Hunted
To be consensual prey is always fun
To be on the page in the slot of who is to come
To be crossed off someone's list as Done.
To get to the state of mind of a release...
To figure out what works and what doesn't the least
To stick up for oneself to make up the words to say
To form a shield from the hurts of old days
If I can speak up for myself as myself, maybe I'll finally be heard?
I wish I had an option to choose a person from my past
Start things over, maybe it'll last
A stranger I've wondered about, a person I've strictly fantasized a pure projection of what I had wanted in that moment,
A selfish connection
He can be the only one to never know
The feelings I had about him,
Are the exact same as I've had before of the deeper individuals I clocked from the start
It's easier to recognize and lock eyes with others from the same stardust
Those who are cut from the same cloth of trauma
To know instantly of a good egg and soul
We are intellectually closer in thinking the same thoughts
Intimate and the desire fulfilled beyond noughts
Rhetorical suffrage and over stimulus
I don't remember this being that difficult, bitch
I had met a young man at a comic store, in the city of lights I was visiting with Crickets, looking at the nerdy nostalgic action figures I liked to rewatch in my mind when life is boring.
The shows I watched religiously
when I'm more alone in a crowd, in childhood
Drowning out their dribble with better written scripts of scenarios I'll never enact outside of the fourth realm
The same young man was a clerk guy in a thrift shop nearby,
And I wondered if it was just a store for travelers to sell their wares
Whom had stopped me from pursuing more, was the understanding I was strictly for another's attention.
No discovery or exploration.
The assumption wasn't mutual, except for the guise of respect.
With Crickets, it was initial, but not constant...
It became an expectation but never something worth a reflect.
Always sought, never provided.
But I got nothing like that from the store clerk... Mostly because it was projection. I felt his attraction to me. It was nice to expand another's pupils, for once.
I got more exhausted faster
I had to carry the negative ninny and turn
His carbon into cutting diamonds
He expected perfection,
Never providing the same gratitude
No one activity filled me with joy, anymore
We were never grateful for the other
He could never be happy by himself.
And he was certainly never happy with me.
Which is especially funny
He was so prepared to bring up what he tangibly paid for,
but the professional therapist agreed with me;
he gatekept romance and sex,
Dangling them as carrots for me to perform his checklists
I grew my own red flags and fanned them, sure. But I never understood why he'd never wanted me as is?
I had imagined he'd magically wake up one day and want to hang out with me the way I wanted to be seen.
Would inform me of going out and doing what I wanted... I never spoke up
Mostly because he'd get angry so quickly and so loud... I wasn't allowed to be upset at him, or the situation. I could never assume his time and he never wanted me to approach him softly like texting. I'd attack him, but talking to his face was scary; I never knew how to approach him bc he was ALWAYS angry. It was exhausting.
He had sobbed on my shoulder once he knew he had failed me
He was way too late, he lost me
I had held him, but didn't really care
I was apathetic and confident
It was finally over
We had gotten back together briefly, mostly for the holidays...
Work on an art project together and watch a stupid movie in the background.
That was never enough for him
Was I enough?
We always did what he wanted.
He got the dining table in his office to work on projects. He used my old TV as his second monitor, that was on the dining table.... He got a mini fridge. So ... He got everything he wanted.
I'd be direct and say what I wanted, in the morning... But it was never done
He'd escape to the bathroom for hours instead of discussing what his issues were with me. He had the audacity to assume what I can and can't handle. He knew I was smarter than him in emotions... So. Not sure why he never felt safe around me...
He waited a whole day to tell me he went on a date with another woman.
He said he didn't know he was on one.
He freely smoked with another without the constant hesitation he had with me.
He never really wanted me, as I never really wanted him.
Brush your goddamn teeth.
If you use the phrase, "just tell me when my breath stinks" ...lol
All. The. Time. And no, I'd never say that to someone. My boundary is a clean mouth. It's up to you to make sure...
I have always been disgusted and embarrassed by his mouth
The stench of forty thousand years!
I am mad at myself that I chose him over my last dying grandparent
He was never of a higher caliber
He was never going to choose me.
He was never going to put aside his ego
For me
Just like dad lol
I don't have issues at all. /s
...
I was never enough.
I was never seen or hunted with desire.
I thought he'd seek me out when he wanted... But according to him, I was supposed to let him know when he stank and when I wanted to be around him... But why would I want to be around him. He was too loud, too angry, and stank. He never wanted to do anything I wanted to do for the sake of me...
He wanted to utilize what I had, but he never wanted me as is, in his life.
Time is currency for my spoons now
Exchange rate is pretty good
If and only when I also want a pursuit
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