Silver & Gold

There are people in my life now, who want to see me happy. Not to say they weren't there before, but these new friends are happily doing things that I really like to do, too; I feel seen, and it's been... probably since STL, I've felt like this with other awesome people. There are people who had fun with me, out in public, and out to lunch... It was very cool. They enjoyed me, and I them. I am a story for them to tell. Like our traveling shirt! Looks good on all of us! We are going to share a shirt. Lol

A social meet up was fruitful in purchases but also fruitful in friend adventures. Possibly getting into an aerial pursuit. Lord knows I got some flexibility I could put to good use.  

It's mastering the art of talking socially and bragging about one's life. Still unsure how to gossip well. What are the lines, what are the rules? 

I have been the subject of some gossip in the past and I will never remember to understand why I still carry an inquiry. I wonder if they (the bully) still thinks about it sometimes. 

As friends, aren't we supposed to build each other up? So I operate from there. 

...

I wonder if your emotional self is the time traveler in your life? Like I could jump back to 2003 Snow easily, but it would be difficult because I don't have those same daily problems; harder to connect... hard to empathize with my younger self; I don't relive those days often. But then it's more difficult to understand before 2001 because my understanding of the world had changed... 

I do think my brain is wired, or stunted, to understand the world through hs hierarchy. Because sometimes, people feel like upperclassmen or teachers... Even though I'm two decades removed. Maybe that was the last time I had felt ok or in control? Unsure. 

I like to surround myself with people who remind me of others who have liked me or have felt safe around, before, so far so good. Friends, is what most people would say... these new and old connections feel nostalgic. They feel like people I knew in HS. Not sure if it's the universe or my brain is reverting...

But when I describe my Friends, you're going to have to be really specific. There's online people that I once knew in person, and then there's online friends that I've never met in person. And then there's work friends. And then extended friends from cons and other groups... 

I looked up living in Australia or Canada so many times. I would absolutely FCKING love it outside the US. Am I coward for wanting an out before this country folds in on itself with the dick cheese of old white men? 

At least I think I could make the locals laugh. Comedy begets wit. If you're smart enough to make me laugh at the insanity of the world, then you are who I'd call a friend. Ask me about, "Do you like milk?"

Assholes with a heart of gold? Do you want to see humans taking care of their lives, great! Live their best life? What if I'm just realizing what I want to be, but I feel like it may be too late to finally do what I want to do with my life? How do I make connections? How do I network?

I want to be able to care for myself better, and I want to experience the world. I want to be content and secure. I want to hang out with people who like me and pause their talking for my tangent, respectfully. People who aren't constantly on their phones looking up every two seconds from a screen to agree blindly to whatever I was saying... or someone who actually confides in me, like friends do. Like... Is, is this what respect feels like? Have I been deprived of gal pals for so long, or an actual functional, healthy friendship? Would I have flirted with the waiter if I was just me, probably not. I blame the alcohol.... I was delirious from shopping! Lol. 

Hanging out with other people who are also comfortable, is wonderful. Other safe ass, true, real, authentic, and blunt... people. I have been invited and included in trip plans around the world and some newer old friend person will be there, too! Safe people, I forgot what that could look like for me; healthy safe people who care about me as much as I care for them. I thought I was stuck with Crickets for the rest of my life, I thought I'd have to be part of his world and staunchly leave mine behind. It was wrong of me to latch onto his world so tightly... I didn't want to make friends with such alcoholics. Or friends with his very close knit college friends who gossip about one another; gross. You can really tell who is a friend and who isn't by how they speak of you when you're not in the room. I never wanted to be friends with people like that. I also didn't want to double-date because Crickets never socialized well with new people. He had no idea how to be truly charming (or riz, as the kids say today), especially with his dirty ass mouth. No one really wanted to be around him.

I never knew that I deserved better until I could compare to better. I was stuck for so long on the promise of a forever... "Don't make me wait" and THAT Motherfucker made me wait 4 years.... four. .... To basically say 'no thanks I prefer my loneliness and drug addict friends than being with you and moving into the city"... "I know what's over there." Lololololol... And then I told a co worker what he had said and she's from that area. Her face was so funny. "Over where? What?" Lololol. Whatta putz. Yeah, don't walk at night or...day... 

But now I'm living life as I can deal with it. Spend my spoons on those that I care about, through texts or face time, or physical hang outs... 

I haven't had my own network of queer, ND-sensitive/understanding people to navigate in awhile. I also don't know the proper etiquette, so I value their patience and grace until the hang of these new friends.

Being too blunt sometimes kills the mood? But, personally, I do love direct consent questions. I am in control. I feel safe to say no. It is quite wonderful to feel safe around your friends being yourself still. I love the feeling, but I have a fear of it ending too soon now. It feels good, and somehow undeserving. What is all that to unpack? I don't deserve a nice time out once in a while with someone who cares for me as I do of them? I am unsure how to proceed further, for others. What to ask and how to say what I want. Not sure if many are skilled at speaking so bluntly. 

I was in the mood to write, but possibly not to think. 

Snow.