The Importance of Chocolate

I would imagine hanging out with someone like me is magical. I understand that might sound arrogant to most... But if that's my mind set, everywhere I go, the stress isn't so impending that I feel as though I don't belong... That's a stress I don't want. The belief that I don't belong, that would be exhausting. 

I can be totally quiet sometimes. But I'm usually at the end of a shift. No one likes to be bored, but I'm glad I have tasks to do in the back. 

We had been moderate and slow day, which means bored to me. The Founders are they/them. There's three of owners, but only two founders. If they ever read this, they never will, they are entirely too busy with the company and their family... And I hope it's never in that order. No business is more important than family. 

But to define a family... There's going to be growing pains... When I was hired, the founders were out of state, because of an ailing parent. Coworker told me. Well, manager at the time. 

Unraveling is when you unmask hard, like... Unravel... And having an employer (my founders) to accommodate ME is unfuckingheard of; regular autistics just get fired... 

Do you know how many times I should've gotten fired at this company? Lol. And didn't? The Mistakes you make along the way, is ok. As long as you change your behavior and never do it again. I don't listen to music or podcasts anymore, at closing time. I had left the sink on that one time, and flooded the back of house at the Market, lol... I will now sing to myself the lyrics of instruction outloud, "you left the sink on" to an interesting tune... When I have sink on in the morning (one of our opening tasks). So if I'm alone, I do that. When I'm not, I have to keep checking it. I hate to keep checking on it. A bell or an alarm is really annoying. It takes me out of the zone of genius, as Chef says. Tisms stick together. 

I knew the moment I met her that I was going to like her. I honestly thought she was going to be black, people describing her to me, just sounded like a strong black woman who gets shit done. But maybe that's my biases... Is that a word?

Well idc. Anyway. 

Chef hates chocolate. Lol. But! She loves the industry. She needed two GOOD people with a great company made up of good people. 

Chef is different than the founders. First, she knows how to answer deep as fuck questions at the drop of a hat. If it's not in an email, the founders don't care. They do not hang out with their employees or socialize. They don't know us. It's nice to be recognized once a year with a $50 bonus that I'll spend on utilities instead of sane fun things like they think... But I am barely holding my reality together. I have a looming worry that my kid died and I was never notified. How could I be so disconnected to the person I birthed? Would I be a horrible mother?

The company founders are always running around with their kids or family or networking the company. Must be exhausting... Their employees are what makes their company, but ok. Chef gets separate treatment in my brain, bc she sees me for the genius I am. She doesn't have to say Good Girl, but she confides in me and trusts me. It's been a long time since a person in her age range placed their trust and pride in me. But am I a coworker or a colleague? Or am I earning a title. A belonging? A belief that I belong, finally, to something greater than myself? It was never the church... They are micro communities and they never expand further beyond their spanse.... Beyond their differences and learn to work with someone and not against them. 

My immediate family is like that... I always felt like an alien. I had a ...weird childhood. Not bad compared to some, not physically abusive... Just emotionally and psychologically. What gets me is that my parents speak to me like they did the best they could... And yeah, I guess they did. But they didn't at the same time. I wish I could approach them and explain without people getting so upset bc they refuse to do their own shadow work... 

My mother has already apologized for her immaturity and misplaced anger during childhood... I have forgiven her .... But I have not forgotten. The trauma I have endured has forever changed me and I get to speak about it the way I want... And when. 

...

"I'm hungry" will always make Chef make food for her kids. 

Did you know, that, elephants view us as we see puppies? Chef doesn't see me as a puppy, I know. But she probably sees me as one of her kids bc she recognizes the similarities in me, that are in herself and her boys. Which I can feel from her as one mother to another. 

I hope coworkers think of me fondly. And not like a puppy ... But I'm usually quiet at the end of my shift bc I'm bored. I have been replenishing the counter... I guess I should keep on. Idk if I do enough at work. There's so much to do but then I get bored... 

