You Became My Bad Routine

Idk what I'd do if I didn't work. Didn't have coworkers. Didn't have friends. 

Idk who I'd turn to if I was in trouble. I trust new people, but then I don't trust those I've known for years... Idk what changed. People change and forget to tell each other sometimes. It doesn't mean love isn't or wasn't ever there... Or still is. Just, the person who has or gives the love is different.... In a good way, usually. Hopefully. 

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According to him, Crickets learned to love himself bc of me. ...I hope he figures out how to forgive himself and how to change for the better... And how to be vulnerable with the people who know him best. It wasn't just me, apparently. I was never trusted with his big emotions... Even though I am more emotionally intelligent (and he knew that), doesn't mean he was stupid. ...in order to get better and smarter in emotions is to understand the self. 

Understand why you are feeling a certain way, not just reacting. Assess the situation properly... The arrogantly ignorant just yell and scream and stomp their feet like a toddler... Like Crickets. He put my life in danger at least twice because of his immaturity.

Whenever he had an attitude with me, and was sarcastic, I laughed bc I thought it was funny... I didn't know he was being rude to me. I had thought he was always kind to me. He was just not telling me everything, protecting himself and his own feelings. But he always said "that I wouldn't be able to handle him." And he was right... He never showed me his actual vulnerability side. He was never kind to himself, and thus never kind to me. High masking, yes. But not stupid.... 'this is really me' is it? ...if we never resolved anything else, I hope he can see now that we were never meant to be... We weren't even supposed to date. 

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Me to Crickets, directly:

I had thought of you as my best friend for so long, and I kept meeting you, over and over; you kept reminding me of others who had come before you... I kept thinking of you fondly, and wanting to touch you more and more.... 

You had told me, in your dirty ass smelly car, that "going to concerts" and "going to games" were important to you. I could tell how nervous you were. It wasn't raining. I took that conversation and decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend those events with you bc you had said they were important aspects of you... ........ In turn, you seemingly never stepped outside your comfort zone for me. You never learned through mirroring like I do.... Did. 

I always needed reassurance, he was always fresh out... Or annoyed I kept asking. He had no idea how to love me because he had no idea how to love and be kind and forgiving of himself. He hangs onto it. Letting it fester and rot within him like his teeth. 

..

The night you dropped me off at Adair Oaks, when it was raining (2019) was the night I wanted to k*ll myself. My nephew was a week away and my brothers wedding was in two. Looking back, I was having a mental breakdown... And Crickets was my life raft. After those events, we had made or had dinner and he held me. I sobbed into his arms. I just needed someone to hold me and tell me that at everything was ok..... And he did. For both events. 

...

If I was to rewrite that scene... Dropping me off at home, after walking over to see him at work, at the bar. After I closed up at my work... It was raining. Because I always thought we'd be a great story to tell someone one day... He would've gotten out of his car and ran around to the side of the car, opening my door and telling me to "get tf out of it and hug me!" In the rain. Perfect.

But that didn't happen. You didn't hug me. You may have said you wanted to ... But there was no passion. Did you not want me then? I really needed a hug... I distinctly remember no hugs that night. 

I miss his hugs. He gave the best hugs.

...

Crickets...

Do you really think I don't miss you? I miss you all the time. You're the idiot. No, A... YOU are the idiot. You've been telling me for years that you don't want to be with ME by your actions. You never actually told me YES or NO to a very simple answer (do you find me intimidating?) I think you do. But you never wanted to learn me as I thought I had of you. 

Either you understand humility vs arrogance or you don't. I am still talking. I will continue. ....you just mad bc you never brought my attitude out. My sass. My wit. My cleverness. My fight. My proof that I have intelligence and I have information that you don't know. You snuffed it out bc you didn't like to be confronted over and over that YOU were being the jerkface. You stopped apologizing. You kept wanting and needing to be in control and it blinded you.

You cannot know everything. Or be right all the time. Or in control, all of the time! You mistook me not yelling and fighting you, for not caring... I didn't want to be yelled at. I didn't want such intense emotions all the time... You were exhausting to be around.

Or always be ok... You never asked for help. You never needed my help... If you don't know how to speak clearly and BLUNTLY, without emotion. You can't understand them, first. #WWSD? What Would Spock Do? 

The way you thought you were coming at me about issues was all wrong. Your emotions were never clear to me. I bent over backwards and did whatever you said to avoid confrontation. You'd get annoyed so quickly and it was embarrassing. It always embarrassed me... Out in public, you'd embarrass me by taking the side of the waitstaff and your stubborn sense of justice would be not intimidating at all... It was seen as immature. You had an unwavering sense of justice and who deserved what certain level of compassion vs the enemy/the opposite ... ? You could never be corrected or be wrong. 

Point is, I was never right about the big stuff like having the audacity about bringing home a fucking mini fridge during year two of that hell hole apartment in the middle of fucking nowhere? Cramped of stuff... I hated that place... That neither of us wanted to clean up ... But had to be alone to clean... But then we never cleaned, and whenever I did or fixed a problem, you never said thank you... So after awhile, why do it at all? You just pointed out my mistakes. You could never meet me where I was... Appreciating. I had thought the sun shown out of your ass, once. 

We fell out of habit bc we didn't want to disturb the other. We never had even perfected that at habit; fixing problems, choosing the other...

