Gratitudes

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Thank you for screwing up. Thank you for cheating and blurring the boundaries of friendship and more. Thank you for fucking me over just enough to realize we were both toxic for one another. Thank you for never saying thank you, and getting mad or annoyed that I'd ask for recognition and ask for reassurance. …thank you for breaking up us so I could finally see what was wrong.

Thank you for messing me up just enough… thank you for holding my heart in a vice instead of gently, like that of a trusted Ood. Thank you for showing me what true confidence is and how to handle yourself in times of sticking up for your friends… thank you for showing me how to not…

Thank you for showing me what's correct in discussing coworkers and woes and goals… thank you for showing me what parts of a story I can tell, and what parts I should hold back. You’d think my good story telling and timing and ways of talking about one self would be mirrored, or at least respected enough to be recognized. My efforts of building myself up and encouraging others in proximity to be their best selves… you’d think it wouldve rubbed off… but it did not. Your attitude remained the same…

You’d treat me like a child and so I’d respond as if I was…. I lacked strength in that relationship because I let him walk all over me. I had no control and he really liked to remind me… I let him waltz into my life and degrade me and omit truths and reign in the responsiblitiy of vulnerability. …

Whereas I gave it to Crickets freely, and without him earning anything. I thought he’d be as open as I was being. But I think he just wanted to protect himself from hurting me. Crickets would often make me cry so much with his absence and time away… he never had the courage to speak up to me, to have the right words of inquiry and NOT hurt my feelings. I was never ready to be upset with him because he'd always say he'd give me it right back, that he'd fight me at the drop of a hat. I was always afraid of upsetting him. 

I think he treated me like a daughter, instead of a partner, an equal. I wonder if I inadvertingly treated Crickets like a superior, like a parent… I wonder if he thought of me as child and thought to himself that he didn’t need me anymore. That I was never needed.

Thank you for FINALLY letting me go. Thank you for releasing me from your grip so I could finally find a place where I can grow better. Where I can ebb and flow freely without so much as an obstruction or an inconvience. 

I never knew how much I could actually do and say and be until I was out from under his thumb. He was my whole world… and it wasn’t until I left, that I realized that I SHOULD BE MY OWN  whole world... until I become a parent. …if I do become a parent, someday.

Thank you for sharing with me some songs and bands that you love. Thank you for sharing with me your interests to see what made you, you… thank you for never taking an interest in watching anything with me and denying us building inside jokes... and getting in your own head of what I wanted in order to feel loved, instead of clarifying. It seems so simple to most people, to ask for love and thus receive. But he always wanted me to let him know when I wanted to feel loved? I'd ask for reassurance and he'd make me feel like the biggest burden with "again?" ...

I would ask Crickets to purchase me something simple like... socks. And he never followed through. I'd ask and remind. And he just never did. I never understood why he never did. He'd never say to me, "buy them yourself"... But it sure felt that way. I stopped having access to Amazon (and he knew this), and honestly, that's a good thing. When I'm manic, I tend to over spend... So he had Amazon. I'd ask him for things... Sometimes they were bought. :/

Watching TV is the most basic of a hobby and yet, he could never get outside of himself and expand his comfort zone to accommodate the person he "loved." I constantly expanded myself... I didn't really care what we watched... But if he had, he'd have learned more about me. He'd have learned what I liked and what I loved and what turned me on ... 

It is the easiest for me, to watch movies that I adore, with people and loved ones that I adore. I love watching movies and shows over and over because it does bring me comfort, but I get to talk about it; discuss theories. I get to admire and take it in all over again. I also get to experience my friends' reactions to xyz, and we honestly learn more about each other... I get to quote quotes before they're said and show off. I get to notice subtle topics that may not have aged well… lol… I can enjoy a film over and over and over again… like putting on a song or requesting one on the radio… I get to enjoy characters and storylines with my friends and people who are more now… I get to form new memories and build on older concepts with those who want to hear my thoughts…those who want to discuss. I know famous lines, but I also know uncommon ones. I also like to recognize the sets... The set in X movie is the same set in Z show.... This material has built me more than the “lessons” my father thinks I learned through out my childhood.

...

Childhood: 

It’s really difficult trying to recall when was where, and vice versa, because every two weeks my world got turned upside down. It was incredibly unnerving and complicated. One of the most consistent things was watching TV shows that came on every week, it was something to look forward to... Something to count on. Dependable. 

The two-week situation was exhausting but also excruciating… I was away from one of my most favorite people (Brother) in the world while also being pulled back and forth between houses with Sister (she hated it too, and probably felt trapped). 

Every fourteen days my world changed, and the adults around me got used to acting like it wasn’t the most tedious thing in the world, like they could conveniently forget. Did my parents even look forward to seeing us? To getting us back? At what point did we become burdens for G to push for keeping me at one location instead ("it would be easier for everyone" to keep me at camp mom, as [G] wanted to finally be free of the two weeks scenario, just for me)? At what point were we too much?

I don't recall a goodbye party or a "this is the last time you're going to see Brother in a long time" moment. There are no pictures.

...

