The St. Louis Snow

Do you ever wonder about what your family would discover or uncover about you if you suddenly left? Would they notice? How many days before the stench settled in, f your absence?  What would be the most surprising to them? The variety of cereal you purchased for yourself for "meals?" Or the variety of sex toys?  Would there be evidence of all your failures stacked up in a corner or would there be proof that you tried?  I'm really good at sobbing silently. Of writing woes so no one has to hear me wail. I try to keep everything together, but I feel like I keep everyone at arm's length. No one is safe if they can't see me as is. ....  No one can be trusted. Everyone lies to the pretty girl. I have many flaws like everyone else... The rooms I can afford to rent are getting smaller. I wish I could vanish and travel... But I'm bogged down with stuff. The people and personalities that used to get stuff done are just packages of trauma I don't have time to unpack....

Idk what it's like to be an immigrant ... But I know an ounce of being othered. I have issues with taking care of myself, but I'm trying to keep it together as long as possible... The façade of being ok is more important than being ok. Happy Father's Day... Thanks, Dad. I am moving soon. Idk where, yet. I am so very tired. ... How should young foreign people (immigrant students) define their American dreams? Define their generation? That is what the fight is... I went through a microcasm of trauma every few years, from when I was 6 to about 22...I felt out of control. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be doing what was happening....  My cohorts went through 3 to 6 years of college life and graduated and had the roommate experience.... Dorm life. Student debt.  Barely graduated hs, I failed 1 year of university in bumfuck KY, had a year or two of black-out drinking in ATL, got graped, moved back in with my crazy loon of a mother, and had a kid... Almost died giving birth,...

Topher saw her existing the club. He had sat in the old photo booth, half hiding from a phased Emcee who was unaware of personal space. She had on a waist belt made of Daisies.  His comedy set was ok. He wasn't that proud of the jokes. He thought he did ok. The headliner after him was bombing and had resorted to making fun of the drunk Emcee. Her sass and tenacity transcended her inhibitions and she tore him a new one on stage. She was the hilarious one. He was not funny.  That's when Daisy Belt left. She was white as snow, denim jacket, and her smile reflected her confidence. He wondered who she was in this city. He stays sober during shows, mostly. He doesn't need distractions or clog his brain. He's a performer.  Is Daisy?

I don't feel real. I feel like if I didn't exist, no one would notice for a few days.  Dad = church = unsafe Mom = also isolated= unsafe Sister = has her own issues = unsafe Brother = golden child = the church = unsafe I feel like I've isolated from the rest of my family even though I've tried reaching out to ppl that are safe... They are too busy.  I'm not about the going out culture anymore. I'm not about gaming. I'm not about alcohol or being stoned all the dang time...  I like to have long, in depth conversations. I love to hear about loved one's infodumps. I love karaoke... Making playlists. Listening to podcasts. Working. Watch movies/shows with loved ones. I would like to have more of a social life, outside of work, but I feel like no one sees me. No one wants to know me.  I don't exist.

I attracted a subby man at a Munch. Surprise surprise...  Look, everyone likes different music, different media ... What have you.  However, guys...gays. the whatever's out there: HE DOESNT ...DIDNT KNOW WHO OUTKAST WAS. *screech the record*  Right? I'm some Midwestern misfit and even iiiiiiiiiiiiii know who OUTKAST is.  I have never been so turned off in my life. Lol. Gtf away from me. If you don't know who OutKast is, then you certainly don't know Andre is... So. Nope.  Lol .... I tend to grow immune to bad smells bc that was childhood. A lot of bad smells to and from each household. Mom would let the sink pile up and rot, every 14 days and we had a little brother to clean up, after.  Back and forth. Every two weeks. Drastically changing income tax brackets back and forth. From a multimillion-dollar household to an atmosphere much like Married with Children, only my mother was single and white... Back and forth we went.... A back and forth we stayed... I ...

Sober for those times I can control how others see me.  To be perceived when in the care of one's loved one...  The green flags seen in another abound So clearly I see her, "Mirror, Mirror" The quantifiable reflection of the Attributes I love within me, reflect back pretty openly Purrrrrrrrrr.... Cat people. I hope to be as witchy as the life I want to lead...  I am The Nobletown Family's Village Witch...  Around fashion and statement jewelry.  The South Has Something To Say Loud and clear, them the rules I wear wtf I want. How I present to the world is how I like to be seen. My fashion sense is to dress for days planned out... I like to be prepared. I like to be thought of and respected... Someone I can respect back, even if rejected You dress like The Doctor. {=} Highest compliment.  Really, top shelf! Words of Affirmation and Touch? You have to be able to be trusted Not everyone is safe Words and lies leak through streets Memory lanes streak across rainy...

She perches on her bed Singing praise of her day Recalling the joy she felt  Late morning's ray Meeting a creative Promising days ahead Soul Cunts alive Those that scoff at Autism can't also understand why there's even a pride A Spectrum on Display Cancel cancelling ride or dies  Bleed thru silt, the same Fine as hell confidence like a queer Queen in question Any one's suggestion Never in opposition Public. Are you the one to talk? 

I'm accidentally supporting others.  Lol. I was looking for a friend's show, but I didn't want to leave... I was at the wrong venue. I then bought a ticket for something else at said-venue bc cute person was going? But then they didn't actual go.  Oops. Listen.... Cute person left. And I didn't want to walk down the street by myself... I'm still pretty.  I am bummed I messed it up.... Silver lining; I'll network, regardless. I met people a part of Fringe, too. Who would I talk to about partnering with Fringe. ...maybe work on something with coworker? ... Being checked out.... People lock eyes with me. I wonder what they think. I wonder if I make them nervous or curious or indifferent?  ... The show I attended was about tea time... The artist was topless but fun and was doing audience participation. Very cute. ...spilling the tea. Her mom was in the audience. It was a lot of fun... And probably less stimulation than what I wouldve attended down the street.......

I miss living with family. I miss living with someone who loves me... But who liked me as is, who thought I was good enough... Good enough.  I thought I had that with Crickets... But I think it was mutual limrence. I think he thought I was going to fix him. That because I was sweet and I was good, that he would be good enough. Like I was his accessory, a merit badge proving he was worth my time... I think he thought I was going to fix him? That I was going to mother him?  I think he ran away from the man I wanted him to become... Someone who would go after a promotion to better our income... To better our way of life. But I was supposed to ....idk what I was supposed to do, according to him. He sobbed on my shoulder saying he failed me. He failed himself.  I know what it's like taking care of others. All others. I haven't much experience with taking care of myself. It's really hard to keep track of anything. Everything.  No one reads these. Lol We all die in the end....

The last season of that show was horrendous...  Today Sunday...  I just attended a few shows at 2025 Atlanta Fringe Festival at The Supermarket Event Venue.... I started at the Lady's night show and the Barron Presents show about his actual show... Lol. Kinda meta.  But then I saw a one-man show of basically if Mr. Rogers did HipHop. I didn't get all the lyrics bc I always like the instrumental over lyrics ... And I'm white. Lol. Snow. You got it. But I figured out the festival.  It's an auditions convention. Invite influential people to showcase your art and make you the talk of the town! Interesting how people think of themselves. Definitely worth an observation and people-watching session.  Sour Watermelon THC seltzer is recommended.  ... I think I'd have a lot of people on my side now, however disjointed.  ... Game recognizes game. I'm an old lady... Not cool at all. But rizz sees rizz? I sound stupidly young. I'm almost 40. My shoes have Velcro. N...