Low

I'm in that self isolation phase where all my friends are either introverted or a million miles away. My immediate family is either Catholic and thus exclusive/unaccepting of authentic me... OR crazy. And also a million miles away ...

I often wonder if my family kept trying to escape their respective hometowns? My older cousins. Younger cousins. I also escaped the notions of such segregation and pigeon hole effect in personalities, that is STL. I don't doubt that my old friends went thru their own tribulations and are still good people. 

But the whole of that city was.... What I thought was detrimental... I didn't want to always be the slow fat girl who acted weird and flirted with everyone's bf. *You were boring, your bf was into the nerdy shit I was into. What other 15yr old girl would be into Stargate and Firefly and Buffy?*

There kept being opportunities to leave and I kept taking them, eventually settling down in this area (ATL). I never stayed so long in a city and I never thought I'd fall in love with a city.... I fell in love with what Atlanta was back in 2007. Being in one city all your life? I don't have that. I don't have the university experience or gunning for grad school. I was battling postpartum depression and a lot of other heavy shit the rest of my cohorts were not...

I don't have the experience of staying in a city, as a kid, and growing up in a consistent home with consistent people with consistent, healthy, natural emotions, that were explained well. I have no idea what I'm doing but most of the time I feel like I'm wasting away. I feel like I could be doing more with my downtime but I'm so overwhelmed at the end of my days I just sit and doomscroll and/or stay up writing.

...

I was promised to be taken care of if I just found "the one" and my future husband would take care of me and our kids. I was told that if I had gotten married and had kids, everything would be ok. ....and.... It definitely didn't work out all sunshine & rainbows for Sister.... Who lives in some fantasy sitcom land...

...

Parentfication... There's two types. One is when an older sibling takes on the responsibility of a parent before they are ready or can consent. Most of my good memories is when me and my brother "hung out" but it was me helping with dinner and putting him to bed and taking care of him... I understand that Brother didn't come from my body directly... But the fact that when we got older, his parents slowly cut me off and he stopped calling. We stopped talking. It's still really hard thinking that I'm a complete burden and I shouldn't bother him and his family. I'm just the weird gay aunt everyone hushes about. 

The second type is when a parent confides in their children, like a partner or peer.

In childhood, Mom had been using me and Sister as emotional punching bags without actual repair... Trying to emotionally regulate a person who is woefully immature enough to change their ways really... For the good and acknowledgement of the child's development. I wish I was diagnosed sooner with Autism. I wish I was given tools and resources and been taught to advocate for myself and stopped this stupid search of finding "the one." 

I wish I could find a good friend group. Like consistent people who lived with me and I could see every day. People who wanted to be my friend... People who could help out. I don't think I can do this life on my own. 

...

I thought I had had someone. I thought he was loving me as I loved him but we were both in love with the other's potential. Well, I can't really speak for him... But he was familiar. He had mostly excellent friends and I thought maybe they'd just adopt me into the folds. But.... They functioned as a tight knit group. They were mostly online and then we'd have a yearly expensive get-together (2 really expensive trips bc 2 friend groups).... I miss his friends more than him. I just thought I could be part of his friends... But then, they got gossipy... How do you tell new friends that are OLLLD friends of your S.O. to not gossip? 

They gossiped about each other! To me, the neutral new party... Always left a bitter taste. I had thought all the hand holding and the big thoughts and the big moments... I just thought that equated to love and respect. I just thought my big heart could keep giving over and over... And my life was altered SO MUCH just for him. To accommodate him. He didn't really do the same for me, he never respected me or trusted me with himself... 

And .... I lost myself. 

Idk who I am now. I don't even craft anymore like I used to... Idk what I'm supposed to be doing... Keeping informed about.... ? What? There's so much to be informed about, I am bogged down. I'd like to live in blissful ignorance, sometimes... 

I don't know how to be apart of a community. How do I even when I'm trying to be a good citizen? How do I do XYZ that apparently everyone learned already? 

How do I even talk about finances to anyone? Are there resources for that, for someone like me? It was such a taboo subject in both homes. I mean, what would I need to know about my own money, anyway? I should've been married and taken care of by now, right? 

I have no idea where to start or how to save myself. I don't know a lot and it's fucking scary. 

Being at work is probably the one thing that's keeping me sane right now, honestly. I guess it's sad, but I just feel like I'm around friends at work... Why not throw myself in? But when I'm home, idk what to do with myself, besides playing with my roommate's doggo. All my own hobbies are introverted... But how does one have a social life let alone a love life? 

How does an individual get into a community, consistently? How do you make good friends in your adulthood without so much alcohol or smoking? I want to make sober friends. I just want to be adopted into a group somewhere... I'm so very tired of being the initiator or the confident one... I wish to be wooed, but not treated like a baby or a kid... 

I wish to be more financially independent but I like to stay sane. If I keep taking from my parents, is that wrong? 

The alternative is an even harder life without handouts and with an unstable background. Some family would be supportive emotionally but ... Not more. I don't want to be always mooching off of family members but I'd also like to live with sane family who just loves me for who I am. A gay little weirdo who just wants movies and intelligent conversations. I don't want to take care of anyone else. I'm so tired. 

...

Since I was 6, I've moved 450 times. I'm so tired. So very tired. I wish I lived with friends who really wanted to be my friend. 

I'm going to try to put on a party soon for friends. Charcuterie boards? Idk. I never threw a party with another competent human being. I'll probably chicken out.

I kinda miss Crickets as a friend... But it's still too soon. I lost a bff and a lover in the same breath. I hate how he shattered my reality, the veil I was holding so tightly over my own face that we were best friends. Idk when it was for him realizing we weren't best friends... But I thought he knew I was in that nonsense bc we were... Why else would I have stayed so long and been loyal and steadfast... I was never enough for him. 

I miss having friends. I miss always having someone on my side... I miss having cheerleaders and people to go hang out with. 

I miss a lot of people in STL. Not enough to physically move back (sorry not sorry), but I do miss a lot of them. I'm sure STL has changed just as drastically as ATL has... Crickets always talked about going to STL but we never went. We never even took a vacation for just us. Not even to Savannah. ...it was just all talk.

Apparently I was supposed to keep asking for what I wanted only for him to be selective of what... He'd spend thousands on a trip with his friends for friends stuff, but never on us. 

There wasn't really much of an us, was there? Just an illusion of a reality I was living in. The illusion that he could step up emotionally like I was putting in... He was never moving along fast enough for me. He became boring. I guess that made him feel inadequate... "Like I'm not the man you need me to be" ..... And then he cheated. So thanks.

...

The dream is to get to know some people and they keep inviting me out. And then we tag team initiating hangouts... Without the guise of green and alcohol. That we just enjoy each other's company?

I just want to be loved. That's enough, right?

Snow.