Dancing

I'm sure all my father wants for me is to attend church, find a husband, and start a family. My life right now doesn't really allow for that... I don't have a sane immediate family to call upon so the only way is to have a family is to make one ... Which is a super shitty burden to put upon your kids. 

I really miss Crickets' family, sometimes. Hanging out with them never felt like a performance or a theatrical production. I never thought I'd be floating along at this time in my life. I was promised a partner to take care of me... After living a lot, that mentality is unfair...and unhealthy. But what I have to do is rewrite the baseline code... 

But how do you do that with burn out? What are the next steps to this dance? I can't follow along and I definitely can't keep up. I keep feeling like the world is drastically changing and I am not. 

...

The job I have is really cool, but it isn't paying the bills... And I'm exhausted, but usually when I work with Chef, I'm not. She says she's an asshole, and I'm sure she can be. She is authentic... She doesn't bullshit, it's not in her core programming. She doesn't fit into a troupe or a category of human, like most do... NTs want to believe they're unique, but most people struggle with Identity and it's really obvious. Most are troupes of background characters. Most people are boring. 

Chef is a gem of a human. Most people I work with are also stoic and kind. They've protected their kindness through a lot of shit that I've barely been told about. Like, we have all our stories that we tell one another... But how we learn and strive for growth... That's what counts. 

Her partner is struggling and I wish I could help in some way. I wish I could take away their pain and ailment. 

Her oldest is in his early 20s. I have never soberly opened up so openly with a strange man before. He is kind, tall, and very understanding. He reminds me of the bear in "the big blue house"... It was a Jim Henson production on ABC back in the early aughts. And I mean that association as a compliment. He's a big safe man who is easy on the eyes... I didn't have a crush on a Muppet, even if it was a human operator...

And Chef's son likes me. I respect him too much as a person, to get myself mixed up with that complication. He doesn't deserve my crazy. The age gap bothers me sometimes, he's younger than my little brother! And my respect for Chef is more than my monthly crush; it's sacred. I hope I always get to know her in some capacity.

...

I wish I was a little less self aware, I'd be so much happier ... and more in the company of loved ones. I feel all this love inside but I am without the right person to share it with... I don't trust myself with that decision again. I thought I was dating my best friend... I was living an illusion of thoughts... I was never dating a reality. Were we ever best friends? It wasn't real. He wasn't real. Just a projection of what I wanted in a partner. I wasn't listening.

...

I wish I was able to provide for myself. But all I feel is a rumbling stomach.... I'm not paid enough to eat more than a meal a day. And I don't even eat meals... If it wasn't for a food delivery service, I'd probably just have snacks... 

I need to have a job where it's just a paycheck... it's the only routine I have, the only daily routine. Where I don't feel like I have to give it my all for approval... I come in, do the work, and leave. But instead I've tied my purpose and friendships and routine into work... And I am imbalanced. I have no idea what I'm doing. How do I ask for a help that I can't even identify?

... But how do people have friends outside of work...just friends? I would like to come home to someone. I guess I just don't know the steps that get me from here, living paycheck to paycheck and borrowing from my parents so I don't starve... to the place I want to be. I don't know what stability feels like. I don't want to feel like an outsider but also I don't want to feel like an invader. A burden. 

...

I want to live in the city, in a condo, where I can walk down to a convenient or grocery store... I want to operate my massage business out of my condo. I want to focus on waitstaff and burlesque. I want to craft... 

I want to write! Books, fiction and non fiction. I want to paint. I want to go back to school for psychology and study autism... I want to help people with autism. Especially kids... Because I never got that help...

...

I feel out of place most times and I feel like I overstay my welcome. 

I struggle with feeling like I'm enough for partners and friends. I mask heavily when speaking with my dad bc he'd rather make light of the aspects I share with him about autism. He's always in the middle of something when we catch up once a month... But his voice changes if I say I'm sad or asking for money. I wonder what he thinks of me... I wonder what he wished he had said to me... I wonder if he likes me. I know he loves me, but that's different. 

Me being autistic is just a big joke to him. He means well, but he keeps proving himself unsafe to open up to and ask for true help. 

He's a great writer... But a conservative who refers to former president Skidmarks as "a flawed man." ...my dad is voting for a power hungry traitor who would rather sell America to the highest bidder... He's a babbling idiot who is full of shit... He doesn't care at all about anyone besides himself... As an official, he made a mockery of our govt, and he's raped children... Allegedly... But it's believable, right? Skidmarks, that is... My father is a good man. I cannot believe differently.

...my father is voting for a silly h*tler and he thinks he's voting for an actual human. Skidmarks is a shit stain to the American way... He really doesn't need to be made a martyr... But I'm kinda bummed he didn't cease to exist. I do think it was staged and that it was a last attempt dash at pity votes. 

...

... The American dream was never real. America acts like they're a big world power, but the rest of the world? Nah. We are the middle aged fast food restaurant manager, who piqued in high school. ...

There's that great clip of Jeff Daniels from the Newsroom... It is apt, and it makes me feel like a proud American, but then a sad human. 

What will be the catalyst for our country's divide? Our survival... Our wake up call? Will we have a rude awakening? ...yes, probably.

...

...I wish it was easier to live alone. I wish I wasn't so isolated or weird. I have reached out to family before and have tried to continue a conversation with those who have reached out first... But no one has time for me or maybe they're just super busy with their own lives. I don't want to be a moocher.

...

I will maybe see a cousin during Dragoncon. So that'll be nice. She lives in the Midwest... Close to her parents who have always taught her the right kind of love ... Who have made her feel the knowledge of love. Stability.

I feel like if I reached out for help, externally to my dad, he will look bad and be questioned. But then again, "sit with other family" burns into my soul. And it reminds me that he'll always clump me and Sister together in the Mistakes category... Third time's the charm, right? Silver lining is that Brother has never held his Golden Child title over or against us... 

I wish I could call upon a different uncle or a different person in the family to feel that sort of connection that I crave. No one is a bigot, really. They're just Boomers... But they're all wrapped up in their own lives. I don't understand gossip rules anymore. What's ok to say/write about another? Especially family? 

It's a lot to live here in the state I am in... I feel myself and my mind wasting away online but I haven't a clue how to be apart of one community IRL... I feel like a rebel without a cause. Cliche, I know. I have no idea what it's like to be apart of a healthy family... There are odd dynamics with every family unit...but... I have no home.

I feel lost. 

...

The church is too small. At least in America... But I wish I could travel. I wish I could interact with all sorts of different kinds of people. I wish people wanted to know me as a friend. I wish I didn't feel like a burden to most. I wish I had a more stable home life so I can focus on other aspects that I'd like to work on. 

I miss Crickets a lot. I'm not sure if I miss him for my own benefit or that I actually miss him. I am very confused about it. 

But he kept hurting me... And it's better this way, right? I don't know how to get my brain to do what I want it to do. I don't want to be trapped, but I don't want to be useless, either. I just fell through the cracks... 

I know it'll be a lot of work... But I haven't a clue how to balance my life and stay sheltered and fed correctly. Consistently. I'm in a state of burnout... But I don't know what help to ask for, let alone express the need to have it all the time... The dependency. I fear that one day, I won't be able to survive on my own and I'll have to shack up with a partner until the next one. I feel trapped even though I'm free. I feel bogged down by stuff... Stuff I wish I didn't need. 

...

Affordable housing is for struggling families with babies... Not for autistic women who are in a perpetual holding pattern. 

...

Transitions are super hard when you don't have the right landing gear... 

And yet, I continue this dance...

Snow.