How to Friendship?

Maybe there's no real way to make friends... I get being your authentic self but I can't be myself around just anybody. I have been hurt too many times.

As an autistic woman, I cannot be my complete self without unmasking all the way, and know that people can either accept me or be put off, that's not my problem... If weed is supposed to mellow you out ... It is the only substance that gets me to myself... That I know the person I am with won't judge me harshly, if I say something bad or if I say no, or I retell the story 500 times... Or that they'll have to remind me sometimes of things they've said before. That they forgive me from the start... That they know I mean well... They are safe bc they have patience.

That they love me, even my constant mistakes. My forgetful brain can't remember everything all the time... That would be insane, right? How can you remember everything all the time and switch between tasks so gracefully? I used to be able to... But now that I'm relaxing more... I'm realizing I don't have it all together. I have very few coping skills that everyone else has in spades.

When I'm not at work, do I think about the constant struggles? Sometimes, but I am forgetting how to conduct myself bc I am not around those who are mature enough to let me know when I'm messing up... Or the power dynamic is off. My coworkers are much younger than me and maybe they think I'm just cool? Or am I the special ed case again? 

I wish more people were incredibly blunt, but understand that we've built that trust... that we don't shut off from one another bc it was easier to not deal with feelings. Crickets couldn't hurt me? You hurt me everyday you couldn't show up for me how I always wanted someone to. ....bare minimum? I wanted someone who was excited to see me at the end of the day.... I wanted someone to pick my brain and know what I'm thinking, have a fucking conversation and not just HERE'S WHAT SUCKS ABOUT MY DAY hour.... I wanted to be with someone who got me in shorthand; positive. I always tried to search for the lesson in how to better myself, but all I could see was what I wasn't in your eyes... I was barely on your mind ... When I was, did you let me know, or did you sob in silence instead, like I did? I didn't want to go to bed alone, all the time. Why would I need to complain more than once about that? 

In the car, the funk sun light song that Sunday evening...  HE was confessing HIS love for me but I was busy being mad at him for something... I don't remember what.... I remember not feeling as lovey dovey as he did in that moment.... He never saw my love as love, why did he think I could see his?

I want someone who could look me in the eye across the room and have a whole life together, planned out like it was written by God. I thought Crickets was it, he was the ultimate partner. I really loved his friends. They were a delight. I met his "big brother" and I saw the admiration he had for them. I could feel it... It was different than his friend group, dynamic. He thought that if I reminded him of his friends, that he could befriend me easier ... That I'd stay the same frozen in a good time frame to marry me... To get me an oops-kid loved by all. Making it work somehow? Did you ever wonder about that life, Crickets? If we had had a kid, aren't you so glad we never did? 

What might've been if I had blessed your mom with her first son's first? The joy. The admiration. The pride. The terror? The innate fear of fucking up motherhood. It's not something I take lightly anymore. ...I will protect my sanity at all cost bc I don't want a kid to grow up feeling unwanted and unloved.... They'll never forget... Bc I never have. 

That's why I've forgiven my mother a long time ago... I cannot imagine being this stressed out all the time with two other humans that depend on me... I can barely depend on me, now. 

I never felt loved by Crickets, the way I needed to feel it. I needed him to be proud of me for being me. For accomplishing things I was focused on doing... I needed him to be a cheerleader like I was for him... But also he could never play around with me... He would shoot down all my day dreams and imaginings. He assumed my strength, instead of knowing it. He tried to control me like a daughter? He saw me as someone to take care of... but I want to take care of myself. I never felt like he trusted me, that was his first mistake. He never knew how strong I was... Am*. I am stronger. 

He always wanted me to be serious...Moi?! Life is way too serious... I want to let loose and learn about things I don't know. I want to stay curious... I want to know my loved ones and accept them for them.

No one knows what to do with an unmarried woman with a working uterus in society.... . I sometimes feel like the only way to get anywhere is to just pop out a kid to raise for the struggle bus points. But that isn't a reason to have a baby! I chose the third option... That no one likes to explain from either side... I chose correctly for myself on my timeline. I could never have been the mother I always wanted to have been, in that moment.... 

I chose the path that not many have the guts or bravery to come forward and discuss. Not that everyone would want to hear. I cannot regret the decision I made for my kid ... Not many know.... But I would've done it all the same, again. I will never regret having them. Ever. I wanted them to be loved in a family ready for them... Wanting them. Providing them a life I could not give them... ....movie, Arrival. 

I don't regret my past, not my kid, not Crickets, not family, not anyone I have had the pleasure in loving in some capacity... I cannot regret them. They are forever a connection to who I was, and a tether to reality I have lived.

It's like my tattoo... I fucking hate my forearm ink even though it's of one of my most favorite things in the universe. It was such a big learning experience. I learned a lot about what to ask of a professional tattoo artist and what to expect in behavior and logistics and prices... 

I learned a lot about what I expected out of my partner... I expected him to read me like I read him everyday. But he didn't know about my indecision paralysis... Bc there wasn't a term yet known to me... 

In general, I could see and feel something bothering him, but he'd always keep it to himself. There were so many "if you only knew!" thoughts like I could hear them? Ommiting truths doesn't do anyone any good. Not speaking up for who? Me? ....no, yourself. Lol I thought I was explaining myself well, and directly. At some point, you decided I could do better than you? You really thought you were that big of a shit? That is waste my time with someone I didn't value and love unconditionally? You think I'd willingly be with a schmuck? The audacity.

