the Origin of My Love

From me, to someone I would bestow upon the blessing "my love," this one's for you... Anyone I have ever loved, yes. But especially to those who I had to learn how to love. You all gave me my first examples of how to be a human. Parents, siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, older and younger. 

Everyone in my family initially taught me how to love myself because my loved ones loved me. I understand what love is, it's my anchor to this earth. I don't think a lot of people really actually love themselves, or even can stand themselves, let alone trust. What is it besides faith? You have to feel safe with another human being. And so, I try to seek out safe, first. And then go from there... 

During Quarantine, I was alone with my own thoughts, a lot. I didn't just want aimless writings... I wanted to travel back into my memories and try to relive and analyze what may have happened instead of whatever building block my parents thought they were creating with me, but were never using actually-good materials. ... hand-me-downs of expectations, not the adventure for knowledge...the thirst for truth... That was what my family tried to uphold... *There's no such thing as a one-sided story* ...

During the big Q, I wanted to remember when I had last felt love, and see where I may have crossed wires. See where I had *first* felt loved, too... like, not everyone has the same Snow map or diagram of the stories that make her up. Do you think everyone can read me so well? Can they see right through me? Can I be seen at all?

.....

From watching 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch,' .....

I have questions about your favorite movie. The lesson is, once you start accepting your self, as yourself, life will improve. Or did they die? Orrrr, did the young boy star OD and sacrificed their being...the tattoo changed. Interesting. 

....

If I tell people how I grew up, maybe someone will be able to piece me back together, as everything breaks, over and over again, worrying about the next thing, instead of processing whatever they thought I was processing. 

Sometimes I try to remember my parents in the same room as me, when I was before 6 years old, but it's odd to connect because I wasn't paying attention to the fighting or the dirty looks between them... Child logic is the thought process of younger you...  So children are inherently selfish, they're supposed to be... But if a child was witnessing their parents fighting, they'd probably think "what did I do for mom and Dad to be so angry?" ....

When I get too old, will I change too quickly? Will I change drastically into a drooling idiot or is that many years ahead? I don't want to disappear into the background like a wallflower. I want to write my own story. Maybe if something godforbidhappens, someone will be able to tell her that she was loved, every day. And it was really hard to move away from the notion that she may never want a relationship with me... That she must hate me for giving her up... Have you BEEN TO WEST COUNTY (STL)?! Believe me, I'd rather you the life of a Frontenac Princess than a Hazelwood sl*t...  [To my kid, the one and only, idk you rn in the moment of writing these words; idk who you are as a person, but good lord I am not ready to meet you. I'm not exactly all there. I just hope I don't miss you by just enough... I hope I do get to know you in some capacity and I hope you don't hate me forever].

....

Parents are supposed to teach through examples, so if something doesn't work, change. For the betterment of your children, change... Those who retreat inside their own echo chamber, the outside world is too scary! Uhm... I've had to navigate a plethora of different worlds through out my life (inside and out), and most times kicking and screaming. It's so many rules and things to keep track of... and those who have felt familiar, felt as though they actually cared and were CALM.  ...were healthy. ...were safe. Were trustworthy. Probably queer 🌈 For me, people understand grief of whatever their life should've been... The grief of never was... Sometimes I try to fathom the world in which I kept her, but I found who I felt was right for her in the right moments. ... This should really be a separate entry... 

Were these people out for something from me? Or do they just want me, and my calm company? No expectations to perform or conform, just to clarify for me... They just want me and nothing else? I don't believe people want me beyond my beauty. Something I can do for them, besides existing. Do they really want to know what I'm thinking?

I wish I could write down my own story, the one that actually happened. The way in which it was perceived to have happened... Vs. the contents of contexts... Little Me wasn't as present as others thought; I had to escape all the time... 

There was a lot of constant yelling. It was very hard to retain the right knowledge. There was always a lot of yelling around being inconsiderate ... But both moms meant different things by the same word and that made lessons difficult; faulty foundations. Even the bricks were empty.

No one else had joint custody like we did; every two weeks, I moved. Every two weeks, the household I'd try to navigate felt off and wrong... And two weeks wasn't long enough to adjust.

...

Nowadays, my father keeps trying to tell me how to live the life without the explicit knowledge of how to get there, he told me some example 17 years ago and has assumed I know exactly what I've been doing, since. 

No one could ever tell me why I always felt so out of place, and to avoid conflict, I'd just disappear? How does one have and then resolve conflict? I just don't want there to be constant yelling.... 

Are we ever supposed to submit? I never saw my dad's protective side. I figured he constantly yeild to appease My step mother. 

My mother was constantly yelling to get what she wanted, which was never going to be my avenue. I wasn't given the vocabulary from them to protect my integrity, respectfully. I was just supposed to keep sacrificing myself over and over again, for the person you dedicated your life to just a year or so prior? Who dedicates their life to you? Or do you make it up as you go along? Where do I want to go with someone is up to me, and only me. But like, what do others do, who had the slow recollection that they had been with the wrong person this entire time?

I had invested so much time and energy into knowing and studying 🦗🦗🦗, but he needed time away from me. He needed his own space. He needed his own room... He kept wanting to play games, but he never wanted me to hang out with him like I used to, like I had once loved. That began to not be enough for him. I was supposed to beg him for attention. I was supposed to chase him? I was so exhausted carrying his emotions, now he wanted me to chase him? Idt he ever bothered chasing me...

