So far, so good

Sometimes I try to fathom what the world would be like if I had kept my kid for myself; where would I be? Who would I be? 

Absolutely no friend I know now, in person, I knew before I was assaulted. I had really thought about if I had kept Them, what would've been Their burden to carry? What I wanted was to only give Them the good things, but They would eventually learn the bad... What I wanted for Them was a better life I couldn't give... And I hope that's what They've gotten. 

...

The end of the last season of Doctor Who... I hated it. I think the Doctor and Ruby entered another reality where her mom DID exist. The feeling wasn't right, either (that poor barista). I'd have fallen to my knees if I met my kid at any age. I'd have died a thousand times. Especially being in the same city? How could one not inquire, the moment they turn 18...? 

Some birthmom stay stuck. Did I? How could someone move on like that? Without knowing? How were the years ticking away for that fictional birthmom, and her not realizing that that could happen at any moment? That fear. 

It's an odd fear. Like, surprise love! Lol. Followed by complete devastation. What joy /s. I think I would need my therapist in the same room if I could arrange to meet my kid.

I know my kid has been out of the country and They can go wherever They want... But I feel like I gave Them St. Louis. I gave my kid a city... But man, I miss it. I've been homesick for awhile now... 

...

I remember the moment I found out I was withchild. I remember the moment I felt Them flutter within me. I remember the first moment I heard Their heartbeat. I remember a lot.... I remember the birth and moment I almost died. I remember my mom was there the entire time... I remember telling my 20hour-old about the people I knew around the world and that They were already loved by so many... 

At 22 years old, I was in no position to raise a kid. I could barely raise myself... 

At the time of finding out I was pregnant, I didn't have a driver's license, a car, a secondary education, or a savings, even. I was an ok person, but I had an inkling you had to have many-a-spoons to have a kid. 

I didn't know I was autistic back then, but I knew I had thought a lot about my childhood. I knew the person I was living with would most likely damage my kid in the same way... I knew I would be stuck in STL forever if I had kept Them... I knew I'd resent a piece of the story... I knew I'd only see the negative spaces of Their face and wonder who they may be? 

I wonder what kind of woman would I have to become to deal with such a thought process... Such a reality. I honestly probably would've attempted to k*ll my mother... Just to escape her. I knew that wasn't a healthy thought to hang onto and our relationship has become so much better since we put at least 3 states in between us. There are times in which I wish she lived closer, but those are usually not the moments I need her... I usually want some comforting person to say it's going to be ok. She's mellowed out over the years of her own loneliness. 

When I was done with Crickets, I had to become a different person. Yeah, talked shit about him online... I had to. I had no one to commiserate with. I mean, I had my online friends like L & S, but .... It wasn't the same. I had treated Crickets like a best friend because I have always wanted to marry my best friend; I lost a partner, lover, and best friend... I remember telling him that in the beginning of our journey that I wanted to marry my best friend. And then he...he didn't ask, to live with me. He stated "I think we should live together" ....lol. wow. Clarity. I told him to not make me wait... Ambiguity!

....

Anyway, that guy never understood true sacrifice. I would choose almost dying all over again for the sake of my child. I would choose to get graped all over again, because I hope to the powers that be that my kid is alive and happy, I don't wish anything different. Ever. 

I can't ever dwell on what things might have been.... Because I can't even begin to fathom that world... The people I still know today were the result of having made the choices I have made, since. ... 

And I'm not sure if I would've come out of it unscathed... But certainly not alive... I wanted to unalive myself back in 2019? 18? I had felt like I couldn't do anything right. That I was a burden to this family. A shame. A weight for everyone else to bear. I had felt like I was never going to be good enough for my dad or mom. Always Sister or Brother... Or G, step mother.

It was never my time to shine. I kept trying to attend church and speak with them... But church people tend to be so small and not interesting enough to keep my attention... And not deep enough to quench a thirst for knowledge. Church people tend to be boring, and def ok with keeping things as is. To keep things even... They also super believe Jesus was magic and real... And I just... I cannot believe it. And when I can believe it, I'm usually believing in his humanity; the good in others.

What I believe is that most people are good... Most people like to help others... Look out for those who can't help themselves. Compassion. 

The best examples of Christianity I have witnessed were of those who don't participate in the faith... People I hold a flame to, to uphold their faith annnnd be a good person still, are very few. And where a church is, is all relative. Where one finds grace and energy in unity... 

I feel that way towards the supporter section at live soccer games. Crickets plays an instrument... Read Spiked, that story still gets me... 

But anyway.... Dwelling on what things might have been in another reality is a slippery slope to staying stuck. If you don't want to feel stuck, reflect and change to better yourself. 

What helped for me, is searching for a silver lining and giving out compliments and being thankful. My memory hasn't improved, but people know me and I like being content. People like me as is ...even if I forget things sometimes. I'm glad my friends understand I can't keep it all in my head sometimes. 

I love that I've rekindled a sense of play. Crickets stomped out that part of me or rather, I lopped off pieces of myself to appease the shape of his heart. He was never satisfied. 

I've talked shit about him online and I'm sure I'm a bitch or an asshole to him as much as he is/was to me. There are times in which I miss him. ... What we used to be. But if I see him again, and even if I manage a friendship with him, what would be the basis? Whatever he says... I think he always tried to control every situation and anticipate scenarios, but he never trusted me to give a better way... And whenever I did provide a better way, there was little gratitude. 

I am super thankful for friends and family I have in my life now. They keep me anchored to this reality... A reality where someday, I'll get to, maybe, meet Them. A reality where I am loved and seen. A reality where I can take care of myself and defy the haters, as they say, and succeed! 

A massage therapist psychologist, specializing in somatic massage, and who writes on the side. ....maybe?

Snow.