Cake

Idt many people get to see me unmask. Only the souls who grin and bare me sometimes. Mostly at work. I just figure I can be myself around others who are also themselves. Boundaries are good to set. 

Whenever I can be myself, I get very lucid and candid. If you are a partner, ty for loosening the rope. I sometimes need to lose my own mind from time to time. I am anxious everyday and I forget that not everyone thinks I'm the knees of bees. To think that I'm not, sounds like more energy I'm not willing to freely give, anymore. Seek me, next time. 

City life seems more my speed. The breaths giveth life. Listening in surround sound, swirling under the marbled midnight sky. Atlanta is my home. It took care of me before I was assaulted. Dale Avenue.... That area. Too abstract? 

Maybe I'm glorifying the past? 

Green leaves. Wafting in the breeze of confections and sugar and love.

Dog snoring next to me snoozing away at the seams of the sofa and pillow talk. TV watching mama and beau, positive vibes and soul around me. Their lovelies linger behind in-between. 

Atlanta has a symphony out on the streets of pot holes and racing stripes of the not busier days of the week ... But see, the city culture used to not be full of vultures, sucking the life out of it. Gripping and grasping at real estate. Green is the religious experience I never knew I needed through rhythms and tunes.

...

HS wants an intense emotional connection from me, but I cannot give it to him, the connection he wants from me is the vibe I want from a spouse. I want a dynamic, but I don't want to marry anyone but my best friend. ...he wants to be "two peas in a pod" ...he wants the attention, he wants me to pour into him without replenishing. Why'd I be expecting something different? Because he wants a stable spouse. I want a best friend. 

You want a deep emotional connection with a demisexual? Lol. 

I cannot give my mind and body to another man unless he could live with me without that pressure. Whatever I want is of coarse abrasively selfish. I cannot give him the babies he desires. The steadfast, outdated notions he has about a traditional wife is set in about 1992. What kind of woman would you want to put you back in your place, and then get revenge in a lusty exchange later to make up.... ? Or you want everything to end in a fight? 

I am most mad at Crickets for wasting my gd time, in the best of my 30s, when I didn't have so much back pain... I maybe could've had kids. I recall thinking I wouldn't mind having an oops baby with him, because I already had in mind we'd produce a child i wouldn't have minded sharing with him... He wasted my years with his whiney ass, angry all the gd time... 

Good lord he smelled bad. We could only kiss when we drank. If we both taste of caramel malts, then it was fine. I think it's funny that everything he loves turns sour in his mouth. He chased what he wanted, he got sick of it, eventually... Wear and ring it out.

...

T once FORGOT my birthday. That's why we initially broke up. But he was my first poly bf. Then I dated here and there, and kept in touch with Red and his partner ... So. That was a bit before I knew Crickets, buttttt... T is why I knew of GH. And I then told G and Dad and Brother ... It's a great local chain. Delicious. I get my favorite burger... 

He could probably still recall it. Crickets likes to think he can remember everything. 

He once forgot I was in a happy memory, of all of us winning at drunk bingo at Trackside... In Decatur? Yep. Your gal pals and first love, LesbianZero..., for you, anyway.... Lol. Crickets creates lesbians... Lololol. 

I guess that's harsh. 

His declarations of love were always about him, like when Golden Hour played while we got wings in Emory..... 

He was in love with me... But I was never loved by him in ways in which were catered to me. Never bothered unlocking me, and digging inside, like the Incubus song implied. After awhile, we both pulled away. Something must've broken. Did he shatter? He's an unironic porcelain man, delicate but strong. His skin pulled taught over a mountain of "issues" he thinks I can't handle, even after admitting that I have more emotional intelligence. I have climbed many mountains. He never thought to ask for help or felt comfortable to be himself around me. I just thought he was being himself... And took what he presented to me, as himself. 

I had said I wanted to marry my best friend. 

We used to half plan our wedding and the funny gotchyas... I thought he'd have put together the concept of my best friend was him, but I was obviously wrong. I felt so stupid and ashamed I didn't see him for the absolute schmuck. He never made me feel special in a crowd. 

I wish I could feel that way towards another again, and have their heart in my hand, too. As they have mine... Can I give it so freely again, without the return of respect? 

...

I cannot be peas in a pod for a partner who cannot be more invested in me. I like promises. I like consistency. I like a normal place to hang out and lounge upon. I like to know if I need him, he's there. Maybe I should start fantasizing of a future spouse being a they... Be ready to see them as is, just in case.

I like to know if I i need them, they're right there.

I want to love so grand again, but I want to be steady? How do I stay stable in this day and age?

I'm a good elder millennial village witch, demon tamer. No man can harness me, apparently... That's my curse, because I like coming to revelations and epiphanies and chasing a partner who'd give me an O whenever I wanted. 

I want to be shattered open. I want to be destroyed, and filleted to the bare bones. I want my flesh to be incinerated by a Wolf in flames climbing an evil ladder up my spine.

I want to build trust with someone who wants to build the same trust with me. See what we're made of. 

I tend to love really well, and deeply. I go fast and hard, in the beginning. But nothing ever stays new ... And nothing lasts. Sometimes I hate being a demisexual. 

Wouldn't mind going for a ride. I might even give him a title someday. Not sure if he's interested. But I feel inclusion, and that seems to be enough. He's a Dynamic, I figure if he wanted more, he'd ask. 

Initiative is smexy confidence. Not many yield it well... They're just happy they feel included. And that's not enough for me. Is that a Pick Me vibe? I need enthusiasm and charm. I want to know I can sit on your face and you're not going to tap out after a minute. I need a man who snorkels. 

Too bad Snorkel's drowning right now. He'd be a nice fix, but that wouldn't be a fair request.