins thought of you... What your parents thought of you... Bc they kept assuming they know you. But they got everything wrong. When my grandfather died, I feel like a lot of things were left unsaid. ...would it have been better if Grandpa had kept a daily account of his thoughts and feelings? For us to find later? 

If something was to befall me, suddenly, I'd want there to be a record of me. And what I actually thought about others... Those that I admire, and why.... And those that disappointed me, and why. They can work through their own feelings... I won't be around for them to yell at. 

Emotions exist to feel what was gained or lost ... I want to matter somewhere to someone, every day... I'd want people to want me around and see when I need to be loved. How do you find that intimacy? How does one feel safety, again? Control outside oneslf and what perception can be altered? I feel like I'd fuck up with a sub... I don't want to make others feel less than.

 ...the people I feel like siblings towards are... Coworkers? And apparently that's ... Weird? To say ily to a coworker is weird? But how do I function around others without first the extension of friendship and love? 

But how else do people make friends? I never want to feel like I'm being overbearing, or that I'm using another human... but there are rules for a reason. Idt you understand how rigid I have to be with myself and what I expect out of others. At work, younger coworkers are there to socialize and buzz about. I am there to work and be meaningfully busy. I have my off days, everyone does.

15% of autistics have FT jobs. I have to talk to so many different kinds of people on a day to day basis... I'm not too sure what to say to people whenever they're rude to me or I just haven't the words for defense. But I feel like I use up all my spoons at work and when I'm home, I disassociate and doomscroll for hours.... Or write a long ass deep af entry here. Lol. 

...

I figure I'm going to work most of my life, and I'm not programmed or a sevant enough to be in front of a screen making big money.... I figure it would be best for me to work for those who already treat others with respect and certainty.... Basic human rights? Integrity? My bosses are married, but the guy is probably the second white guy in my employer history that has both NEVER made fun of me and has never hit on me. The bar is in hell. Lol. 

"I should've gone into rocks." 

Classic. 

...I am very grateful for my job but I feel like I'm at the seams, ripping open. I wish they utilized Insta more and filmed things behind the scenes. People love that shit. 

Being a certain way at work... Understanding that I represent a facet of the company.... We are building a brand.... Entering an established tone at work... One must have drive, integrity, and tenacity. I can socialize, but I can't separate from the tasks at hand. I can't verbalize tasks, I just like to do them. I'm not a trainer... But I can suggest feedback. The newer people are trying my patience. 

...

Going-out culture? No thanks. Alcohol to fuck or flirt? No thanks. I'll remain sober... You learn a lot about people when they're drunk and you're not. People gravitate towards me without me trying and it's... Idk what to do with their attention. I'm supposed to be an entertainer with that gravity, right? 

...

I like to go out on Sundays and Mondays... When the idiot early 20 somethings at 9 to 5s, m to f's are recovering from their party show off market nights of style and grace of whose who at what college and where? 

Going-out and thriving, where y'all hooking up and learning about surviving?

...

How can I be your friend if I don't respect you? I think my own father is a coward bc he's a fascist/Skidmarx supporter, and he's never been able to forgive my mother of handing him divorce papers 30 years ago, and he married a narcissistic zealot nut job with a praise complex, not a kink... This bozo woman was a nightmare to live with... We had to use her name constantly. Hello Gertrude. Good morning Gertrude. How are you, Gertrude? We had to greet and acknowledge her by name all the time. It was exhausting... Using terms like Stepmom and "real mom" was offensive to her. Lol. She wanted us to refer to our mother as "biological mom" ... Uh uh. I am a biological mother. My mom is and always has been my real mother. She's flawed, just like we all are. She's the only parent that has asked for my forgiveness, and she has received it. But I cannot forget, and thus I write. Someday she'll read these words. I hope it doesn't kill her. 

...

It's incredibly dismissive when my stepmom reduces my account of yelling and trauma, me as "oh I don't remember any of that..." ....how lucky for you, G. See, she loves her name.... Fucking conservative cunt. I'm not using your name, Gertrude. Lol. Hint, it's not Gertrude. 

