🦋Wow🦋

I think I have a type. I haven't felt this much of a dopamine kick since Crickets. Talking to someone so openly... Am I ready to trust another?

Can I trust this kind of person, again? Have a person in a life worth living? I am meant to be here. Friends with people who see me and can meet me where I am, emotionally, is... Whooooo... A fucking relief. 

I haven't been able to open up to someone like that in a long time and smile like a stupid idiot and be myself talking about the stupidest of things. And it somehow means everything to be heard. To explain something out loud to another emotional being and understand each other on the most basic of levels; understanding that "nobody is born wrong." ("DW; Space Babies"). I can talk to {them} like I talk to myself... I've been flirted with my entire life by stupid men... I value intelligence over bronze or fast cars.... If you can't explain your bigger feelings beyond "I'm sad... Rar!!!" And keep barking down my throat... You're not a good partner to me. I need an emotional connection and I need physical touch. 

Bare minimum is wanting to be noticed by another, worthy of their presence? Being seen.... When you don't feel seen by another for so long and finally you can open up nonchalantly about the deepest of vulnerability and come out unscathed. Is that healing?

My father is a coward. My ex Crickets is also a coward, but presumably in a different way.... My ex is not the same kinda coward my father is. I think he thinks he's on "the good side" and he's not... He's a white Nationalist... NAZIS TOOK NOTES FROM JIM CROW, and there were things even Nazis wouldn't do... 

I might be on the losing team, but that doesn't mean I'm on the wrong side... 


I would die inside if I accidentally killed someone. I don't think I could live with myself if I caused someone else intentional harm. I feel better talking out odd things my parents have done, compare notes to someone I feel who is a better human than them... Someone who can answer my questions so I can compile a great list of questions to ask my dad about his audacity... 

And my family has decided to infantilize me instead of acknowledging there's a problem... The big bold line of separation in this family. Why are we not allowed to talk about it. Maybe I should tell them the story of the family portrait... The Family Portrait.... 




...
Polyamory has taught me so far about boundaries, trust, and acceptance. Accepting people as they present themselves... Accepting myself as I present myself. 

I sent my recent allegory to my mother through an email. That Woman doesn't need to know I maintain this here blog. 


Snow.

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