73 yards

December 28, 2023, Crickets and I finally called it quits. After March 2024, I never really saw him again. I had lost a lover but I also thought I had lost a best friend... I had kept waiting for a ring and he kept waiting for me to tell him when I wanted to hang out... lol. We weren't on the same page. 

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All the things never said aloud because he was "afraid of the emotions you would have if you only knew. I don't ever want to jump down your throat. It would kill me to hurt you." 

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Eastside song reminds me of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. The way they speak about their partners... Pure love. Innocent. 

I wonder who administers the shackles we suffer in life? Do you think we had the key the entire time, within? 

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I like me better by Lauv. It always plays after Eastside. It's a great transition. 

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I forgot to feed the dog. Brb. 

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I think Crickets really liked the way I looked at him. When I believed in him... When I thought I knew him and saw me as I saw him. Took me so fucking long to see he never wanted me. He kept seeing what he wanted me to be rather than what I wanted to be... I was so emeshed with his aesthetic... I was twinning. ... There will always be an imprint of Crickets upon me... He was a bartender and waiter... I will probably say Heard, the rest of my life. Lol. We say it at work, too. 

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My brother got me a Space Hat for Christmas. It's to replace the pink one at work. I need to clean it. Flatbill snapback. Crickets wears those. The concept isn't lost on me. There will always be a part of me, in my past, when I truly loved that guy, unconditionally... I mean, he gave me a leather jacket that's more or less armor. I can wear it anywhere. Except around family... It's annoying. 

My sister has shrunken herself for her family. I hope she finds herself again. 

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I wanted to be someone's one and only for a time... I want to be seen, in more ways than one. I am going to hang out with friends that I'm very interested in... They are going to see parts of me that many don't get to see... But I am very interested and curious on the process. 

It's my first... No pressure, Wolf. Lol. 

I'm actually kinda proud of myself. Hasn't even happened yet. 

Saturday night will be interesting. 

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And it was! It was so much fun. I really love this community I'm inching into. Everyone is super nice and accommodating. No psalms or books to read and misinterpret... Straight forward, BLUNT. Trust is worshiped, and I love it. 

There were a few kinda creeps, but they just lurked. No touches. 

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I think my family has infantilized me. I am viewed as a child. Childish. I am tired. Since childhood, one of my special interests is The Muppets. Idk why that has infantilized me since it's always been a thing. 

I don't think I'd be a fit mother with the amount of quiet and calm that I prefer... I haven't a clue how to have a good relationship beyond a good friend for a time. I felt so incredibly wrong, during Crickets. I felt like I was never enough. Starting over with someone terrifies me. 

To feel so used and discarded. Everyone who has advice for me has never gone through my head. Has never taken the time to ask the right questions... Asking too many makes one look like an idiot and I just don't understand... My feet didn't leave me... They have never been so alone as I am, they have had steady partners for the last several years, and most aren't autistic like me. Is it by choice or self regulation or self sustaintion? Sustation? The state of Sus. 

Yes, this is how I constantly think. This is how I talk to myself. Sometimes, I have to sing to myself immediate instructions to stay on task and not deviate. The constant acute reminders I have to play on the background of the task I'm doing is like vitally important... Especially when I'm cooking or doing anything dangerous. 

I really like pasta. It's very easy. What I like to do is sauteé chopped onions and garlic. It's the BEST house fragrance!! 

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Anyway, being in love with your stupid friend from childhood, from wence you grew up. You can see all the knooks and crannies of y'all's lives intertwining... There's someone else to account your life and accomplishments... And to celebrate you. To ask advice of ... 

I don't have that and have never really had that. 

I'm no one's deep friend. I am unable to maintain a current friendship, let alone a childhood friend ... They all kinda move on, ya know? I've never been IN a friend group... I guess it shows. 

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When I lose my mind, I want others to see me scream. My shine begets me. I want to be center stage and coveted. Wanted. What does that actually feel like? To be truly desired? I've never been made to feel seen by loved ones. 

They see me as a child. It's super annoying. I'd like to not feel like such a kid, actually. But I want to learn how to be on my own... I don't feel like myself until I'm alone or with my friends. I need to find balance, and I'm unsure if it exists. 

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The movies that make me happy is like a formula. I'm always in the mood for The Mummy, Timeline, Knights Tale, Edge of Tomorrow, Hook, Fifth Element, Last Mimzy, Real Genius, Muppets Christmas Carol & Treasure Island (double feature not a must, but appreciated), ...and no, not all in one night. Jesus. But my list goes on and on... I really love watching my favorite movies with loved ones. That was never enough for Crickets. 