Fascist white Nationalist rich assholes who want to be praised bc they want to be commended for befriending the People of Color refugees... for the brownie points. But they think they're superior to the unhoused when disdain drips from their lips, "pathetic people"....yeah, my folks really encompass what hardships they are for white people.... Boofuckinghoo. "There will always be poor people." ~Gertrude. 

Both of them think that Affirmative Action is racist. Lol. 

"Don't you just love being Catholic?!"

~also Gertrude, right after the 3 hour latin mass for Brother's wedding.

"Sit with other family" ~dad. For Brother's wedding ceremony to me, his older sister. Lol

*Groan*

But like, they keep wanting me to join the church, never asking the right questions of why not? Assuming I am a completely different way that I am... 

I see myself in the unhoused in this city. I am well-aware that they could be me... But I'm pretty sure people would intervene if there was a problem, right? Would people notice me not around? Would people notice me there? 

June 14th ...

This past weekend must've been insane and there were definitely some orgies... Lol

...

When I was a kid, I already watched a lot of HBO Real Sex and TV Movie reruns and late night skinamax baaaaaaaadly written p0rno scenarios bc p0rn wasn't on the Internet yet... Dialup wasn't the best for impatient teenagers that downloaded everything... Lol

For the record, I am still technologically-inert. I don't know nuthin. I used to ... Knew all the buttons and all the specs, and then trauma happened... Usually a lot of yelling and too-loud/startling voices. 

Every few days, it seemed, mom would be yelling at us her frustrations with "YOUR FATHER IS STEALING MY MONEY" and when I was grown, my father just wanted my bank information so he could deposit money into my account easier... for him, back then, it was easier than facing her and have to physically give her money like some commoner... Lol. Some "baby daddy" lol.... 

The image that he has to uphold that he gave me the best he could ... That he just remembers the life HE gave me.... not willing to know or read about the constant trauma I had to endure at both houses ... The trauma of being yelled at was jarring. I don't recall what was actually yelled... I probably just had to stop what I was doing and go to my room. Talk to myself, or dissociate and daydream about being another human.... Imagine I could be another person in an adventure... It's been quite the adventure so far ... I've had to constantly battle myself. And what I'm worthy of ...

And what I inherited was unchecked rage of keeping face as currency like a reputation... What I'd actually like to be is an adult human that can get stuff done for herself and actually do things for herself. But I feel like I'm constantly battling myself within, like there's so much shame around asking for the right kind of help, from the right human. Choose wisely. You keep asking for help ... But you can't keep track of which lives to be. As a kid, there was a lot of trauma. 

...

I'm pretty self aware, but I am sometimes unaware. And no one can tell me when I fuck up, so I fear I keep being a butt wipe in public, doomed to seem arrogant. Doomed to seem pathetic.

I can't be aware all the time... I have no idea how to attract the type of man I like ... Aesthetically, calm. Bearded. Steady job. Steady passions outside of work. Touch love language. Tattooed, but like... Not rigid. Playful. Goofy. Not so serious. Can hold a conversation and is a good writer. Talks to themselves pretty well... Big nerd. Would help if they were a Whovian and loved animation. 

...

I gotta tell my stories before I go so, they know I was accumulating them for them to know me later... After me. A.E. not just a TV channel. I gotta be an entertainer so they can easily find me... My adventures are for them. So I can provide them Easter eggs and stories to seek out later. Hopefully my legacy is silly and kind and brave. 

...

Lifetime agency app SCARES me. They employ 1000+ social workers to connect to... Like tindr, but for birthmoms and possible homes for babies... 

Dystopian. Babies and children are not currency... Ever. I don't understand. I gave my kid to a family who was ready for them, emotionally. I felt like if I had kept my kid, I probably would've k.lled my mother. Lol... 

She's a nightmare to live with... I was always supposed to take care of others... But I never learned to take care of me. I have never lived completely on my own... I have never had to pay a phone bill since I was 25. I have never had a best friend that stuck around. It was always circumstances. 