I often wonder about the person I will marry. I know in this day and age, marriage is so last century and there's really no incentive to get married as an elder millenial. But isn’t life better if we find another kind person to spend it with? I get not having a big to do or a shabby shindig… I get not wanting to do it AGAIN… on the off chance that it fails… but what if it doesn’t? What if I found someone who was dedicated to me as I was to him? I have a lot of trust issues, in that this person feels good. But I am unsure if that's endorphins talking or he's actually this good. Like I almost don't trust the kindness. Like, when is he or I, going to turn into a raging asshole and try to control the other? When is it going to fail?

But...what if he continously wanted me as I pined for him? Is that love? Is it just enjoyment? Idt I know because I don't trust my own heart. 

...

I don’t often recall what Crickets and I were like in the beginning because we were happy, sure… but we were also a lot kinder to one another. We were love bombing the crap out of each other and staying in the idea that we were going to get to where we wanted to go………………separatly…………………….. but he just never locked anything down. He was always so uneven with attention spans… it’s me, too… but my interests barely overlapped with his. He was always on a screen; my thoughts were never interesting as the screen in front of him. He almost never asked or begged to for my attention, so I was mirroring his lack of interest, weird how that upset him. 

He loved watching whatever HE WANTED to watch. He’d allow me to control what we’d watch on Mondays because that’s when he was prepared to watch… but never discuss. I wasn’t allowed to ask him questions or pick his brain or discuss what we had just watched. 

He would get really mad when I did. …………….but when I was trying to understand him, I asked so many questions about whatever HE was into… I just thought that one day, he’d get wise to what and who I am, and WANT ME THERE… that intimacy for me, was watching something with me. For him, maybe he thought physical intimacy was the only type of intimacy there was. Sex is great and all, but foreplay is making your partner feel seen and appreciated. I don't think everyone got that memo. 

That wasn’t a topic I had approached…. The fact that my partner that I had once thought of as a best friend, actually didn’t like me and wanted me gone from his life already… that he was done getting to know me. He figured he knew enough and continued to make fun and vent to his coworkers about me? Not sure if he did, but he certainly stopped talking to me. His coworkers were softer towards me, which makes me think he did. He stopped sharing himself with me… I wonder if he misses me? It’s all a lie, by the way. Whoever he loved isn’t really here anymore. I am not weak… and as I am pining for another atm, I am not holding my life up for him. ….nor do I think he’d want me to do that. Lol. He wants the best for me, no matter what it is.

That’s a sort of kindness I never got from Crickets. He never understood who I was and why I was there with him… he never understood where I wanted to grow with him...like he lived every day in agonizing pain that he was never the man I had thought he was...and he was right. I never thought I'd try to settle with someone so selfish… 

I had asked him for attention when I needed it… oh I'm sorry, begged. Whenever I wanted his attention, I was to beg for it explicity… I had to constantly remind him that I was there and interested in what he was doing/saying… but he never really did that for me.

He never thought of himself much, and never saw the great potential I had seen in his soul. ….I think he has it within himself to become a better person… but I am unsure how to proceed with this knowledge. I am unsure I’ll ever get to know him again, ever.

Sometimes I see that troupe (graphic T-shirt, billed hat, cargo pants, beard, sneakers), walking around, thinking they're unique… they are not. I don’t think he could ever be there for himself like I was there for myself; good encouragement and follow through. He could never follow through with anything….

…I recall begging him to go to a specific store once, and we eventually drove by it, once… but then we never went inside or even got out of the car. It was a carrot… to him, to Crickets, the store was the treat I was suppose strive for, to complete the XYZ list he kept in his own head, but then there was never follow through with any of the other romance… looking back now, that boy had NO stamina or discipline to be with someone like me. 

I am so much bigger than most when it comes to keeping the big picture in check, sure. But to be excellent at the smaller stuff is a skill that most don’t have, yet. I wonder if he’ll ever learn to be kinder... I wonder if he'll forever think of me as a bitch, but it also makes me wonder about what his ex would have to say… I wish I could talk to her and compare notes… I don’t recall the whole story, but from what I can recall of him, he likes to make himself look like the goodest guy ever in the story of how they broke up. ….I really want to get her side of things, but I cannot recall her name. I'm sure Crickets remembers.

Besides, he’s the gatekeeper of information flow. He needs to keep in check to never tell me anything, because he doesn’t want to upset me. …he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, as he himself wrapped my reaction in bubble wrap ...so he omits his own feelings and we just continued to live like that for a year …or four.

Omitting truth is the same as a lie, because it’s not the full turth.

I'm glad he made me wait. I'm so glad we never got married.

…

...

...

…I have Covid for the fourth time… I am vaxxed to the max and still I got it. I will probably test myself after I have a good night’s sleep. But maybe I have been exhausted just a little too much, lately…

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I worked on Chef the other day because she hurt her back… I really miss bodywork. Helping people understand their bodies and recconnect with them is a life goal. I want to become a massage therapist that specializes in Somatic massage… I'd like my target audience to be waitstaff/chefs, service industry people, bartenders, HIV+ people, and queer folk. I want to go back to school for psychology and specialize in Autism. ……..

...

This newish partner wants to see me? And make me happy? He bought me socks. …socks. ….I simply requested a purchase of socks, and he was eager to provide.

Socks. ……………………………………..he knew what he was doing. He was following through with kindness.

Thank you.

Snow.