Minimum

Someday, a life-long dream of mine is to be apart of DW, the show. I would love to personally meet at least one Doctor, if not River. 

I find a special interest and get hyperfocused. I find it very hard to focus on one objective at a time. How do I get from A to B when there are a plethora of their steps to accomplish, first? Not to mention, making decisions of what to eat, everyday... 

I have big massive worries looming overhead and then I have day to day issues...one anxiety is thinking I possibly have scurvy, so I drink cranberry juice and eat salmon, and eggs, and cheese, and cucumbers, and hot sauce. And hummus. So much hummus. I'm unsure if I'm anemic or malnourished. What vitamins do I take and when? What's the good routine to maintain my every thought in life? What should I be doing to maintaining my life? Another decision to be made. 

I love how there are people in this world who have the audacity of having an opinion of how I need to be coping or need to be doing whatever XYZ expectations they have with MY life to compare notes. Everyone who has an idea about how I should live my life, HAS A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY. HAS A HOME WHERE THEY FEEL LIKE THEMSELVES. Where I first felt seen was at the company I work for now. 

That feeling of mutual respect has been unmatched. And I have worked with A LOT of assholes. The people that own and run the company have integrity... They are in this reality, treating people with dignity and respect. I've definitely had a few hiccups of acceptable behavior but everyone has been forgiving... As long as I also exude dignity and mutual respect for others. 

And I don't have to do emails. I hated writing emails... People don't talk to each other like that. I talk to customers like people... People are not screens no matter how many smilie faces there are.... 

...

I am so exhausted at the end of my days, I come home and sit in my room. It's not like I have money to go anywhere. How do I ask for help when everyone else has their own issues to work at? When is the right time to ask for help? How much is taking advantage and how much is too little, I could do more? I try to do things on my own, and I fail. So I don't continue. I can do a lot. I stall out most times. I doomscroll... At least that pass time is free... Lol... *Sad clown* *womp womp*

If I didn't have a job, I would probably go crazy... I would probably lose track of reality. ...I don't understand how there's people that walk around in the world able to... They have independence... They have funds to do that. There's so much to keep up with, and I feel like it would be better if I had someone else to depend on, but how much dependence is healthy, how much is too much? 

Was it emotional dependence I was missing? Was it physical touch? Boy, I miss it so much ...being held. Coming home to a hug that melted my troubles away... Idk how people live so alone... But I'm barely keeping my head above water... I've formed very close bonds with the people I work with, and I'm pretty comfortable and useful to my company. They're good people. I can look at myself at the end of the day and be proud of the tapestry I helped design, even though I'm not privy to all its moving parts. 

...

Most people are small, to me. I can't highlight the whole text, otherwise nothing matters. I connect with those I think are brave and respectful... I can trust them with my unmasking, I can trust those around me for a trust fall of panic... Maybe that's askew. Maybe I'm supposed to value home life... But I don't feel like myself anymore at home. 

I miss Chip. I miss living with an animal... 

Am I the problem? Why does everyone leave? Am I too much for others who have expectations of me being smaller? They're not used to my large sized personality? 

I'll probably continue to attract all sorts of men... But I have to set standards. Intelligence. Being able to hold an intelligent conversation, and emotional intelligence. Able to name emotions and regulate yourself... Great. 

I feel like I keep living the way I want, instead of need... There's so much to do. I live in chaos. Where is all this stuff supposed to go? How do I just up and leave? How do I start over again? 

I'm so tired of moving. I've moved so often in childhood. I'm so incredibly tired. When and what will be the tipping point? 

Sometimes I think I'm too weak. Being institutionalized sounds like a vacation that I'll need more frequently. 

I didn't see working towards any of my dreams worth it... Life isn't worth living or propelling forward... This world, this country is crumbling... Where will I go? What crack do I fall into? I don't have a home. I don't have anywhere to safely go... Where I can be a queer poly person... Where I can be appreciated and loved the way I deserve. The way I can exist at "home" and feel safe, myself. My 10x10 fit my whole household and I've been cramped ever since. 

I alienate people easily... Meanwhile, I think I'm losing weight by not eating a lot... The true millennial diet. I'm not paid enough, they're not giving out raises anymore... I try to manage my money by no spending sprees unless it's holiday money. 

No vacations unless it's Con. 

Con next weekend. I'm excited!! That's more or less home. It'll be my Moon time too... Ginger will be going too ;) 

He's planning a surprise adventure date tomorrow!! I'm excited. 

I'm looking forward to seeing him and hugging him. 

I need a good hug today... 

Everyone else tends to forget that strong people need hugs, too. 

...

Snow.