Forgettable

Anxiety leads to catastrophizing, which is blowing plausible scenarios out of proportions; out of context. Especially before knowing what is actually going on, or what actually ended up happening. 

...I didnt press some important buttons Saturday night, and now the machine might be broken, again. One Chef gave me verbal instructions on how to turn it off, but not off-off. Showed me a few times of the buttons that needed pushing and then I left.... I remembered for maybe a minute... 

I forgot everything. I clocked out of work and enjoyed my 2 staycation days with a partner and it was wonderful. 

I like to check up on my work app the night before I go back in, see what I missed, and I found out just now about how I forgot. Not sure how bad it is. Not sure if I'll get chewed out. Not sure if I'll ever be in charge of those buttons, again. 

I once flooded the kitchen, so, hopefully this isn't as bad. 

...

Sometimes, I'm incredibly worried at the other things I've forgotten. Sometimes, I worry that I'll forget people or places or of happy memories... I worry that I won't be able to keep up with the changes in life that seems to be on-going. Technology is cool and great, but there's so much out there... All the buttons you have to keep track of... All the information a regular adult can just utilize or use at the drop of a hat... I have to make lists or write down, lest I forget, again.

Everything stacks up, piling higher and higher. Actively putting my issues and troubles on the proverbial back burner, temporarily forgetting my problems to keep my sanity intact... Maybe I'm just as insane as the rest of the world? 

Aren't we all mad here? 

As a kid, I feel like I was never taught the lessons of stability that most seem to have... There's no code to fill in for this situation of a career-related fear. I was never given this lesson, I'm a girl. What do I need a career for?

I didn't have the happy family values or the vanilla experience that everyone else seems to assume is "normal." .... I don't know any normal person, really. I certainly didn't have a healthy home life, at either house. 

Currently, I have no idea how to restructure my life into a working, balanced way to live. I have no idea how to be so independent... 

I used to be more independent, with a car and getting myself around town.... And going to work. And church. I still felt young enough to be on that path. Now that I'm older, I can't help but compare my life to where I wanted it to be already... Is being married a fetish or is it a remnant of that parental hope for a life befitting of someone like me? 

I wasn't trained to be a independent boss of her own life; I was raised to be someone's wife and mother... To most in my family, there is no other role I can take. I wish I could be as independent as I used to be... But idk how to get back to being that woman... I cannot revert emotionally.... But I feel like a big part of myself is missing. 

I know if I was still friends with Crickets, he could maybe tell me... But I only miss the person I thought he was. The calibur of human I thought he was.... someone who was healthy. He's a good friend on paper... Idk if we should've dated. He gave me confidence... But he never knew how to encourage me or build up on my strengths... He had to control everything, but could never admit or ask for help. Especially from me, he never trusted me with his big feelings, why would he?

...

Chef relied on me and I failed. I forgot. I should've written down the instructions. I should've had it done. I should've ... not forgotten. 

Snow.