He had never sacrificed his own life and time, for another... Not just for "your loved one," but he had never been not a dick. Not an Embarrassment. The way he talked to his coworkers/ authority. The way he spoke to another woman really bothered me (Nicole).

Crickets had the dirtiest of mouths and it was never cute. We initially drank a lot, so when we both tasted of whisky, it didn't matter. He had a sink decoration of a red solo cup and a travel size Colgate, and a matching, maybe twice-used, soft bristle toothbrush, for four years. It was never endearing. It was whining for his mommy to correct him or demand a better behavior ("just lmk when my breath stinks;" all the time, man.... All the time). Because he stank, I stayed away ... There's a lot you overlook when you're infatuated.... 

Because that will solicit better friends and a better network. ...but he never thought like a business man. He thought like ....like a stupid little boy; a college student unhappy with the devastation of losing a graduation status. 

Why on earth would he be friends with people who constantly complained about the other? Doesn't really make me want to befriend them, honestly. Why on earth would I want to hang around all day? You don't do anything worth my time, anymore. Talking to me, getting to know me. He would learn something about me, and then it was memorized. I was never allowed to reanalyze... Or change my answer. I was to remain preserved on the shelf, ready for him to play with at a moment's notice.

I really love sharing my work with my loved ones. But he couldn't care less. 

...

I had thought that if I showed up for all his wants and needs that he'd respond in kind, eventually. That he'd mirror my efforts of emotional support and be able to magically meet me where I needed another human being to be. 

Crickets made that Last Time I could see my grandfather and spend time with him alive... And coherent... about him 🦗

Dad made the plans and thus dictate the specific sleeping arrangements... I saw his standpoint... But it was no where near the drama Crickets made it out to be. And also, was that the time and place? I needed to go see family, and instead of being able to be there for me, he made an inconvenience a hill to die on. I gave up seeing my grandfather for The Last Time, and for what, for him?? Him?! .... he's a piece of shit. His time was only his. My time was meaningless. 

I gave up what quite possibly was The Last (and Only) Time I could ever be a mother, for the betterment of my child. I definitely believe Crickets is a weak fool, despite his brilliance in other departments. None of which were pleasuring a partner as an individual, not who you think will fix you... 

But I wish my partner would have endured some super awkward family shit and help me like I did of him. ...his relatives passed away, and I was there. I figured he'd approach when ready... But idk if he ever confided in me, his big feelings he could never trust me with his heart, let alone his woes. 

He had wrapped me in bubble wrap before knowing my skin lay thrice his thickness. His walls were so fragile, I never wanted to have him scream down my throat (I'll give you tenfold, he used to say, so I never started a grievance), so I'd avoid avoid avoid whatever the issue was bc he was never able to convey maturity and thus growth. And thus, calmness.

The partner I had almost settled for was NEVER going to magically let me know in the way that would make me feel seen, and heard, and loved, any gratitude for existing in his life for the last good bit of a decade. The blip of time in which he almost had me fooled. 

True integrity comes from humility. Until you are actually sorry to me in the ways that matter for the sake of your good character, you should be aware that you are not as smart as your partner... Period. Doesn't matter who can count faster or someone who can read quicker.... Your partner is smarter than you. They will show you how to be a good person... 

But living with Crickets stripped me down to bare bones. I had zero belief in myself because he had more doubts, than faith in me... I felt that to my core every day and so, I started to believe it myself.... I forgot how to defend myself because it was easier not to rock the boat than it was his temper... and I would be there, his live-in sponge, a dirty rag to soak up his trauma instead of him learning to cope better and regulate himself. 

I wish he'd remember moments I made more special, with a play on words or a quick smart ass joke... I don't recall much of his praise, it never really came, without the notion of more. I was never told thank you or you look beautiful, especially out in public or out in front of his friends. He could never praise me in public, and mean it; be calm about it. He never made me feel special in a crowd.

He'd say shit like "she's the brains of the operation." But then I could never lead or suggest game plans... Or suggest an avenue of change and it happen. Like, there was zero follow through... "I'm taking classes" doesn't mean ANYTHING after 7 long years of a free course called WAISTING MY GODDAMN TIME 101... like, did he take me for a fool? He wasn't actually ready for what I wanted, and instead of mustering the strength to be honest with me, even if it was difficult. He could've saved everyone the trouble by stating out loud that he never had any intention of asking me to marry him, to be with him as he is now, because he never felt like he was enough for me. And, maybe he was right. He wasn't enough for me. 

He wants to retreat to wallflowership but I was never going to thrive. I am not simple algae. I am refracted light. 

Crickets never had the strength to harness me. Or would ever have the opportunity, again. Aren't you better without me? Wasn't that the point of never talking again? I cannot care about you again as I once did; that person doesn't exist anymore. You don't get access to her, anymore. 

Now, I know I'm a good person, but I'm unsure if I'd ever be able to support another person, or if I'm ever able to learn those lessons to support myself? It's like I'm a blank slate, the recovery from co depency... How do? How do I do anything? How do I seek help without sounding like I just want favors but like, I like hanging out. How do I ask for help with fiscal confidence? I don't want your money, I want discipline.

My sister was told that if she got married and had kids, that her life will just BE better... But like, I've seen their life first hand, and I don't want to marry a stranger. I want to marry my best friend. Always have.

I want experience, sure. I want consistent structure, yes. But, wouldn't that be just work? When can I let go of control and just be myself? Accepted? Loved? So far, just with friends.

I need to get back to what makes me feel loved, and stay connected to those who help me feel it. 

Snow.