Outcasts

Being the new person somewhere exciting is always quite interesting... The verge of fucking it up is a constant worry to some, to others, they're alight. 

A good friend of mine is leaving Atlanta to go off and make new adventures in another big city, New York. It's not her first rodeo, either. 

I see a lot of myself in her, but she has the grades and what sounds like strong family support... I'm pretty sure she'll do fine in this next venture in her next chapter of life. 

If I had her confidence when I was her age, idk where I'd have ended up. But as far as my life goes, I wouldn't change anything... Atlanta was incredibly different in 2007. It was being placed on everyone's maps as a destination because of OutKast. I didn't know the significance of Andre 3000 when I met him, either. 

Learning more about the group and their history in the music scene definitely propped up my ears and heart as far as a relative connection goes. I am not a Southerner like my blog is named. I am a Midwesterner who fell in love with the South.... But I do have a speech impediment and learning differences that made me a literal outcast... And I have a different way of looking at the world, especially since my diagnosis of Autism. I am not what is wrong with the world... My way of being isn't a hinderance to its functions. 

If you have a problem with autism, that is your issue. I have a right to exist in a way that I want to live. I am not wrong for existing or living the way I want... Since my diagnosis, life has made more sense. I've gained confidence from wearing whatever I wanted. I've gained a confidence in talking the way that I do bc I know those I'm around will try to understand or enjoy what I'm saying. 

Working at the only chocolate factory in Atlanta... Working at a safe, accepting place of employment has done WONDERS for my confidence, let alone my self-acceptance... I just wish I was paid more. Lol ... Not a lot of people can say they love their job. And that's not a knock to the owners... It's just, it's a small business. We've won awards for giving back in significant ways to Atlanta as a community, which is superb and boosts my career pride flag... But even with full benefits and a full set of other Perks.... Like an endless supply of chocolate... 

Bodywork is calling me back. A more lucrative career that I could help those running a small business.... With bodywork, the days would be quieter, but I'd be able to do more things I want to do, like Cons and fun trips... I could place more ducks in a row for returning to school and getting a BA in psychology or something... I could earn more and get more connected and plugged into the community that is LGBTQ+ here in Atlanta. I could finally know what it's like to stay in one place and really build my own foundation blocks. And obtain more healthy people as friends.

...

Part of growing up is learning what you're good at, and utilizing those skills to survive. Sometimes, we get lucky, finding support along the way, making family not just friends. Admitting loneliness and despair invites a spark in others to invite or include someone like me in their next venture. I fear the bar scene next door bc even if I waltz in with cool AF earrings, even if the generation in there is younger, why would I spend more time in bars? I am quite tired of the bar scene... At least the pub scene. 

All bars are basically the same, there's regulars, some more frequent than others... But once you understand the anatomy of such an establishment, all bars are the same .... Neighborhood dive bar, open until 3, 4 in the morning.... Why? Where else do the surrounding businesses' service staff go to eat, unwind, and spew about the karens and chads they had to wait on.... 

I'm opting for optimism as of late. Even if earth eventually burns us off as as a species, it's because we've burned Her, first. ... Even if we are to die tragically in some mass extinction in our lifespans... I'd rather still be working towards a better tomorrow, now. I'd rather hang out with more optimistic, positively-thinking, like-minded individuals. I'd rather grow emotionally close to my partners and have nice safe fun watching a movie or Doctor Who or another show that delights me or us... Sometimes, others get lucky finding someone to share in this crazy life with who is on the same trajectory of self awareness and growth. 

Crickets isn't the one that got away... But he might see me like that, later... Not sure. I thought maybe I'd miss him more than I do... Crickets and I ended on a good note? But all I keep reviewing is the manipulation and the hold on control and the repressed emotions that guy walked around with, distributing his own eggshells, thinking they were all mine. I had thought that if I poured out my unconditional love and support and belief in him to be better and do better that he'd magically awake one day full of hope and motivation to complete his "classes." .... 

Waiting too long to do something often becomes its undoing... 

He tried once, found out all the software was outdated by 5 years. Lol

But he never really worked on himself to be the person I thought he was... But I'm sure he had preconceived notions of me, too. He wanted me to constantly remind him to do things like a mom... He wanted mom energy from me, and I always refused to give him that energy without the payment of wooing or trying to learn to romance me. All he did was cook dinner. Not get me gifts I could keep.... And remember.