For the same reason; we didn't want to upset the other... You could never express yourself with me again, and you stopped trusting me and stopped being able to talk to me bluntly. Bc of MY feelings or yours? And not mean it. Or take it too personally. Like... You never liked it when I got an attitude with you, why on earth would you have an attitude with me? My issue would be minor and you'd act like I just slapped your mom. But then you'd misjudge and misremember, but I was the one wrong all the time. You could never be wrong. 

It's just that you didn't hear me? Or see me? You were right there all of the time. I'd want to eat dinner with you after cooking... I hadn't seen you all day. I like to eat dinner with loved ones. If you want to watch something, IDC what. I tried setting up dates all the time... But you never wanted to watch anything with me. I was a chore. 

I liked to be greeted at the door and I like to be thanked and thought of and considered... It was too much for you. I was too much for you. I demanded too much from you. I had assumed since you were with me, you'd magically be the guy I thought you were. Lol

You got the separate room which was CRAMPED AF. You won the office... There wasn't anywhere else I'd have rather to have been ... I wasn't supposed to hangout with you all the time? It never made sense to me. I'm a clingy girl. You wanted space but didn't want to upset me... So you'd omit truths to really throw me into a meta crisis... Without understanding that I want and sometimes need constant attention. 

That was too much for my immediate family, I guess? Everyone leaves. No idea how to be a better person without omitting some of my own truths that I'm not ready to stop exploring. Ie, masking.

But because he didn't like my attitude and didn't like my sass, I stopped expressing it. I chopped off that aspect like to self mutilation... Meanwhile, he was watching what he wanted to watch alone, with my old TV as his second monitor on my dining table where we used to share meals and talk. But no, his meal time was his time. And my resentments grew like kudzu. 

...............

Crickets would have a severe reaction to my brattiness, aka my sass... He'd get bent out shape like I took away a 4year olds time to play with toys. A sense of control. 

But he'd gaslight me all the time; "it kills me inside to hurt you." ....duh, I didn't want to hurt you... So I followed suit.... Thus repeating the stupidity.... Sorry. I omitted truths to not hurt your feelings just like you did for me. I was fascinated by you, like I'm a deep stupor. But analysing with the 20/20 filter... Idk if it was true love if it always felt like a one way street. 

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I have trouble with gossip.... What it is, isn't, what's too much, or not enough? What is said when it's private, to whom as well. What is not for who to also know... I do not describe my friends as an "unruly Teenager" .... 

When Crickets and I were getting to know each other in the beginning of our relationship (2016) we were explaining who was who in our friend group. Gabby is "the mom" and Stewart is the drama queen, and Natalie is an unruly teenager... That's what he had said about his friends. Natalie never stopped complaining. She was very difficult to hang around, bc she'd gossip about everyone else, especially Gabby... Meaning she'd eventually gossip about me to others, bc that's how gossipers always work... But then Gabby would complain to me about Natalie and vice versa. Was I supposed to agree? I never wanted to hang out with them bc the gossip was always so mean... 

Seeing the dynamic of that friend group, Crickets loved everyone with his whole heart, but that friend group was falling apart... Crickets was loved by them too but was kind of a dick. He got left out a lot from side trips and childless trips with them. He was the yes man, instead of any of the Leaders. The deciders. 

I don't describe my friends as an unruly teenager. And I tried to make that joke in front of Stewart, and Crickets said he had never said that... Leaving me looking like the dick. But those weren't my words... 

Also, both Gabby and Natalie would gossip to me about the other... I never wanted to explore those friendships because they seemed like a big investment in drama I didn't have time for. The energy of emotions is limited.... They both sucked the energy out of the room. They were selfish. 

...one friend group wanted the summer trips to remain childless. And the other wanted to bring their kids. The first time I met them, Gabby had brought her 6 month old. ...bc she didn't want to miss the trip. Selfish. Six months. That child needed to be at home! Whether or not the trip was for kids, too...

That kid needed to be home... Nobody wants to go away for a weekend and hear a screaming babe... 

But I digress... I always loved his fantasy football friends... And I was supposed to set up playdates with everyone around town?... But you never planned any of our dates. .... There was no balance of effort in our relationship ... I was a mooching roommate who was severely under loved and unappreciated.

You stopped dating me. You stopped wanting to know me or what I was thinking. You had an imprint of who I was and I wasn't allowed to change. You never wanted me to change. You stopped believing in us because you stopped believing we could make it... You manifested our failure. Weird how that works like that... Your state of mind goes a long way. I kept believing it was going to be forever. One way street.

Lol

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I had bought Crickets a ring. And I remember he found it on October 18th, two weeks before we broke up for a second time... We called it Quit-quits at the end of December--third time's a charm. ... But he found the ring that day in mid-October, and was softer towards me for two weeks. Didn't tell me he found it... But he was nicer and accommodating all of a sudden. I had thought if I had loved him the way I liked to be loved, that he'd magically change into the man I wanted to marry. 

...I was disillusioned.

You had friends who saw how lucky you were or maybe I embarrassed you? You never said or corrected me. I miss your friends. K and C namely, in MD... Noodles in Cali ... M.

...you cheated. You wanted out. You were ommiting truths just as bad as I was. You failed me over and over and over and over and over and over again. 

Where were all those apologies? He just became an unhealthy routine. And now... I'm enjoying life without you...

It's really hard navigating dating. Not too hard, considering I'm a beautiful nerd... But I always thought that I'd marry my best friend... And so I've treated everyone like that.... But I'm slowly learning not everyone is so clingy? 

Am I not supposed to want to be around my partner a lot? Do I overstay my welcome?

Am I the bad routine everyone is looking to quit?

...

Snow.