Let's see... I have a lot of go to movies... But then put them on in the background and you'll prob get lucky. I'm unsure why Crickets could never see me so clearly... They had this friend, and whenever we hung out with this couple, they'd discuss all the movies they've recently seen...I'd get so happy for them but sad for us. Happy for them and bonding... But sad that we never watched movies ... And whenever we did, he had to make this big deal about "saving up the energy" and concentration to watch the movie with me... All week. Lol. 

Crickets never set aside time for us to eat dinner and watch TV with me... And I never felt like I could request anything from him unless it was a fight... It got tiring real fast. 

During a normal day, I had been waiting all night to see him before I wanted to go to bed... So I'd stay up. And up and up. And up some more... And I tried cooking dinner a few times but it was never good enough and wasn't met with as much enthusiasm... And he'd blame me for the dishes. And blame me for the state of all the mess, all the time... And he'd blame me for not wanting to try again. I'd tell him the format of how the recipes should be typed out but he'd get annoyed and just do the notepad. That text is squished together... But it was my fault. 

But then say he likes to clean only when I'm not home. I was away a lot, working. He was alone a lot because he worked most nights... Boohoo, "there's no time?" ...make time. 

Duh.

But I was never a priority. And this, I reflected that. He never wanted to really hang out with me, the way others hang out with me... Idk... I still don't know what it feels like to be someone else's priority. In fleeting moments like friends, sure. But how does being made the center of the reason for being, feel? Unsure how much I hate being not myself in front of family. How baren I feel around them ... How not enough do I reflect? What am I not picking up on, let alone feel? 

In the moments of minute details I'll always live with...over and over and over...... The visceral details I can supply someone of the scene of vivid reliving the trauma in order to process the feeling I had in the moments I had them... 

The vulnerability I'd like to shatter to the bones of... Of the ash, I want to mould new framework in stainless steel. Molten lava, tempered glass. 

Stained glass is so much of my childhood. 

I want a self portrait in stained glass. I want more tattoos to decorate my body... I have so many ideas... I wish I could make them and see if someone wanted to collaborate.

But I don't know any active artists willing... And I certainly don't have the money to pay them ;)

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Sometimes I forget where I'm writing. Am I writing to a friend? Romantic? Blog?

Blog.

...ya ever see that one John Belucci skit on vintage SNL and he names himself a blog because he's just making sounds with his mouth?... Made up blog. Circa ~1975...

...what does blog come from? The way we know now... 

*Flies to Google* 

Origin... Website Log... Weblog. Blog. 

Wow. What a journey. 

Got a tad sidetracked but I'm back. 

But now I'm giving myself a manicure... Telling off my sister in my head to get used to the words leaving my brain. 

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I think people I know are at work. I can unmask and be myself at work, not my entire self, I know. At least, I feel more accepted than at home. Out in the world, I like to be around those who want me there. Annnnd as myself. I think my family wants me to settle down and get married and have kids for the cycle to continue... And I'm really tired of the hamster wheel of generational trauma. 

I feel like The Othered... The alien in the family... Everyone else submitted and committed themselves to a narrative of a formula that just works as to looking good to others... Like puppets in public acting normal and well-behaved. How are they in confrontation? Does my father just roll over and does whatever G says to do? Does a bell ring and he salivates at a yelling woman? 

I feel like there's too many restrictions and expectations over at Family's house... Sister's or her in-laws. 

Sister is in a constant pattern of triggered and trauma responses. She is in the Hamster wheel. I think she wants me under her guise bc "she knows best" ...she is not well. I don't want her marriage. She married a dweeb and he's completely unaware of himself. He reminds me of Dad, sometimes and I can't tell her that, ofc. Either she's already accepted that fact or she won't be able to unsee. 

Dad acts like we both had Norman Rockwell painting childhoods... Sir, this is a Wendy's... And you're a Florida man... You can't escape that meme/trope of human...

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I've BEEN over wanting Crickets in my life, again. I miss the good moments and good aspects.... But that's too be expected. I am glad we never had kids and I'm glad I don't have to deal with his constant negativity and lack of apologies... And anger. 

He had soooooo much anger. Maybe he thought my calmness was to counter his aggression? Unsure ... It will remain a mystery. 

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Snow.