Smoke (poem)

I wish I was told sooner about the vile of men
About how when I started growing hips as a youngin'
That the Olds would be commenting consistently on them
I wish I was told what was appropriate and what wasn't 
From the men who knew better, messing with my innocence for pleasure

I was told I was beautiful, but I was never told I was smart or brilliant 
Never encouraged to keep going, for my own betterment 
I was always someone else or something else's purpose
Where were the explanations?
Without knowing why, the world around me seemed heartless 

I wish I wasn't told there'd be a line out the door for my hand
Hand in what? Marriage? At sweet sixteen?!
I wish I didn't spend so many years looking for The One to fix me
I wish the world had made sense, sooner
I wish I was told the dangers life might have in store
Whether I'd still bare the same scars I flash freely
Showing off the marks of pain and inner wails of screaming

Unkind to the demons in the beginning
Therapy invites them over for tea
They are the fire burning within my bones, like ember lying in wait 
To set bridges alight
Turns out they're actually the armor gleaming
Shining through the outer skin
Rough and scaley, hard to penetrate if I'm always protecting 

I mistook fear for caring
I mistook anger for passion
It was the demand of respect 
Without reciprocity 
Seven years of a one way street
Again, why am always the one chasing?
Why am I never worth the wait? 

Am I the water with oil?

Not having to make more spoons
That I can trust another to take the reins
Tell me what to do
Administer the wail of hurt and control 
Please, for Goddess of sakes

I'm a dragon, not a fool
The charm I wield can leave most reeling

Self-forgiveness is the key to change
If I watch lips I'm listening to you talk
Blunt confidence is walking the walk
I study faces, inflections, and track your words with your actions 

My catalogue is filled with red flags of warning
Next time, will I see them before another shorning?
What will I do for flags of green?
Will I even appreciate being seen?

I wish I could scream into the void
I love me, why can't They see?

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