The St. Louis Snow

🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗 Thank you for screwing up. Thank you for cheating and blurring the boundaries of friendship and more. Thank you for fucking me over just enough to realize we were both toxic for one another. Thank you for never saying thank you, and getting mad or annoyed that I'd ask for recognition and ask for reassurance. …thank you for breaking up us so I could finally see what was wrong. Thank you for messing me up just enough… thank you for holding my heart in a vice instead of gently, like that of a trusted Ood. Thank you for showing me what true confidence is and how to handle yourself in times of sticking up for your friends… thank you for showing me how to not… Thank you for showing me what's correct in discussing coworkers and woes and goals… thank you for showing me what parts of a story I can tell, and what parts I should hold back. You’d think my good story telling and timing and ways of talking about one self would be mirrored, or at least respected enough to b...

Anxiety leads to catastrophizing, which is blowing plausible scenarios out of proportions; out of context. Especially before knowing what is actually going on, or what actually ended up happening.  ...I didnt press some important buttons Saturday night, and now the machine might be broken, again. One Chef gave me verbal instructions on how to turn it off, but not off-off. Showed me a few times of the buttons that needed pushing and then I left.... I remembered for maybe a minute...  I forgot everything. I clocked out of work and enjoyed my 2 staycation days with a partner and it was wonderful.  I like to check up on my work app the night before I go back in, see what I missed, and I found out just now about how I forgot. Not sure how bad it is. Not sure if I'll get chewed out. Not sure if I'll ever be in charge of those buttons, again.  I once flooded the kitchen, so, hopefully this isn't as bad.  ... Sometimes, I'm incredibly worried at the other things I've fo...

Sometimes I try to fathom what the world would be like if I had kept my kid for myself; where would I be? Who would I be?  Absolutely no friend I know now, in person, I knew before I was assaulted. I had really thought about if I had kept Them, what would've been Their burden to carry? What I wanted was to only give Them the good things, but They would eventually learn the bad... What I wanted for Them was a better life I couldn't give... And I hope that's what They've gotten.  ... The end of the last season of Doctor Who... I hated it. I think the Doctor and Ruby entered another reality where her mom DID exist. The feeling wasn't right, either (that poor barista). I'd have fallen to my knees if I met my kid at any age. I'd have died a thousand times. Especially being in the same city? How could one not inquire, the moment they turn 18...?  Some birthmom stay stuck. Did I? How could someone move on like that? Without knowing? How were the years ticking away ...

There are people in my life now, who want to see me happy. Not to say they weren't there before, but these new friends are happily doing things that I really like to do, too; I feel seen, and it's been... probably since STL, I've felt like this with other awesome people. There are people who had fun with me, out in public, and out to lunch... It was very cool. They enjoyed me, and I them. I am a story for them to tell. Like our traveling shirt! Looks good on all of us! We are going to share a shirt. Lol A social meet up was fruitful in purchases but also fruitful in friend adventures. Possibly getting into an aerial pursuit. Lord knows I got some flexibility I could put to good use.   It's mastering the art of talking socially and bragging about one's life. Still unsure how to gossip well. What are the lines, what are the rules?  I have been the subject of some gossip in the past and I will never remember to understand why I still carry an inquiry. I wonder if they ...

From me, to someone I would bestow upon the blessing "my love," this one's for you... Anyone I have ever loved, yes. But especially to those who I had to learn how to love. You all gave me my first examples of how to be a human. Parents, siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, older and younger.  Everyone in my family initially taught me how to love myself because my loved ones loved me. I understand what love is, it's my anchor to this earth. I don't think a lot of people really actually love themselves, or even can stand themselves, let alone trust. What is it besides faith? You have to feel safe with another human being. And so, I try to seek out safe, first. And then go from there...  During Quarantine, I was alone with my own thoughts, a lot. I didn't just want aimless writings... I wanted to travel back into my memories and try to relive and analyze what may have happened instead of whatever building block my parents thought they were creating with me, bu...