Precipice...and photos!

April 29, 2024

Boys in boat shoes come down from the rafters upper crust to the massly understated, under policed, of the rich and famous. Small time corruption small town exclusives. Secret handshakes and blood oaths. What vows do you hold sacred? The first influencers; the marketing team of every single company in the US of A. In the 1990s...

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What can be more entertaining than me? I'm hilarious! I was supposed to be a boy, I check in with myself time to time still liking my insides as is. But... I legit was predicted to be a boy and my father was all too happy to oblige his pride. It's super obvious to everyone else how divided we are as a "family," in front of the Jones's. And yet, we can't talk about it. And we certainly can never strive for that reality. Appearance thereof suffices... Even tho the very big bold line of division doesn't stop with generations. Now G differentiates between the lineage of HER grandchildren and my niece are of different creeds. We are the Mistakes, after all.

But the capacity of an audacity to expect another to always be in understanding, the ride or die type. The loyalty. The commitment. The promise of what was expected. The unaskable notion of submission. The boys I can step on and play with like I want, to nibble away at their tolerances. I kept telling you what I wanted, and you fought me every minute. I am exhausted of fighting constantly. I was done with your truth being omitted to save my feelings ALL OF THE TIME. Crickets was a very weak boy who could never be vulnerable. He never trusted me, the person who was the brains of the operation, remember? The person who sorted out how her brain thought what it did and why. I am smarter than you in some areas and you never asked for help. You were never good at those spontaneous intense questions and actually dive in, it's fine. He just refused to learn something different from different perspectives.

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That's what you'd brag about me; brains of the Operation. Whatever you brag about me, is what you're proud of, so you'd boast, but never entrust. You never felt safe with me and YOU never told me why. You never defended my honor. You weren't that proud of me, really. You never thought I was smart or was worthy of respect? I constantly had to explain and defend you to others... Why would I be with a schmuck like you if you were never going to be the man I thought you were? I put you on a pedestal of projection. You'd get a better job and we could start building from there, but you never wanted to build with me, in the same direction. You could never flow and hand over the reins to lead us towards something greater.

The beach house changed me. I wrote and wrote while I checked out entirely. I was having meaningful moments while he was just standing there waiting for to me to be done. The last lake house is when he informed me we were in fact, not best friends. Then why on earth was I wasting my time? My emotional ties? He was never going to provide what I needed to survive this life.

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How could I be a professional muse? Who would want me to attend their parties? I'd probably always say something upsetting. She was always the one who understood me and treated me as an equal. I keep meeting the same kind soul, over and over again. I think my grandmother is watching over me, taking care of me. Anyone who reminds me of my first grandma... They are safe.

H, L, S, J, As, every good friend before they're discovered to be closer in the stardust. Seek out the sisterly passion within, find your coven, your grace, the local weirdos that you would've befriended in haste ... If y'all attended the same school. To make good choices and stay sane... Overrated.

Picnic at a cemetery with a new friend... Divine. Peaceful. I am grounded in the silence. The birds chirping the history of Oakland Cemetery.

the flowers were exquisite!