Nobody Asked

Do you ever wonder about what your family would discover or uncover about you if you suddenly left? Would they notice? How many days before the stench settled in, f your absence? 

What would be the most surprising to them? The variety of cereal you purchased for yourself for "meals?" Or the variety of sex toys? 

Would there be evidence of all your failures stacked up in a corner or would there be proof that you tried? 

I'm really good at sobbing silently. Of writing woes so no one has to hear me wail. I try to keep everything together, but I feel like I keep everyone at arm's length. No one is safe if they can't see me as is. .... 

No one can be trusted. Everyone lies to the pretty girl. I have many flaws like everyone else... The rooms I can afford to rent are getting smaller. I wish I could vanish and travel... But I'm bogged down with stuff. The people and personalities that used to get stuff done are just packages of trauma I don't have time to unpack. I want to be able to clean and organize but I just get home and unravel. I have no one. I don't feel like home. Where is home? 

I wish I could build the life I want, but how do I ask for the right help from those who can afford it? How do I make friends and a network work, without The Church?

I can't rely on my father bc all he'll say or suggest is church church church.... Without ever asking the correct questions. 

If I reduce myself and squish myself back into the box of identity that is, The Church.... I'd have made myself smaller. I'd have cut off pieces of myself, again, for another... I'd have become less than. 

It is so difficult thinking about everything I have to be doing all the time. There's so much to deal with and I don't know where to start ... I don't want people to keep bailing me out... I want to do it myself, but there's no wrapped up life lesson for me to adhere to... I wish I had a significant other that I could confide in and come home to. Home.... How do you create a home life for yourself when everything is all in the air? No one visits for just me. No one reaches out for my company. No one needs me. I'm not reliable anyway, right? 

My sister folded, had a mental break down, buckled... She became someone's wife out of expectations... Idt shed marry him again if given the chance. She is so sad and withdrawn. She always has to feel in charge... I never want to feel like she's in charge of me ... I am not her kid... I do not want my social life to bleed over to my family. 

Idt they'd blend well. My BIL's mother doesn't approve of gay people... I am of the gay community now. Part of being out and proud is wearing the difficulties that comes with. I worry that if I'm all the way out, I'd be totally rejected. 

But I barely speak with them as is so.... It wouldn't be the worst change. 

I don't want to date someone for marriage or kids.... I want to get to know someone for themselves. I want people to get to know me, but how do I control who knows what? We are all in-depth pools of history and baggage... How do we know which is ok to shoulder for awhile for a loved one? 

Love an ood.

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When I do find another place to live... What will the promises be? Will the amenities outweigh the rough terrain? How do I find my happy ending? Everyone is in a state of flux. Everyone never accomplished something blemish free.... Scathed and beaten along the way makes prizes that more shiny. ... 

It seems everyone got their little family of foundlings from their years at undergrad or college years, in general.... I have Shake, but he's as far away as everyone else. 

When I go, I want to find Wendy and travel the cosmos with her. I miss her a lot. 

Why do people have to suffer so much for others to take notice? 

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I had to live in so many different places. I had to have forced fun wherever we went for fun... But playing around didn't last. No one cares about me anymore. People reach out. ...but no one sees me beyond my beauty. 

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I have so much trauma around cleaning and trying to live on a day to day. There were very little consistencies I can draw on to make this thing called life, work.... But idk where to start. Everyone else seems to have 1000s more $ than I do, and people go on vacations and travel? How does that happen? What do they do to check in on their money? How do they manage their lives? 

Do they do the same thing every day? How do you do the same thing every day? How do I plan for a future that isn't set in stone? 

What's the point of working? So I don't waste away or go insane. What skills do I have that would create more revenue for me? I'm so mentally exhausted at the end of my days.... How do I even feed myself properly, on a regular basis? 

How would I market myself to the masses? How do I make others adore me? Admiration is exhausting. 

Seeking admiration is stupid. You can't make someone admire you... That's not mutually exclusive to liking or respecting someone... 

I don't admire, nor respect, my own father. I don't respect my mother, but I miss how she would always be there... But I wouldn't want to live with her again and I'd put up more boundaries and be prepared for fighting with loud voices. 

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How would I find someone who can match me in emotional intelligence annnnnd wants a home? And a house {condo}? ....how many hours can I put in being gay until I find someone to love and see me and accept who we are apart and together? How do I find someone to build a life with? Build something worth fighting for? 

How do you keep going? How do you lift yourself up without a congregation? 

...I think I put too much effort in at work and have invested too much in coworkers... I never want to feel obligated... But I do enjoy taking care of others. 

I would half joke with Crickets that I was raised to become someone's wife and someone's mom... I wonder if he was eternally screaming at me that he didn't want those aspects in me... Idk what he wanted... But it certainly wasn't me. 

...where's my fairy dragqueen?...a long with a gay montage and a great soundtrack... 

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One thing I've noticed while in improv class, is that observing people's interactions with others... Who likes who? Does it matter? Who is already taken? Who is interested in another? Friendship or more? Who is too shy? Who would want to know more but can't bring themselves to even say hello... 

I have a crush in class. Unsure what team he bats for, but he's 6+', bearded, and bald. Surprise surprise. I'm in no shape to date anyone new. I barely see my partners now... Let alone get any....

How do I restructure my life for myself? How do I work at what I want with the resources I have?

I know I'd have a home in STL if I was to call upon people... But moving back to STL feels like defeat to me. It feels like failure. I feel like I'm just now tip toeing into this city, and I'm moving in the middle of it.... 

....saw a few rooms. I met some new people in the last few days.... Had to decline a room, but would like to possibly see a movie with some of them some time. Very pretty men. Not good living situation... Too sticky... But could be a fun romp. 

.......I'm not on any of the dating apps. I either met you out in the wild or you're friends with one of my friends... ...no in between. 

Snow.