Nothing Compares

/s. 

I love how my roommate owns this house and feels comfortable in her life to enjoy all of its offerings... It's a comfortable enough spot... It's a great house. 

But I rent a room. It's not home. I miss living with a dog. I don't really like her, just her. She's made comments about how I live my life and my habits of sleeping a lot. I am exhausted most of the time. Idk how I'm supposed to go out and socialize when I barely have any money. So I stay in. 

I liked going to the grocery store, but I like going to Kroger. Not Lidl.... 

She gets up in the morning and does yoga. Healthy person stuff. It's her house. But I look forward to having the morning to myself in this small house. 

She's made comments like cleaning the bathroom, "it only takes 5 seconds" ... I didn't know how to verbalize it in the moment, but it was so stupid and ableist. I have to think about every fucking step before I do it. It's fucking exhausting. But sure, it only takes 5 seconds. 

She leaves cabinets open allllll the time. After a year of living with her, she used my toothbrush to clean her nails bc she "forgot it was mine." ...??? 

I feel like she judges me harshly without asking discernable questions. I stay in my room bc I don't feel comfortable around her. Like I'm eating the wrong food or I'm doing something I shouldn't. ..."she doesn't bake anymore" I heard her tell her bf one evening... Yeah, wonder why. Is it bc I don't really feel like this is home? 

I've never felt like this was home... I miss the dog. 

The last time she spent the night at her Bf's when the dog Chip, was alive... She was at the door, bags packed, about to take him out for bedtime tinkles. She told me she wanted to sleep in. I offer to take him out for night time tinkles and I think she heard what she wanted... She heard an offer for a morning tinkles and breakfast. ... She took him outside for tinkles, and left. 

3 days later, Chip injured himself severely and she put him down. It was a very sad day. Her bf came over. We said our goodbyes... 

I really miss living with a dog. 

I really miss my roommate leaving more. 

I stay in my room... Where else am I supposed to go? I can barely think outside of work. Work is a necessity... It is a routine I have almost everyday that I'd be absolutely lost in life, without it. 

Autism has me wanting routines, but ones that are easily maintained... ADHD makes me want novelty and spontaneity.... It's a delightful fun through out life. 

Yelling and loud talking is a big trigger for me. Angry confrontation is a big way to shut me down all the way. She has never raised her voice at me. And I hate yelling and bringing up arguments. 

I keep things relatively clean... But my whole household was crammed into my room a year or so ago and I can't climb out of all the mess. I live on my bed and walk around it in a path. I hate it. I wish it was clean. I wish it was orderly... But I can't seem to organize it bc I can't expand outside my room. 

My roommate wants everything tidy and orderly... In the kitchen, sometimes I forget to eat, if food isn't at eye level. Or left out. Not out enough to attract bugs... But out so it reminds me to eat it. She didn't notice for a few weeks, and it was really making a difference in my eating habits... Eating more frequently. And then out of nowhere, she's like, "can't you put it away and just open a cabinet?" ...no. I can't. I'll forget to eat. 

I can't spread out of my room. I can't live like I want to... This isn't home. I haven't had a home since I was 7... I haven't had a place where I can be myself and the person living with me wanted me to eat and live well, like I to them. ... 

...

I had my student show of comedy class a week or so ago. It was nerve racking. I was timid about inviting my roommate out, but she kept asking for details so I gave it to her. Twice, over the course of a month and a half. Last minute, she decided the show was "too late" for her... So she did yard work instead and when I got home at 11, she was still up... So... It wasn't too late for her. 

She just didn't want to go. She could've gotten home from work at 6, taken a nap, and gone to my show. But even though she asked and asked, showing interest in my life... She cancelled last minute. 

I invited a lot of people from work... Everyone didn't show up and had excuses, afterwards. But I kept looking for them in the crowd... I'm not part of their lives like they are apart of mine. Is that sad? My bff showed up, and that's what counts. She's a great human being. 

I feel like I'm on a team when I'm there at work, but I'm lost and unloveable when I'm "home" ... 

I know my family loves me, but it's not unconditional. My father wants me to join the church and attend again, for resources, so he doesn't have to worry or provide. He wants to get rid of his responsibilities to having children... His Mistakes. 

My mother is a hermit. My sister has a lot of boundary and autonomy issues... I'll always be her little sister, but I am not a child. I'm not an invalid. She and her family trigger me a lot .. 

I just live in chaos. 

And I wish I didn't. I don't know how to get out of it.

Snow.

...great timing. She just told me right before I got to work that I have 60 days to move out. Fun. I have no idea what to do. I don't have any money. I have so much stuff.