.... I've already ranted about that and I'm done. He's a schmuck, and that's that. 

I cannot be friends with him, bc he's already established me as a child and as immature in his head... He's made up his mind of who I am to him, and I'd rather never know him again than be stuck as weak in a relationship, even if it becomes platonic from a forced romance. He was never ready to get married to me. 

I just wanted a partner I could grow with. I wanted a best friend with all the perks... Apparently that was too much for Crickets. Even though I'd say we were best friends, he never corrected me...

During our last summer together, during a vacation trip celebrating his friends.... He gaslit me in front of his dudefriendcrush to save his own ass, and then had the audacity to say I wasn't his best friend. Why tf did I stay so long with you if we weren't best friends? 

The gaslight was ... When Crickets and I met, we described our respective friend groups as ya know, that person is the group's mom... That person is the favorite... So on. He described one of his friends as "an unruly teenager" ...I don't describe my friends like that, but it definitely fit that person from what I knew of them. During this vacation, I referenced what he had said in front of his friend, B (why else would he deny it but to not take blame in front of someone he held higher than me?) .... He acted like he had never said it. And I tried to stick up for myself, "well I don't say things like that about my friends" but they were already talking about something else. I felt so defeated and deflated. I know that phrase wasn't my own and he never had my back. He could never admit defeat. Especially in front of His Friends. 

I was never a friend of his, no matter my years of efforts trying. I gave my romance freely and he never filled my reservoir.... And now, 7years out of date, I haven't any idea how to date. I'm asking all the questions or I'm the one initiating all the activities.... I'm really tired of wearing the pants. If you know me, you should know that I love to wear skirts and dresses ... I really wish I could be lifted than carried in a relationship, bc there is definitely a difference. 

...

Ever since I was about 4, people have been begging me to talk. I didn't have a first word as much as a first phrase, "Father, my oatmeal is cold" ... And from there I'd get the snarky backhands of "we taught you to talk and you never shut up" .... 

If you don't want to hear me speak, then I guess you don't know me or respect me enough to know my many layers. At work, I'm professional, I wear what I'm supposed to and act with customer service skills ... But I can't seem to understand there's supposed to be a career/social balance. For someone with trouble with that, know that work and having a job might be the only routine they have in place... 

School used to be routine and then people flowed into the workforce seemingly... I didn't get that experience. I went to one year of university, failed miserably, and moved in with my dad, stepmom, and brother. I disrupted their perfect family life with existing... Their "family" portrait hanging up once you walked in with them 3, like Sister and I never existed. So many cans of worms.... We're just an add on feature when we do something cool... Or if we're at a family gathering... But that bold line is still there. That division is still visible to everyone. I don't understand why we're not supposed to point it out.

...

... Writing my speech for my grandfather's funeral really stirred up a lot of emotions... The things we leave unsaid, for one... Why don't we voice them while they're alive? Why don't we discuss and repair? I want to rock this boat I'm in for the better... I want to set ablaze the notion of some bs tribble of a good family I came from.... Lol. When actually, I straddled the line between two drastically different households, wasn't given any real life skills for survival beyond college bc it was assumed that I'd get married and the husband would take over taking care of me. Lol. 

But what if I find a wife instead? Which family members would still talk to me? What if I just become my own person, someone who doesn't need a partner? So far, no family member keeps in touch unless I reach out (except Dad)... And the one cousin that lives in town is too busy all the time for a chat or a call ... We don't really have anything in common, I guess. 

Coming out as gay to most of my cousins felt nice and their reaction was indifferent. Lol. They're all a bit younger than me... So why I get along with younger people so well would be that. But then I got an older cousin that's been like an older brother all my life. 

Sometimes, I wish I could live with family... But everyone has their own lives or they're nuts and I'd rather be alone and sane.... 

...

The South has something to say, and so do I. Not sure who wants to listen. But I'm quite tired of keeping quiet like it's 1842, high whyte society... This isn't Victorian era ... People are nicer and more accepting than ever before; WE ALL HAVE TRAUMA. And the best way to cure it is to discuss it. 

I grew up in half high middle class and half a single-mother household. I have an odd perspective on what not to do or how to really care about kids... I have many receipts, sometimes what I know overwhelms me ... But also, why does most significance underwhelm society? Such perceptions could unlock so much for so many... 

And thus, I write. 

I should write another short story soon. 

...

Snow.