And I don't want to talk to customers anymore. I just want to work on stuff. But I want to do it right. 

Apparently Chef does readings... She offered other people recently, and I think they got really mad and offended. Which isn't the right response. I'd love a reading... Please tell me what's wrong with me, bc I can't get over feeling anxious all the fucking time. I always feel like I'm not doing good enough bc keeping up with routines was me coping. But then I started living with a total and complete selfish ass punk. He omitted certain truths and kept choosing himself over me or us bc he was in fight or flight response. Choosing himself was safer than betting on me. I wonder when he stopped trusting me or if he ever did like I did of him? ... And I unlearned all my confidence and self pride I had before I dated him. No idea how to build myself back with what I have to work with... I have to keep unraveling in order to get to the juicy meat at my core. The wound. The mess. The trigger point. ... 

But I know what Chef's on about. Those people are so in their own world. They think they know bc they've been around the world and have seen the atrocities of the power hungry's exhaust that is built on the backs of the weak. The meek. Yes, got it... But it happens right under your nose in your own fucking house. 

I am not paid enough to keep living a somewhat healthy life, on my own. I am up to my eyeballs in debt I don't understand and I barely scoot by without help from friends and family time to time. I work full time, I have full benefits, but that eats into my paycheck % and I just lose interest in the knowledge bc it's overfuckingwhelming. I wish I could remember the intricacies of all that gumbo... But it's just too spicy for me... Brain smart financial stuff? How does everyone travel with thousands of dollars they've somehow accumulated over a time and suddenly have money to fuck with? 

I just shut it down. If I keep being ignorant of it, I don't have to deal with it. But I guess that's life. How do I ask for that help? Everyone who can help is tied up in their own intricacies. How do I start explaining to my brain that I need to do xyz? I need my mice in place... Pretty sure it's one very French word, but you say it like, mice in place ... I have to have all my materials out before I get started... 

Idk what I'm supposed have done by the age of 40, but the ambiguous pressure is right there, regardless. I was supposed to be someone's wife and mom by now, there was no contingency plan for me put in place bc that's my own burden to bare... But it just gets too much. How do I balance anything? Work and Chef and coworkers and my roommates are the only regular people I see, outside of doing fun things 💚! 

I become attached to all these people I see daily, but I cannot hang on for dear life. Individualism doesn't work for humanity, let alone people with autism. But how should I be apart of a community? How would I balance more aspects? I'm unmasking more and more, at work... But I fear I might be dropping the ball in other areas at work and upsetting others... Being unreliable. 

...

I wish I had basic needs met so I could fucking breathe and not be so fucking tired all the time! As soon as I get home, I doomscroll or watch TV.... I disassociate. I am getting more bored with that, but don't have anything else to do... The mess next to me just sits there... waiting...Or anyone else who wants to have out. I like to hang out in the same room with someone, like a cat. 

But Doggo is too clingy sometimes. He needs constant pets. Such an anxious baby boy... Pitties, amiright? 

Doggo is just a big potato muscle gym bro... Not sure if the girl pitties are similar.... They're probably very loving... But Doggo's first humans used them as a bait dog, so his first lesson in life was to never trust humans... I get it. 

That was my first lesson in life, too. 

Snow. 

Ps

Driving sounds wonderful. Not in traffic. Not ever in Atlanta. .... But... Driving a cool car, or an old truck? ... Very nice. I am broken if a city girl like me likes to drive around in loud vehicles. Oh how silly and frivolous of me... How environmentally unconscious of me... Oh that fun ... That kinda fun is disappearing... Loud engines. Cello music. Base rhythms. ...

Drums to the soul. 

I'd love to attend a burning man .. but not the packed ones... The invites only. The experiences of attending an exclusive weekend long event... With other people who are tired of life as is? Safe people... ? Yes please. I would like to participate. But I don't want to sacrifice who I am with dignity... 

Once you've faced a life or death situation... Things are put into perspective. Case and point.