Expanding

Everyone wants to be recognized in someway. I don't trust myself making friends anymore bc everyone always leaves or I lose contact. Does that make me a bad person? Flakey? Flighty? Eclectic?... So maybe I'm afraid of investing time into a person, again... I understand why my mother can't network with people outside of a screen. But I don't want to be her in twenty years... I want to give back but at the same time, I'd like to stay sane... 

Which society do I bend to, work with, and thrive?

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I'm a pretty nerd... My sense of societal placement has always been unaware to me. ...my first friends were always the more flirtatious and lively. My first friends were the rejects or the "acting white" friends... Or other people who didn't qualify for the right groups to enter into, in hs... Bc I'll be happier if I group myself with the right people. Who are the right people?

Where do the childless women folk go to be left alone long enough to form their own thoughts? Quiet and no loud noises... 

During Dragoncon weekend, I was flirted with by an older woman and it was really nice. It was a kick up to my ego, for sure. 

But how do I move beyond that? What societies are in operation in front of my nose, let alone being unaware to have been flirted with. It's been awhile since someone approached me. I feel myself analyzing every situation and people are sharing with me, themselves. But I haven't an idea how to connect. I think I suck at intimacy... I've had to explain myself to others over and over again. And I am so tired. Worn out.

I learn a lot in human interactions during con more so than everyday life. So many people are operating on so many different levels of societal rules... How are we supposed to know or be aware all the time? What rules do they operate with? 

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I wonder about the state of you. I wonder if you've realized that you were as much a jerk as I was, and neither of us should've dated the other if we knew how immature the other was... I just wish he believed in me like I believed in me... He wanted me to fit into a box... 

I won't even be put into a corner. 

I don't want to feel trapped. 

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The authors would conviene at the Westin bar... Every night at con. I'm sure there's a society in there, as well, that I'll have to navigate. It seemed like there were people schmoozing for networking and others were there for friendships. ...or maybe both? 

Also everyone's names have blurred together... So if you're here, reintroduce yourself ;) re explain what you were wearing and I'll probably remember that better. 

.. 

I wonder about how the ex is feeling or what his state of mind is. He obv never liked or needed me like I did of him... He had it all under control /s. All the time. I wasn't allowed to help or calm his mind. Reassure him. Reassure myself that I'm dependable. But am I? 

Last year at con, he left some items somewhere and was really bummed. He grabbed my shoulders and told me to stay in one area like a child, he couldn't utilize me or find me resourceful. 

The next day, I skipped panels and went to lost n found and viola! Had it all right there... For him. Bc he didn't trust or utilize me or what I knew of cons. He treated me like some invalid child. 

"You're the brains of the operation" = always a lie. 

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It always seemed like I never had all the information needed to talk to him or about what was bothering him. He always brought big loud emotions to the table instead of the calmness of listening. And maybe it wore on him that we were never speaking each other's languages. He is a different person just like I'm a different person. I just thought we'd always be attending cons together. I thought we could go back to being friends... But there was no one to tell on him to. So I told the internet. It's not like he's a senator and I'm divulging secrets... 

Anyway, I saw the ex at con, briefly. How ready he was to see me, idk. I mean, I have vaguely talked-shit about him online, so ... That tracks. A lot of anger and resentment built up on both sides. ... Someone will have to deal with those emotions of his, eventually. I hope it's him. I hope he does the shadow work instead of blaming everything on me. Or taking it out on a new partner.

I wasn't allowed to discuss feelings when I was having them because he was either not there or in the other room. Doing his computer work. Or I'd forget. And when I did bring up something, I was wrong. Or "you're lucky ily, I would've hurt your feelings if I told you the truth." ...actually means you're an asshole and you don't want to be called out on your shit... Or have to "deal" with the reactions of my feelings. 

I wasn't allowed to change my mind or grow as a person... He had tunnel vision for what HE wanted... Was going hard for whatever he wanted... But at a certain point... I didn't want those same things. We didn't have an our plan. We never had an us. Was it real?

...my initial first thought was whoever he was with, whoever he was helping, they're in good hands. I am curious if they're someone he fancied.... Bc like, good for him. I seemingly didn't register for her, so he kept it secret. Trudged on past me like I didn't exist. It hurt, but also it doesn't... 

They were on a mission somewhere and he was going to save or help this person... Tracks. That's just who he is. He likes to help out... As long as he's in control.

Who she was wasn't as important as who she was with... 

