Deeper
I would say that most people notice my eyes and then my sense of fashion. I have my staple items like my jacket and my shoes... They have to look a certain way, always. Something that stays the same... Big fluffy socks over my crazy leggings... If denim pants, ankle socks, not shown. But my ankle socks have to have the little puffy piece, otherwise they slide off.
Style can be comfortable.
Sweater or sweatshirt over that. Shorts or polka dot skirt.
I have a floral black jumper and a very similar dress pattern, even softer material. I really do love playing in my clothes. I was a very lonely child and it was one of the only things I could control.
...
I like another Ginger. He talks a big game. We shall see... 😉
Red's been around. But Ginger is new. Magellan was a bit younger than me and was nervous all the time. If we had continued, I would've been his first serious gf. Lol. No pressure. Lololol. Good luck, buddy! But I'm not a good starter kit for a girlfriend... I want to be able to skip the line and get to all the big feels that I have questions about...
Ever since my diagnosis back in 2023, I have unmasked more, and have yet to revert back to being smaller. I feel like I'm always a little behind on where I'm supposed to be. I never feel grown up enough to qualify having other grown up friends. Because sometimes we can't grow where we're at ... One must learn to ebb and flow... Who stays in the same hometown their entire lives?
Aren't we supposed to get up and move and learn ...unlearn and adapt to new concepts and theories? Aren't we supposed to better ourselves?
I'd like to learn how to keep up with finances and money and make more of it.... But how do you ask those questions without sounding like an idiot? Or being shamed for not knowing? By certain ages I had to know things I didn't know. I had no idea how to cope with certain feelings and thus stifled them down, into holes and overstuffing my inner doom piles.
I have so much trauma around cleaning and religion... I'd want to dispell energy and clean, I'd want to start cleaning and freak out enough to manically clean. ...Crickets would reassure me that I didn't need to freak out... Crickets would calm me with a hug... And then tell me to go relax.
You know what he'd do? ...he went right back to gaming or whatever he was doing with friends before I came home. He never started cleaning in lieu of me cleaning. Why would he clean? I didn't directly ask him. I get it.... But like, how would Ginger read it, ya know?
He's already housebroken. Like... I get to skip the line bc he's ALSO emotionally mature, not just intelligent.
My ex always boasted how logical he claimed to have been....lololol. He let his emotions control his life, and not the other way around. That guy had the audacity to put my life in danger, not once, but twice.... Both times, he brought his arrogant chaotic attitude to the heated moment, not a good way to resolve anything. He was never calm. But I always treated him like he was calm bc I was trying to stay calm for him... Toxic cycle I'm glad to have moved on from.
I have so many questions about deeper emotions. I hit a wall with my family members bc they can only meet me where they are... They are in denial about a lot of their realities, but keeping up the façade is more important than actual introspection, shadow work, and healing... And that's ok. I don't quite understand how blindsighted everyone would be if I suddenly left. Not much different nowadays... I don't trust being myself around them... Idt they'd see me for me. Idk if they ever have. The in laws are homophobic...
But I've been more myself at work. I figure if I'm to work most of my life, that I work somewhere where I'm proud to be apart of, whatever I can contribute. I'm part of a team... And it's a new good feeling. A bit askew I guess, since other people tend to have supportive families.... But I don't feel like my family could navigate all the questions I have over even accepting that I'm queer.
...
85% of autistic adults are unemployed. This world was not built for us. Idk where I would be if it wasn't for my employer. I'm an old 30 something, living on my own...ish. It's really hard cooking for myself on a more regular basis. My favorite thing to cook is now twice as much $... Egg$....
Making a grocery list beyond 5x charcuterie board worth of meal is difficult. And meal prepping? Fahgetaboudit...
...
Gertrude would invade our sanity with odd anxieties that our dad never quenched or resolved well. She'd yell at us for a good 10min straight about our behavior or her emotional reaction... Our dad would cower and greet us on the sidelines to comfort us after her abuse. I will never understand how he never stood up to her or protected us from her. She was his wife, apparently that was more important than us, his children. We were discarded...
He'd always approach her with his tail between his legs in shame, do whatever the opposer demanded, and went along their merry fucking way... My body has so much nerve damage from all the trauma my body held onto from moments like those... It was important to learn a lesson that someone could weaponize their efforts in caregiving. So be wary of those you pay heed to... And yet, they wonder why they can never reach you. The mirror is too wide. They can never looke in the eyes and answer my questions about childhood. They just want me to forget and not remind them of the trauma they had a hand in causing, even if they were hands off... Neglect. That's still trauma.
...
I can read Love in a plethora of ways from those whom I don't know well... My manager has a brotherly love about him.... He sees one of the owners as a big brother and that's really sweet... I hope he sees me as an annoying little sister. Or maybe just an annoying coworker. If I have a question, he usually answers me pretty well.
Sometimes I feel like I've nestled into this career like a squatter has rights.... I didn't need more school, I can basically do what I love and keep on track... Whilst feeling useful, albeit slow. I am aware of my situation.. and I figure if I am going to work the rest of my life, I'd like to work somewhere where I can feel useful, and can respect myself at the end of the day... But I cannot keep sustaining myself off of what I make. I think I can make more but I have difficulty with daily routines that are healthy.
I can put together a banging outfit, though...
Snow.
Comments
Post a Comment