Family Street

I miss living with family. I miss living with someone who loves me... But who liked me as is, who thought I was good enough... Good enough. 

I thought I had that with Crickets... But I think it was mutual limrence. I think he thought I was going to fix him. That because I was sweet and I was good, that he would be good enough. Like I was his accessory, a merit badge proving he was worth my time... I think he thought I was going to fix him? That I was going to mother him? 

I think he ran away from the man I wanted him to become... Someone who would go after a promotion to better our income... To better our way of life. But I was supposed to ....idk what I was supposed to do, according to him. He sobbed on my shoulder saying he failed me. He failed himself. 

I know what it's like taking care of others. All others. I haven't much experience with taking care of myself. It's really hard to keep track of anything. Everything. 

No one reads these. Lol

We all die in the end. ...who cares to read these? Lololol. 

...

I've isolated from family... I don't think they want me to succeed. I think they're assuming I'm going to fail this career as someone worth having around and go back to church as a last resort. I'm just not there yet. And I didn't want to resort to the church... They are closed-minded and he thinks of himself as better than others for it, and none of me wants that mentality. He despises panhandlers and beggers... I see people who are suffering and going through hard times. People with undiagnosed autism and mental illnesses. And my father confesses his disdain... When in fact, we are supposed to show compassion for our fellow man... 

............

And I haven't been told that I can't, yet. My story is mine to tell. Saturdays are very busy at the market. 

I am very overwhelmed. Shake! I need you to take note. When I feel comfortable on camera, I gotta tell the story of this fucking tattoo. Lol. Comedy gold, that story. 

Also at one point, we gotta tell the story of me having sex for the first time... Also comedy gold... 

Also Aussie. That fuckin guy. Oh! And Michael (the ex)! ... Stephanie's best friend in HS. 

Such common names. 

It's fine. Everything's fine. 

.........

We don't dream about our phones. 

Electric Sheep, much? 

........

I don't really know what I'm made of, there's just a lot of family attributes that I don't want to represent. We are what we represent... We are where we work... Right? ...or do I have that askew? Idk what it's like to have actual family support... That's not condescending or makes me feel like a child. No one wants to be belittled. 

But IDK how to ask for help. I keep wanting to tell my stories to the world, and I understand people are drawn to me, even without trying... Even without alcohol... But it's so much effort and energy to function, let alone live. Let alone feed myself beyond 5 rounds of charcuterie board fixings. 

My father made fun of my sister and her lack of skills back in 2017 or so when we rescued her from herself. It was our mission as good Catholics to find A MAN to fix us and save us and do everything for us ... We need to keep up the guise that everything is fine. 

Lol.

Thus why I keep this blog. A record of memories, thoughts, and my own opinions... The things that go unsaid in a family that's more concerned with appearances over healthy functioning. 

Maybe I should just send out an email to my family about my boundaries and the things I need help with. 

I feel like I keep asking the wrong people for help. My family isn't emotionally safe... And I didn't understand how to ask for help. I feel like keeping up the guise that I know how to do things.... Is more important. 

But I am so very tired of moving. I haven't a home I can call safe or homebase. I'm unsure how to view myself as that... Discipline when I was younger was taught through yelling and compliance, over taking care of yourself. ...idk how to function day to day. I want help from friends but there's no cohesive network of people I can call upon... Who would help just cause. 

Coworkers who have opinions about me also have someone to call their home... So I take their opinions as just opinions... But they have someone to come home to. They have a good partner... But functioning day to day is getting so much harder...

And now I have to move, again. I have to spread out and become a different person. Again. 

I am so very tired. 

But maybe I'll become a famous comedian? Lol. I'm mysterious enough? People gravitate towards me.... I shouldn't waste that. 

How do I weild myself and show that I'm worthy of this life? How do I get on someone's radar that I need help? More help? How do I seek the right help from someone who has the time and resources to help? Everyone else seems sad and annoyed at the state of the world. 

I am 100% spent at the end of the day. 

My roommate wants to renovate. Lol. I'm being displaced, again. Good luck finding materials to renovate. Lol. 

....I guess I have to get up now and get going. Working at the factory today... 

I feel like I turn into myself when I'm on a mic. When I'm entertaining... 

Oh! I started improv 2... Learning to work with others is fun. There's two very handsome men there... Bearded, ofc. 

Ok. My tummy is rumbling. 

I'm also excited to see my partner this weekend. I yearn for his affection. I wish I had them every day. But he has his own family. And I do love that structure... Those clear boundaries... But I want more. But how do I provide for myself and show up? For myself? Again? I'm not one of those sevants with computer skills and tech savviness to function in this world of money... 

I'm so distraught over finding yet, another place. It's really annoying. I don't know how to have interpersonal skills outside the workplace... Idk what it's like to have a home to come home to. 

How do I become my own home? 

...

Snow.