Well, here we all are....

So I told Brother that this blog exists. I spent most of the night trying to stay up and finish editing this shit so it doesn't get out that I am a bit crazy? Dad would say I'm too sensitive... but that's ableist and silly. I am not too sensitive once you take all the trauma into context. But I am following my own ambitions of talking more on podcasts about my past trauma.... On the off-hand that it helps someone in need. Btw, I'm gay. Well, queer. Queer autistic ADHD. Vaccinations did not cause autism... 

Fuck it. Best you find out this way than not. 

I am probably never having children of my own again. I don't trust my body to not kill me. I'm like healthy. But not like, I can take care of myself without freaking out. I am so incredibly tired at the end of my day. I have been trying to make sense of my brain for the last thirty years... I am VERY angry at dad. That emotionally neglectful man could never say sorry for us enough for marrying a completely incompetent human to raise us. If dad really thought that our mom couldn't emotionally regulate herself enough to be able to raise us ... If he had the knowledge that mom was bad.... WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE NOT FIGHT FOR US, FULL TIME? Why didn't he want us full time away from someone he thought was so toxic? He had told me to my face that mom wasn't a reliable adult he wanted in YOUR life. Why were we supposed to endure her, then? Were we punished for having half her DNA?

I have maybe resented you ONCE as a child. This ain't it. But boy.... The audacity of that man.

....... 

How were you... YOU different? It was different that you were a dude? No, that can't be it. It was bc G. G must've wanted it that way? No, she yelled a lot but was neutral ground, essentially. 

Here's the thing. Idt dad ever knew that Mom was confiding in US... her children, after they'd speak about adult parent stuff. Get me to explain the types of Parentfication sometimes... It's hilarious that I have BOTH. /s

I am incredibly blunt in explaining things. I am cold most of my life, I just channel the pain into different crevices of my brain. Masking? Unmasking is feeling like I can be completely myself around you and unwind. If I can do that. ....I can trust you. I can be emotional and not judged harshly ...

I have strict rules of behavior around certain people. Different rules apply. Apparently, according to my brother, that's just being human... But I think what is autistic is being able to be totally blunt with what I want and/or feeling. Matter of factly and in the moment. To be so blunt with vulnerability with a monotone or non chalant attitude, most would deem unsettling?

I freely gave my attention to those who wanted it... But I am quite tired of chasing after those who would take me for granted... 

I wonder, Brother. At what point did you learn of my kid vs who MH was in the family? Before or after that trip? Of meeting MH? 

That was like if my kid was grown and I invited her to a family reunion and didn't tell anyone. I remember being brave enough to ask Dad why he never bothered telling me about MH, and he told me in a whyareyoubotheringmewiththis? look on his face, "it wasn't your business." .... What? 

Excuse me... Father. My oatmeal is cold.... What wasn't my business? You mean this whole other child that we didn't know about? Dad never told Sister who MH was until that trip. And he certainly didn't tell me. Uncle D finally took me around the block of Aunt D's neighborhood and told me... I HAD LIVED IT, first off, and second, my mom already told me there was a child, to alleviate the shame she saw I had taken up during my pregnancy ... I just didn't know I was going to meet him right after I HAD LIVED IT... The whole family told their kids about him and how they were going to meet him........ We, Dad's first mistakes, didn't get that same respect or time to settle with it.

Tell him to tell you how I almost died and all he sent were flowers. Never bothered to show up right afterwards. Was so ashamed of me. Shamed that I got myself graped and decided the best thing was to shelter you from me, forever. See, that guy we call dad decided to isolate me... Like ... Why would that have made sense? He thought if I was divided that it wouldn't touch you. Taint your life. Have the Mistakes taken all the blows of neglect, not feeling good enough or just enough to be around. I am much too sensitive to most bc I have had to be so serious for so long. 

Most are very surprised that I am autistic. They have an odd representation of what it means to be autistic bc the notion of being autistic is still so incredibly negative... but I've never felt more myself... I've coded autistic my entire life. I am anxious about every little detail all the time. The steps to a better life each seem like a mountain itself .... 

...

I wish I had my own friends but people my own age can be untrustworthy, and judgemental. I feel like I always say something wrong. That I scare people away. 

This autistic don't do loneliness well... But I'm also technically too poor to do anything. I eat maybe once a day. 

I wish I could call upon Sister, but she's so incredibly in denial about her own issues, I cannot and will not ask for their help. It's not my job to regulate her, like it wasn't my job for Crickets ... You should really read my backlog blog, Brother. 

Lol you get me to tell you about 2019... I wanted to unalive myself. When I finally called Dad and told him where my head was at, he was on one of secret Atlanta trips... Where he was coincidentally in town! Took me out to Korean BBQ, make sure I give her minimal attention. Going to therapy isn't a shameful thing of needing.... I think he forgot that I have been going to a therapist on and off since I was 12... he thinks it's shameful. I don't. Long term, no... But I think I'm slowly losing control. I've isolated myself so much, I'm to the point of exhaustion. I have zero ducks in a row if I lose my job, and benefits, and I have like surprise cancer... I don't have a system in place in case I can't take care of myself anymore. I forget things a lot. I try to remember to do things but it all piles up and I am just trying to get thru the day to my bed... Rest, book read. I am so bogged down with stuff. I have no idea what to do in March when my lease is up... 

Anyway... Our dad is a piece of work. We gotta piece back out past so we can maybe save Sister's sanity. Just, one more mad crazy attempt. 

I gotta tell you some stories. I'm sure you have questions. 

Please ask me. Please learn to ask the right questions. Bluntly. 

......

Therapy is pulling out the inner demons and learning to have tea with them, we are not supposed to be in a constant battle. 

Snow.