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So I found a lot of good people at work that I'd love to hang out with outside of it, but... they are so much younger, and going through separate growing pains, I am too old for... 

How do you ask for help from those who have enough woes? How do you encapsulate enough realization that it is time to do a routine? What happens before that? What is a good behavior and a bad behavior? I didn't learn a lot from Crickets on how to be a good cleaner. He kept waiting for me to initiate the importance of cleaning. But when I tried, he never really helped keep it clean, in turn showing me he respected me to keep it clean... Just do them for the sake of keeping it clean, and then, that was too much clean... But I was always so exhausted from the day. There was no energy for it after awhile... 

There was no push. There was no accountability. There was a vacation-day-dream brain, mindscape happening... Like I was somewhere else, living a different life. He was never atuned to me like I was of him. I was a reflection of the anxiety he had within. His constant worries assuming what he thought were my strengths were his chaos. I was never allowed to be myself and I lost me, instead. If you can't handle me, don't. If you feel an emotion, and I am part of that emotion, share with me. Let me apologize for being a dick. And mean it. And be more aware of what I say next. I will try to remember. I'm not 50first dates forgetful, but I had depended way too much on him for "my better half"... He wasn't ready to be depended on emotionally bc he couldn't meet me at my level .... maybe he felt like he had no one to depend on, otherwise? I was there with cuddles and love and funny times. But what did I have to offer him? What did I have to offer to anyone? What discipline did I have? Who could stand my attitude?

I wasn't a good roommate... I wasn't a good partner. Not sure if I'm a good daughter... I just felt like I was never enough for Crickets... Like he expected even more from me, without giving in and doing something I liked doing... I kept doing everything he wanted to do... But I'd ask for attention and he kept saying not now and slink to his desk instead of spending time with me. Watching something. He could've still watched something and eaten and I couldve been happy... Happier. I thought the fucking sun shone out of his crusty ass ... If you were clean, I would be clean...

I've always had someone to count on up until this point. Are we all supposed to be thrown into the unknown, alone? How was I supposed to be prepared? Are we not supposed to strive for connection? How are we to know if we are doing good or not? Am I successful in keeping myself alive enough everyday? Great. What about in a month? Five? ... When do I freak out for what? How do I find a more stable place to live?

Idk what I'd do if I didn't have the people in my life like I do for financial help. I pay my own rent. But I can't begin to have enough for utilities annnnd be able to feed myself on a regularish schedule. And get enough sleep... And plan for Ubers... 

I wish life was more boring. I wish it was more predictable and more simple. That I wasn't having to be aware of everything all the time. That I could safely relax, but also be part of the team... I don't want to mooch. I don't want to be useless. 

I wish I could lose my mind from time to time and shake up the surrounding thoughts. But how are you supposed to have a platform and be respectful?

Like anyone else would want my perspectives... Staind glass feelings. Fractured in the times that should've been. The men who have chances are slim... How do I become my own net from here? How do I become my own friend? How... I've been so lost until now. How do I balance while getting right within? Maybe I don't trust myself for making new, sturdy, healthy friends?

Should I become homeless so he proves his point that I can't make it? How do I go on from here, thinking no one will be by my side when I need them most? That I thought it would be easier on my own? I thought I was loud and clear...

Don't make me wait. And he did just that. I went nuts with regret and empty gestures and neglect... He made me wait around to follow thru with classes that he never intended to take, and finish. And his vision? HIS vision. I fell in love with the idea I had of us, getting married first, and then having to choose each other over and over bc we had made a promise to each other....but he did not make one to me...I made a vow in my head to him bc I was incredibly ready to get fucking married... but he was never ready....... He never made a vow to me. I was silly and never knew what I had done until it was almost too late.

He had kept talking about doing things with me, or joking around like he liked.... But I was never allowed to be my playful self... I was always supposed to be serious when it was time. He stopped learning how to laugh with me... Isn't that love? Understanding each other? Enjoying the moment? Cherishing them? Knowing everything's going to be ok? 

Is that faith? Or a belief otherwise would surely be Insanity.

You can never predict a whole day... You can only do life one way, how would you like to live it? 

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...the end lesson of About Time with Bill Nighy.... Like, what a banger of a thought. What if you were just nice for no reason? 

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I wish I could fly off and visit Brother for a weekend. I wish I could see Sister more without getting triggered AF. I wish I could live with myself better... But my brain can't bring me there. I am getting so exhausted being on my own. I don't want to get married until I am sure next time... Like, double sure, like... I am actually dealing with my own shit, if you'd like to still know me after I keep trying to tell you I'm worthless, and you keep proving me wrong ... Then I'll know you love me. 

I used to get so sad when we'd hang out with some of his in-town friends and they'd talk about movies they've watched together and shows they're watching together... We never did that... I had to keep begging him to watch Gravity Falls with me. It was easier with SBB, bc he wasn't fighting me all the time. 

I gave up on DW with Crickets... Shame. He'll never get to that tshirt. Funnily enough, Van Gogh isn't my favorite painter... it's Caravaggio or Pissario... Cezanne.... Ancient Egypt 18th dynasty & Pharaoh Hatshepsut = holy Roman empire for most others...

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Anyway, thanks for reading these. If you know me, say hello, from time to time. 💖 Follow the impulse to be positive. ;) 

But no pressure if you don't ;)

Snow. ❄️