Keep Up

I am really good at flirting. I'm a pretty nerd and men are easy to read, especially if they think they're cool; Easy. Being taken care of is the dream... But why doesn't it feel good? 

I'm really good at having playful interactions. But I'm pretty bad at other relationships... The intimacy of finances and careers... I am so worried about what others are doing or saying or thinking... Things I can't control. What will others think....

I used to make friends through people I already knew, vetted friends of friends. Usually, it was my S.O. and their friends... Bc I had no friends tangibly... In my phone, sure. On social media, sure. But I feel like I can't connect otherwise. Coworkers are easy, but not always good at conveying I did something wrong or rude. Some are better than others and don't take it personally.

Why bother? No one wants to know me like that. I'm just a pretty face and butt to look at. No one actually reads these... Lol. 

...

I was more myself during Dragoncon bc it felt like, what I wished school had been like... Not necessarily everyone in costume... But everyone was silly... But safe. Learned things from smarter people... Definitely took a lot out of me. 

I found it interesting how many certain kinds of people were in similar positions throughout con... Like security personnel were also security for other cons, volunteering. It was just a pattern of faces.

It was also interesting to observe the types of nerds at con and how old they were when they stopped growing... Changing... I was always moving and changing... I am broken. 

Graphic T-shirt, cargo shorts, tennis shoes. Bookbag. All ages... 

Cosplay, fanny pack, bookbag.

Nerdy tshirts. Jeans. 

Prettier people in more intricate costumes... In character. They usually had a friend as a handler... Touch ups and human pocket for items and treasure. 

I gave out temporary tattoos...  Just put them all over con... You're supposed to. It's Con Swag...

........

Processing shadow work and discovering the child abuse I endured is the reason I suck at relationships now....  

I was sexually abused as a kid, by a friend...  and I started watching pr0n at about 8 years old. I was still processing the divorce and we were in the 2weeks 2weeks schedule (joint custody... Don't ever do this to your kids! Divorced? I'm terribly sorry... But please don't have your kids endure this schedule)... Then Dad was remarrying and all of a sudden I had to move over for baby brother to thrive. 

All in the span of 4 years. 6 to 10... Rough years. I'm positive that my parents cared and looked out for me, best they could... But there were no words or concepts I could explain what happened or explain my feelings... In a way that they'd listen instead of yelling all the time for what I wasn't doing correctly. For adults, life moves pretty slow. Kids haven't really a concept of time... How are we supposed to know to enjoy childhood when it's happening... I don't want to relive my childhood. 

I want to move out on my own and be able to thrive, myself. But I haven't a clue how to get there. There isn't anyone like me... There's no formula and no dance steps to memorize...

I'm pretty, and know it. I thrive on human interaction if it's not boring or sad or ...well, does that make me a bad person? 

I do like to observe and listen... Take in all the information. 

I really miss school. It was a good routine. 

It was the only routine that made any sense... And then we all graduated and everyone dispersed. And then everyone was having their college adventures posts all over fb, since it was new. I mean, where do you think all the original memes came from? Lol... I guess I had fun college year ... but it was one year in Kentucky bc it was 400 miles away and I was escaping life in STL. I kept trying to be someone I'm not... For some other purpose... 

But I'm unsure how else to get what I want... Maybe it's not wanting, but needing... But how often do we know what we need vs what we want to need? How can someone tell?

I don't really know why, but I'm a different person without Crickets. Rightly so, I'm a jerk. He's an asshole, too... But we weren't ever going to work out. He never saw me for me. And I thought I saw him, but maybe idk who he was at all... "I'm not the man you think I am" ... And he was right. I wanted to feel loved so I kept myself available. How sad is that? Idk how to have a life... Idk how to contribute to society without hurting someone or representing a good cause; or is there more?

I'm assuming Crickets had thought I was just materialistic... But the objects I have been given tell me stories... Who gave me it, why? What is it, where's it from? Everything has a story. Unsure why I can't get back to who I was when I was with him... But to be so dependent on another person scares the shit outta me. Obviously, it's a trap. As much as I like stories and things, I am not someone to be collected and wait on a shelf...

Which is how I've formatted my life, right? I am to wait for someone else to find me and save me? To be chosen? 

My brain gets so tired and heavy. 

I don't think I'm doing life, correctly.

...

Snow.