Moments.

Sept 13th

We are all made up of moments. I am glad I spend it with the other people I share faith in ;) moments to look back on. The conversation is the soundtrack, the activity was the melody. Just sitting in a friend's car, smoking. Being bad.  

...

I always kinda liked the novelty pillows. The ridiculous throw pillows? The make-the-bed moments that never were bc Crickets just convinced himself I hated it, too. It's bc I got tired of asking for help or attempting to not care that he left it that way. 

For me to see later? To see he had failed to keep my space neat and tidy? He never respected any of my things bc he never respected me... And bc there was no respect, I couldn't keep up with the effort of accountability. Vice versa, I'd like to say, but I feel like I not only respected, but mended his items ... He had a faulty Sonic plush toy that was very old and leaking stuffing. I mended them. He had said thank you. But never returned the favor... They were just things. 

About 4 months into him living with me, he had scratched one of my pans, to the point of damaging it completely. I had to throw it away. That pan was part of a set... They were cobalt blue. Rickety, not high quality... But mine. It was part of a set of pans I had bought that represented "getting out on my own and finally making it with big hard earned money" ... 

He never said sorry, and retorted, "well I was raised with cast iron skillets and we could use forks." 

Congrats on something I already knew. But he never respected my things. He kept failing my heart bc he'd invalidate and manipulate me. 

Never said sorry and never offered to pay for a new pan. Nothing. I bought a new pan and put the label on everything, "no forks" .... He got super mad and ripped it off his favorite pan, the big one my mom got us. He got to keep it after the breakup. Jerk had to eat, right? 

...

He had also somehow poked two holes in my favorite, smoothest, silkiest muted teal/aqua seafoam green high threadcount bedsheets. I think it was from his pants. And they were both equally worn. I changed the sheets every 3 weeks or so... So within about a month, he wore two holes on his side of the bed. Told me nothing. Said "they've always been there," when I had asked about them ... 

He definitely noticed they were there.... He's not an idiot.... He has a high IQ just like me ... 

....

But I know he's an idiot. He kept choosing himself. Over and over. I really meant nothing to him. That's the only logic I can come to. 

He made promises with his words but never followed through with actions... Follow through. Actions have always felt stronger than words. 

...

Don't see the change? Be the change. 

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16th....

People who reply back ... Eventually... Are the people I like to be friends with. So, I will always try to reply back when I can... However, I get a little obsessed with reposting and I wish someone sometimes would stop me. 

I wish I had many safe people and their homes to visit for a little bit. I wish I could be more nomatic... I wish I could travel more but not be such an invalid. Or loner. I wish I could speak to many different kinds of people, not just who I know. Finding a friend is super hard.

...

Crickets.

Who reached out to who to exchange posters and your balls... Lol? It was me. I got receipts. If I had just found your Evil Dead movie poster you had gotten at Dragoncon 2021, since that was all about you... I would've kept it. 

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I have a good therapist. I have good coworkers. A good job with benefits. I have some friends irl and in chat. I have some family I can talk to... But they're often the people I'm still recovering from so... I'm not sure how to talk to them... As me. Authentically me. 

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I find myself at home a lot doing nothing. Or in my own head/writing. Not sure how or what I should be doing instead. Chores usually cost me a lot of spoons...  I wish there was an easier way of getting groceries and going out with others that wasn't so focused around alcohol or partying. 

Nothing is really magical anymore. 

...

Maybe I'm just boring. 

Snow.