Staying

Most of life is boring. Most of life is connecting with others and caring enough to leave your light sprinkled through out their memories. 

True immortality is the impression one leaves on another. The best ones are felt throughout time. 

I often wonder about the life my father wants... Wanted ...for me. It seems like all I was trained to do was care for others and be of service... I'm still struggling with taking care of myself and my forgetfulness scares me at times. I often wonder if I had settled down with someone, if my dad would have wanted to live with us. ...

Around 2016, I recall a conversation he had with me and Sister about him and retirement... Like when he gets too old, where/how will his kids take care of him? He had looked between us with disappointment in our abilities to do the plausible endeavor of housing an aging parent and I was very confused. How was he going to impose himself like that on our lives like we owed him, now? I would've liked a stronger, more structured and safe childhood... A foundation set in concrete with a complete understanding of belonging and inclusion and feeling apart of something bigger... 

To my dad, I think that was the Catholic Church. I think he found solice in constantly giving to the church and there's an immediate return of stroking an ego instead of setting an atonement. I just never got that with my dad or from any parent, really. Apart of something bigger than myself? I don't really know where that would be... 

....

My dad and my my mother are completely different humans, I've never really had the fantasy of them getting back together. They had so many fights and arguments and outbursts. Moreso my mom towards dad. Dad never let us see his nasty, holds grudges set in stone, side. ...there's a vindictive side that I've definitely suffered from, but never directly knew or experienced first hand. 

He cannot stand to be in the same room as my mother. Is it just the divorce betrayal or something else? I know he doesn't know I read the annulment draft on the laptop he gave me in HS. I guess he thought he cleaned out the laptop... These files were super old, maybe mid 90s. I rarely used the Internet on the laptop, because back then, I'd have had to use the Ethernet. ...he didn't say we were mistakes, but he did state that being married to such an unsettled mind wasn't something he signed up for. It was a mistake. The whole marriage. 

Us... The Mistakes.

...

What are young adults doing now that are good for all? I feel like this generation has grown up more aware of the state of the earth than the Olds ever did or imagined! 

I hope not blindly marrying someone and then having babies without being ready to have babies. I'd rather people enjoy themselves first, get into a little trouble. Save. Strive towards a better tomorrow .... I guess not everyone got the same life lessons as I did. 

Sometimes I don't feel like an adult. I try to enjoy it, and very much do enjoy it at times.... But what makes an adult an adult? 

I've unmasked in front of a few people so far, and it's been a journey of understanding and processing information. And retaining it... 

And making improvements to myself or speaking up with confidence that my feelings will be respected... And validated. And listened to! I can only unmask if I know I can trust you...with me, myself, and I. Gummies help, sure. But I like to be totally myself around family. Found-family is on par. They help me mellow tf out.

If you've known me in some capacity over the last two decades, hi there! You are also found-family... Doesn't matter if we've never met in person. We laugh at the same nonsense and listen to the same comics and we are all in on the comedic nightmare that is life. 

I have friends that I've met once or twice but they are more online like I am... 

...

Recently, my father tried to send me a friend request on fb... Pretty sure I need to block him entirely. FB is where I go to escape the world but then... It's there anyway, just ingested differently. 

My early 20s was full of expectations and rules and "laziness" that we all now know is.... Burn out... being someone else for someone else is draining...

I was probably burnt out from moving so far away for college... But I didn't get in anywhere else with my grades?! Lol. No. No one knew how smart I was back then. Let alone me. Back then, I had nothing. I had mismatched carryons and handmedowns of grievances and disappointments. The freshmen fifteen everyone gained? I lost a good 20lbs with not eating enough. I was used to living away from home, bc I never really felt like I was apart of anything else. But my roommate would often leave for the weekend and I would be on my own... Writing horrible thirsty poetry and not eating... 

I was never part of a good family structure... From my standpoint, my grandfather had the courtesy of not being a burden to the family, so he set himself up nicely, went to a retirement home to live instead of asking for help or just expecting it... 

Dad expected us (the women he woefully emotionally-neglected in our collected childhoods) expected us to care for him in his old age?! I was very confused... 

We had been moving around to be closer to him and a stable family, searching for healthy structures to mirror and act and mask and portray the right emotions. At the right time. 

