idk rn

I attracted a subby man at a Munch. Surprise surprise... 

Look, everyone likes different music, different media ... What have you. 

However, guys...gays. the whatever's out there:

HE DOESNT ...DIDNT KNOW WHO OUTKAST WAS. *screech the record* 

Right? I'm some Midwestern misfit and even iiiiiiiiiiiiii know who OUTKAST is. 

I have never been so turned off in my life. Lol. Gtf away from me. If you don't know who OutKast is, then you certainly don't know Andre is... So. Nope. 

Lol

....

I tend to grow immune to bad smells bc that was childhood. A lot of bad smells to and from each household. Mom would let the sink pile up and rot, every 14 days and we had a little brother to clean up, after. 

Back and forth. Every two weeks. Drastically changing income tax brackets back and forth. From a multimillion-dollar household to an atmosphere much like Married with Children, only my mother was single and white... Back and forth we went.... A back and forth we stayed...

I don't think my dad wants to ask so many in depth questions about how I remember the discipline and trauma from my point of view. The pain and anguish his wives would cause us as growing-into-adult-women... as far as setting expectations of our future partners ... Sister buckled and complied. 

I will defy defy defy. I am fascinating and creative. Absolutely none of me would want a child man... A person who never bettered himself to be a good person... My stepmom would sooner pair me up with someone from church and sentence me to internal sadness like what befell Sister. What else was she going to do with her life? 

None of me wants her to feel trapped. And I certainly don't want to feel trapped in a loveless marriage... Just going through the motions of "what we are supposed to be" doing... Saying ... Acting.... Taking care of

.... Deciding what to eat. 

What to wear

How to act

I feel so stuck and yet, drained of everything. 

I know there's something more to life than "getting ahead"... I want to be able to connect... But determining who is safe to be myself around and who to mask around is ridiculously drastic. And a constant fight to find those said-safe people... 

If I felt more at home, there would probably be more black people, to be completely honest. Black people imprinted on me, early on in life bc I was othered in my whole family...Except Grandma Velma... My first grandma...

No wonder I got along with those who have been constantly othered in society.... EVEN THOUGH their culture is appropriated every few years... 

When I get an attitude, there's a code switch.... Idt a lot of people are ready for my face to have that come out of it... So they don't know how to take it. I also take the time to acknowledge their existence and respect them enough to look at them in their face.... Idt a lot of POC are used to that... Like, I'm sure they see other good white people... But do they know the difference between them and people who speak jive? 

I know what a safe space is, I know who safe people feel like, I try to also be a safe space. All I can do is live my life the way I'd like to be treated.... And that's never been the way my family forgets I exist... 

I tend to be hyper independent, but my family doesn't feel safe confiding in about the intense help that I need to function on a day to day basis. 

"She's almost 40, whats she waiting for?"

I'm waiting for people who give a damn about me enough to directly invite me to things and happenings. I'm trying to insert myself into the comedy show here in Atlanta, so we'll see if other people resonate with me... "You're too pretty to be into sci-fi" ~stepmom

Bet.

...

Dating Crickets taught me about responsibility, respect, and attentive listening... Acknowledging a partner and their feelings. It didn't have to be yelling... Calmly explain yourself... Wow. 

The bar was so low.... But the examples I had growing up were incredibly unhealthy and very damaging. The show, Bluey, actually really helps with that. They examplify how to argue out disagreements, properly 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 healthy recoveries, too.

As someone who didn't receive what everyone else may have, I'm glad there's a show out there that helps out families who are struggling with communication. 

I wish my surrounding adults gave a damn enough to learn me... Learn how to love me ... And how to talk to me. And now I have boundaries and standards. If you voted for the ShitStain, I automatically don't respect anything you think about me. 

But to love me. Is to respect me... Do I even respect myself? 

I don't want to ever abandon my ideals and morals to fit in somewhere where I'm not accepted as is? Where "loved ones" ask me to stifle myself for being me... Wut? That's not love, that's control. 

The only moral dimension of our lives is what we do with power. 

I am so tired of moving. I'm so tired of the world crashing down. I'm so tired of making decisions and making the right decisions. And making bad discissions and live in some fantasy world where I'm ok. Where my basic needs are met. What is that like? To have everything to function? I've never lived completely on my own, has anyone? I live and write my thoughts on my phone. I'm obsessed with my phone. I wish I wasn't. 

To have no money to go out and do anything fun with our other friends with money, who will take me out on a date... I am so very tired of moving and starting over. Over and over and over again. I can't be lived with. I can't change so drastically. I cannot adapt. I cannot keep churning butter in the deep end. I'm so very tired of moving. The size gets smaller with every cut loss... I want to be able to live down the street of a theater company...

...

Something has to change. I don't understand who to trust and when. Who can honestly respect me enough to let me shine? How do you ask for help from a loved one who keeps shoving damage back in my face like trauma goes away with time, but never inner-work of becoming a better person... 

I don't understand how he thinks that way... How can he keep peace when his own two daughters haven't a clue how to survive on their own, bc we kept striving for his approval.... I mean, Sister still wants approval, but from Dad. Lol. I am not her charge. I don't want his approval, I want ....I want to be praised... I'm unsure how to get what I want and also be safe and/or loved. 

I don't understand how to ask for help. I don't understand how to ask for help from other adults who are insane or are part of the religious hypocrisy.... There's this weird façade that everything's ok... That the end goal is still to pursue happiness... That if I just obtained my own place, life could continue... But the reality is Atlanta is going through some major growing pains....

But I'm unable to care for myself. Everything is so overwhelming when I'm home. Deciding what to eat, deciding if it's enough. Seeing if I can eat just enough to survive. Make sure your toes don't go numb.

My landlady gave me 60days as opposed to September which was the original plan... I can see why there's so many unhoused autistics. I don't want to be homeless... But there's little motivation to function. I never took care of my taxes because it's overwhelming. I try to figure it out and with 1 or 2 obstacles, I had stopped. That's with everything. Most people want to help, but they often help just enough, and then they pass judgement in what I'm not doing.  There's no body else keeping me on track. I'm stuck and stagnant. 

Everyone who has advice for me has an established someone. They have a support system who can provide and love and actually support ... How do I ask for support? How does a grown adult ask for support? I cannot keep piloting this meatsuit doing the same thing over and over. I would love to have a functioning system of a functioning routine... But it wasn't working back then... Idt I'm operating now. 

I am isolated bc I don't trust the adultier adults but I'm at like a teen in my maturity brain and self confidence. Is that too heavy to expose? Probably. But I cannot keep functioning like this... The world is hard on those that don't function how they're "supposed to ..." I was supposed to get married and be someone's wife and then mother.... Understanding that autistic women usually are taught a lot sooner to suppress hyper active activity earlier on, than men ... That the way we interpret the world... It wasn't all the way explained... I would just be yelled at over and over and over and the people I have to rely on do nothing for me, so I disassociate.... On everything. I don't know how to function around others. 

I have no money to go anywhere and what am I going to do if I do go... Where would I fit in? Where would it be secure enough for me to link me up with their connections? Outside of men who just want to fuck, it's hard to decipher when and who is safe. 

...

Snow.