The St. Louis Snow

So I told Brother that this blog exists. I spent most of the night trying to stay up and finish editing this shit so it doesn't get out that I am a bit crazy? Dad would say I'm too sensitive... but that's ableist and silly. I am not too sensitive once you take all the trauma into context. But I am following my own ambitions of talking more on podcasts about my past trauma.... On the off-hand that it helps someone in need. Btw, I'm gay. Well, queer. Queer autistic ADHD. Vaccinations did not cause autism...  Fuck it. Best you find out this way than not.  I am probably never having children of my own again. I don't trust my body to not kill me. I'm like healthy. But not like, I can take care of myself without freaking out. I am so incredibly tired at the end of my day. I have been trying to make sense of my brain for the last thirty years... I am VERY angry at dad. That emotionally neglectful man could never say sorry for us enough for marrying a completely incompe...

Maybe there's no real way to make friends... I get being your authentic self but I can't be myself around just anybody. I have been hurt too many times. As an autistic woman, I cannot be my complete self without unmasking all the way, and know that people can either accept me or be put off, that's not my problem... If weed is supposed to mellow you out ... It is the only substance that gets me to myself... That I know the person I am with won't judge me harshly, if I say something bad or if I say no, or I retell the story 500 times... Or that they'll have to remind me sometimes of things they've said before. That they forgive me from the start... That they know I mean well... They are safe bc they have patience. That they love me, even my constant mistakes. My forgetful brain can't remember everything all the time... That would be insane, right? How can you remember everything all the time and switch between tasks so gracefully? I used to be able to... But n...

Sept 13th We are all made up of moments. I am glad I spend it with the other people I share faith in ;) moments to look back on. The conversation is the soundtrack, the activity was the melody. Just sitting in a friend's car, smoking. Being bad.   ... I always kinda liked the novelty pillows. The ridiculous throw pillows? The make-the-bed moments that never were bc Crickets just convinced himself I hated it, too. It's bc I got tired of asking for help or attempting to not care that he left it that way.  For me to see later? To see he had failed to keep my space neat and tidy? He never respected any of my things bc he never respected me... And bc there was no respect, I couldn't keep up with the effort of accountability. Vice versa, I'd like to say, but I feel like I not only respected, but mended his items ... He had a faulty Sonic plush toy that was very old and leaking stuffing. I mended them. He had said thank you. But never returned the favor... They were just thing...

I am really good at flirting. I'm a pretty nerd and men are easy to read, especially if they think they're cool; Easy. Being taken care of is the dream... But why doesn't it feel good?  I'm really good at having playful interactions. But I'm pretty bad at other relationships... The intimacy of finances and careers... I am so worried about what others are doing or saying or thinking... Things I can't control. What will others think.... I used to make friends through people I already knew, vetted friends of friends. Usually, it was my S.O. and their friends... Bc I had no friends tangibly... In my phone, sure. On social media, sure. But I feel like I can't connect otherwise. Coworkers are easy, but not always good at conveying I did something wrong or rude. Some are better than others and don't take it personally. Why bother? No one wants to know me like that. I'm just a pretty face and butt to look at. No one actually reads these... Lol.  ... I was mo...

Everyone wants to be recognized in someway. I don't trust myself making friends anymore bc everyone always leaves or I lose contact. Does that make me a bad person? Flakey? Flighty? Eclectic?... So maybe I'm afraid of investing time into a person, again... I understand why my mother can't network with people outside of a screen. But I don't want to be her in twenty years... I want to give back but at the same time, I'd like to stay sane...  Which society do I bend to, work with, and thrive? ... I'm a pretty nerd... My sense of societal placement has always been unaware to me. ...my first friends were always the more flirtatious and lively. My first friends were the rejects or the "acting white" friends... Or other people who didn't qualify for the right groups to enter into, in hs... Bc I'll be happier if I group myself with the right people. Who are the right people? Where do the childless women folk go to be left alone long enough to form the...