Betrayal

I'm still really mad at you. I hope you're well, and getting the proper support to grow instead of feeling stuck all the time. Sorry you thought I was holding you back, man. I'm working thru a lot of anger, while also making new friends, actually feeling the love we had lost years ago. 

I was more Godsmacked you enjoyed her company, after only one date, one activity of theatrical wrestling... Kinda wish you had just fucked her. That one would've made sense. I mean, I used to think the sun shone out of your constipated ass. Like, worship and devotion type of patheticness; such attention you never rightly earned, was just given freely to you. I had made a vow in my head (without the mutual consent), but dedicated myself as if you had. I thought I knew you as you knew me. I thought if I stayed available to you, eventually you'd make time for me. .. And you couldn't get comfortable with me being just hanging out with you? You just could never relax around me. And I never knew why. 

Your song was always in my head like your brain could hear my thoughts. It was one of the first things we bonded over... Listening to Deftones. But maybe I was too much for you? I think you DO find me intimidating... you just could never submit to me, maybe you thought it weakness for a man to defer to his partner, instead of defining the moments in which we were living. You had to always be in control and never learned how to relinquish the reins. 

You constantly complained, and never celebrated anything with me. I never knew of anything else that was going on in your life, you stopped letting me know what you were looking forward to. I had no way to connect to you again, was I supposed to beg for attention?... It was just never seeing me, you dreaded coming home to me. You didn't want that night to end with her. I can't believe you stayed out all night with another person, smoking weed, playing darts, going to waffle House... I had thought you were out with your best guy friend, B... A guy I know and love and respect. You had the audacity of blaming me for your cheating... 

I wish you would've just fucked her. You told me you had wanted to. Left that bit out of the update to your friends whom you made time for in your busy life to see on a screen. That was the only time I heard you praise me for all the storage I had bought and made happen for our horrible place... You had never thanked me to my face, even though I'd clearly ask for more praise, "please tell me thank yous" but you never did. You could never tell me I'm pretty or beautiful in front of your friends. I kept asking and you never received.

You couldn't even respect me enough to break up with me the night you wanted out. Idk when that was, you never told me. You just started to shut me out. You never gave me the downlow and thought me ditsy or stupid or not worth informing because I should have already known, it should've been obvious to me, the autistic. Instead you embarrassed me over and over and over again... I had wanted to leave years ago. But you kept saying "I love yous" and we kept chatting, we kept dreaming of the day you committed to me the same way I had to you, already... Promising me outtings and dates, trips back home and to Savannah .... But we never made time. 

You made them happen, that celebrated your friends. Those trips to celebrate you and your friends and your Alma mater... But never me or for us... it was always them. You never asked for help. How did I know what you liked or wanted if you never told me outright? How was I supposed to do whatever you said, but you never had to submit to me like I did to you? I don't want to fight you all the fucking time. 

All I wanted was to be able to hang out with you quietly in the same room as you were gaming or on a chat... I wish I had gotten the office, by you submitting it to me without hesitation. That you wanted to see me happy and creative, and you wanted to support me instead of having your own room away from me. It was too cramped to be in there. It was too cramped to lounge about...  

...

I wish my happiness was his first priority. I wish he openly served me without question... That he'd bend to my every whim. ...I wish he was considerate, and emotionally sound. I wish his song was calm and actually in control, not chaotic and spaztastic. I wish he was cool... 

In the living room, I could've had fun while he focused... He could've paused his important as shit games to fuck me, right? It would be cool to come first, that's just polite. 

...

I say what I mean in moments bc I think about when I'm older or when I can't speak ... What would I have wished I said or done? It's a very moving moment one may find themselves, to realize there are moments to seize and moments to just enjoy ;) but I like lounging about like a cat and watching whatever... Movies, I got lists of ones I love to rewatch, but I love binging older shows too, in the same sci-fi fantasy vein. Sg1/Atlantis. Charmed, MTV programming.... Star Trek. Orville. Futurama.

I wanted to watch shows when you were in the same room. We would then get the same jokes. We fell off of watching a show consistently. Planning them became a chore to you. Spending meaningful time with me the way I wanted to spend it vs what you always wanted was met with quiet enthusiasm, or eagerness to try something new... and when the new thing bit back, you got mad at me I never attempted again... You were always disappointed at me, instead of giving me encouragement. I didn't need your devil's advocate... I needed reassurance that I could do it. You haven't a clue how to do that for another, because you can't even encourage yourself. ...so you stayed quiet, and resentful for everything I wasn't doing.

You got lucky with me, a free loving tism queen who would give out compliments like candy... 

The only me time with you besides going grocery store shopping was being home and cooking... 

Those aren't dates, they're chores. 

Shame on me gasping for your air, and squandering the O² for more room... All I wanted was your undivided attention... And all you saw was a simple someone who wasn't worth an ounce of your undivided attention. Away from a screen. Any and all of them. 

I hated how he'd refer to me as a bitch or worse, in his head. It made me feel so sad knowing that. So disrespected by someone I thought knew I equated love with respect and thought he knew to return it in kind... 

...oh well. I hope he recovers and moves on from the bartending life and actually grabs for something else... But idt he will... He has zero follow through. Good luck, kid. 

Snow.