The right time, and not making a scene, or upsetting anyone... If the outcome he wants is for everyone to be content... He will lose. 

I'm sure my dad thinks he did the best with me, but he did the best for us. Idk if he thought of us often like individuals. Like me and Sister are separate human beings... He'd always have us in the same category; his girls. I get it. But... We don't stay young. What else was I supposed to be picking up? Kids constantly soak up environments. Am I supposed to be friends with him?

I've pieced together what makes or breaks relationships by observing those who are safe and those I admire... Life gets overwhelming sometimes. There's too much to do and I don't know where to start so... It keeps getting pushed back and idk why... There's so much to remember and not enough coping skills amassed enough for an adequate human being but... I get by. 

Anyway... 

Example. My father has told me that sometimes, they vacation to Atlanta and don't tell us. We are his first children. He just blows through town, with or without G, and just... Doesn't find the time to hang out with both or either daughter... 

So... Picture it, 2018, I'm trying to be something I'm not ready for; a devout married Catholic mother of 5 in 4 years... No. Not me. I want to marry my best friend... In 2018, I wanted to not exist anymore. My brother was getting married and my sister was pregnant with their first, and I was so worried it was going to be a girl. I know gender is a construct, that's not this. I was worried about a phrase that could have been a punchline of low hanging fruit, "at least this granddaughter is legitimate." No one ever said that... But I was worried my kid would be forgotten. I was worried I'd be forgotten.

I was seeing a new therapist through a new online friend who was a therapist... I had asked them for a reference and then felt awkward and ghosted them. Oops and sorry. It was a lot. I am better though! Not out of the woods. But good. 

Anyway, where was I? Has anyone guessed? ... So it's like January 2019, and I finally call my dad to tell him I wanted to stop existing and by luck... He was in town! Gosh. Almost like if we felt like we were wanted as friends, to hang out... We would know what that healthily felt like... But we don't. I had to go find people that like me, but really just likes me. 

Rare. Can't trust everyone to be healthy. That's a tall order. But if you've been a better friend and good person for a number of years and you've seen this same awesome human grow into an even better human, you are logically ok. 

Dad was never consistently around for us to have a proper understanding of what an emotionally healthy masculine person is supposed to feel like? I remember fun outings and trips and food... But I don't remember how to structure life bc every two weeks I had to interrupt my own life with....my own life. Just one haphazardly shit wheel after another like an avenlanche. 

When my dad gets too old, I'm not sure what we'll do. I regret not knowing him better, but he's had my entire life to get to know me so... I get to restrict him until I feel more comfortable. 

I cannot emotionally confide in my father like some can with me... I didn't mind when people confide in me... In fact, I like it more than small talk bs. I like to speak with intent. 

I worry about future me, bc I have zero plans. Everyone wants me to be married by now and move on already! "What is she waiting around for?" What or who will I forget? 

Will I ever be able to feed myself properly or do a good routine of hygiene? Finances? I haven't a clue what I'm doing? Where did everyone else learn these skills? 

...

...oh, when I called my dad to tell him I didn't want to exist, he was in town, took me to that Korean BBQ place in back of Twains in Decatur. Did the whole boomer shoulder check and whispered that he, too, has had therapy! 

Confused, since yeah... Like, going to therapy... What I've been doing on and off for the last 25 years? Lol. I know there's no shame for me to go. Lol. But you carry that shame for some reason? ...no one is having their shit taken care of the way that I am or ever would advise. ... Not sure what else to do. 

...G will probably move closer to wherever Brother and family go... Our real mom would rather us forget her in a home.... But I'd want her a little closer... She doesn't have a community there anyway... 

Aging parents.... The pressures. The expectations still hang there in the air of offsprings... But I still feel out of place in the family... I am destined to be the village witch. 

I always wanted to be the person someone would trust, but I don't know anyone in the family like that. Not really. Maybe the cousins. 

Sometimes I'm messaged with a nice message... But then no one wants a whole conversation...

At least I still get some hellos. Some buoye of hope... Maybe someday people will learn to be their own critical thinkers than sheep on leashes...

It all depends on who you know. 

Am I networking or making lasting friendships? I have no idea. I was raised by conservative boomers...  And a genX hermit

Idfk

Snow.