I think he saw me first. As I looked up and noticed him, he was mid-hesitation when he realized I had made him. He pushed forward, ushering his friend beside him, passing me by. We locked eyes briefly and how much "it isn't the time for a hello" look on his face. The face I hadnt known for so long, a complete stranger. A ripped piece of my life for 4 years, just passing me by. Like I don't have the privilege to know him anymore, just like he doesn't know me... Obviously... I'm the devil in his story... He was a tired little child, tired of taking care of me--a tired little child. I get it. It would make sense that we weren't ever going to work out. We had no idea how to communicate and listen to one another... Keep calm and a steady head approaching the problem. But how? 

He and I did a weird head-nod of acknowledgement... How do we interact in public going forward? Do we act like strangers? We were together for 4 years, knew him for 8. Did we have a good friendship or was he fanning his crush and I got locked in? Was it proximity? Do I miss him or miss having a person around as an option? Is that the abuse talking again? 

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Chefs son will be by the shop on Wednesday. I'll try not to look half dead. That evening I'm seeing a movie with a friend... My Old Ass... I'm assuming it's about millennials. 

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For me, socially, it's important to have a really good Anchor, in the crowd. I have an author friend that I met last year at Con and he brought me to the Westin last night (Sunday) to meet all his writing acquaintances... It was fascinating. A lot of people watching to take in. 

He was my anchor or safe base. He was there with his wife so they were super safe base. And she was pregnant. Moms, amiright? She was gorgeous and glowing. She kept sizing me up, and that makes sense... Threats are always other pretty women. But men are often oblivious of those cues. I'm glad I had a good Anchor. 

I did meet one cool person in the bunch. She shares the ex name so... That'll be great. So many... Common names... Truck stop keychain name nicknacks... I'll never understand. My name was always there... 

I really need to pass out cards or ribbons... The Southern Snow. Get my blog out there... Only twenty years behind the times, no biggie. /s

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I wonder, when the ex saw me, what was that emotion on his face? Regret? Remorse? Anger? Definitely not curiousity. Sadness? He had such a bitter sadness about him, all the time. It wasn't always me... I was reflecting something you didn't like, and instead of listening and loving me enough to feel actually safe and actually open up... You keep it bottled up. Terrified what others might think or feel. But OMG... Isn't that exhausting? My first steps this weekend as an author was to go to where they socialize and conviene... Done. Now try to get something fucking published. Anything. Get my name out there.... Maybe make a new friend....

I have a few ideas of stories. I do love short stories and would like to write longer ones... Not sure how to navigate the formatting of this blog vs going somewhere else... I just needed to start writing like I knew what I was doing like all the other human adults, pretending to adult. 

Doo dah doo da doo... Taxes. 

Adult stuff! 

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It was difficult to navigate con alone. I knew I could depend on my friends who were there, but I like to move fast and gawk at people. I got people to see and describe later!

I'm glad I went to the meetups I did! Met a few new people. Got to meet people through others. A lot of new friendships. I'm excited to have different friendship dynamics and drawing boundaries in the sand vs stone. 

I am proud of myself for navigating con by myself and enjoyed the panels I attended and gave out chocolate to randos! ...my charisma was all out by the end of Sunday. ...so that last interaction was probably really awkward. Sorry. Lol enjoy the chocolate!

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Being on my own completely, is completely painful. Are people supposed to be this alone? I might be isolating again. ...I don't really have any contingency plan if I miss rent or anything... 

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I've been a loner most of my life, mostly bc I've felt rejected most places I try to go to... Or hangout. Is life supposed to be this boring on a daily basis? I don't trust myself to mooch or use people as resources. ...I hate how that's how I see people bc of trauma that happened in childhood. Why can't I just have friends? How can I utilize the conversation I'm having to my own benefit? These are the thoughts that used to drive me... But I want to unlearn and be a better friend... How do I do that? With other patient friends who don't mind reminding me things?

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Bc of the ex, Crickets, I have a stronger sense of who I am, confidently. But also, now, I have a strong "what I don't like" boundary. It is interesting making friends the way I want to now.

The opposite of confidence is self-doubt. With being confident, you have to believe in what you're communicating... the belief gives light to purpose. 

As a writer, I have a unique perspective on how the world works. I have to make sense of it to understand it and to make new pathways in my head. I have to be able to describe the world around me... Emerse myself in characters... Write what I know... And what I don't. 

Talk to different people. 

Here I go... Talking to people. Terrified I might say something wrong. 

Snow.