I've been wanting to go back to STL but I am afraid. Afraid of who I'll run into... In my hometown... What histories are recalled.

..

But I hope they grow into a good human being, bc I couldn't take care of them the way I wanted to. I wanted someone to see me, fall in love with me, choose me, and be my partner in life, bc I chose them for the same reasons. I chose to spend time with them. 

And all they do is whine.... If he complains a lot....toss him out. I don't date simps. And I def don't date whiney men. Friends? Sure. You say you're going to do something, do it. 

I don't have anything at home that I'd like to be doing. It is so hard to gather strength to start and finish a puzzle task if I don't plan out every step. How can I also be in charge of numbers and eating correctly?

Glitch. 

...I'm always late to the game of "milestones." As soon as I equated everyone at school, crushing on them, I didn't know them personally. They were just pretty. But I aggressively flirted. I hope no one was damaged bc of me... I never really felt sexual towards my friends in school, let alone classmates. The wet dreams I recall having were fictional characters from TV and movies. I understood them to be not real, so I didn't feel icky about things I would imagine. I understood the actors were performing characters, and thus I could utilize the fictional characters... Consent is sexy and mandatory these days. 

I understand ND a lot better than NTs... I miss living with them. 

...

But it wasn't so much the clashing of naked bodies beyond the p0rn scenarios I had witnessed on unsupervised TV. When I started dating in Jr. year of HS, I didn't understand expectations. I tried dating my best friend for two weeks but I couldn't kiss him. Too much pressure. Did he want p0rn? Bc I knew what those women did and I wasn't ready to be those women. ...but how would I have known to use such words of defense.

Were there groups of children banging each other in their high school years? Gross. I wasn't at that level of promiscuity until much later in life (now)... Sapphic subby men want a lot. And I flirt well and have standards... Clipped and trimmed nails, a must. Nonsmoker of nicotine. Tatted. Bearded. Good at giving ;))). Touch language. Mutual respect and can vocalize their feelings.

...

Trying new stuff, I remember learning in biology that our respective parts were the reason we felt ways about others .... And I honestly don't care what plumbing you have ... It has never made sense to me how a genital part and urinary tract, can dictate who I can and cannot love. 

Do I have a preference, when I'm in the mood for physical pleasure? Yes. And I'm very good at what I like to do.... But not many are privvy to that specific information. And I don't write about that here... So. If you don't know, believe me, you'd know ... But I'd have to respect you and know you respect me as a human. How hot is that? 

...

I'm so exhausted. It feels like I have whiplash everyday. I feel too whiney if I complain or ask for help too much. How would one come to the cavilary? How would anyone want to save me from myself? I am definitely malnourished... And I am quenched of physical, unconditional touches...

...

...

...

From rich white people's perspectives... 

John and Kitty can't go to their favorite restaurant anymore bc they refuse to vote for MARTA expansions but they only tip 10% on a $70+ticket? Lol. 3% of that goes to the credit card companies. ... It all stacks up... If y'all stop using your snuff boxes for two seconds, remove your head out of your collective asses and look at the bigger fcking picture... 

Vote for the expansion, pay servers MORE for good service, and treat everyone with dignity.

If people in the service industry locked arms... Pooled money and networks... Interesting how class wars would wage for more wages. How are we as women supposed to care for our many grown children ages? 

I feel like the service industry is the low bearing bit for our economy. ...take away the service of eating out and see how the rich will buckle. They have to stay in and cook for themselves? The audacity.

.

My stepmother likes to romanticize being a server... But she'd never survive. She doesn't need a job like that. She's mastered feeling superior, but she wouldn't keep her mouth shut long enough to keep it or earn tips... 

Long hours... Really work hard for the smallest of paychecks... 

She wouldnt make enough to survive. 

But then, I barely do. My tolerance is growing smaller for what I'd want out of life and goals ... How do you plan for the unexpected? 

How does one build up a life you've always wanted, and strive for? How do you achieve what you thought was unobtainable? 

Snow.