Growing Up

So Brother is into The Office. Him and SIL are like die hard fans, the way I am about Doctor Who, or so I figure... I could never get into The Office... Steve Carell looks too much like our dad so... I just can't and won't... 

Besides Catholicism, I don't really know what to get them or talk to them about....So I forget to reach out to them... Their lives are always changing and it's hard to keep up because sometimes it's really really triggering me in a bad way... and it's not anything bad, persay... it's more like a weird jealousy? Like I am excited and super happy for them and their lives, but I know deep down that I'll never have what they have... not in the same way. Is it because I deny the Church in my life, or is it because I don't want the idea of pigeon hole my one and only community? I don't want to hang around people who are all of one mind... I like the diversity. I know that I am better for it. ... 

I don't reach out to family because I don't want to be a bother or a burden... But then I miss birthdays and happy memories... What if I'm just supposed to be the crazy aunt or the "uncle fester" of the family? What if I haven't met my partner yet? What if I've been a lesbian this entire time? All I ever wanted to be was part of the good, sane family, where people wanted me there. I didn't show up like a regular human girl that everyone was used to. I don't know if I am anything they thought a daughter was supposed to be... ...yeah, I wanted to play with dolls, but I really liked cars, so I got really into classic American Muscle... ask me my favorite car. ....My family never got into the same things I got into, or that I found fascinating... or I was deemed "too old" to be into... ie, The Muppets. ... Cars are prettier than dolls and more practical. Everyone older seemed to have one... I was just under the impression that everyone got the car they wanted. lol.  

I can hear different pitches, I'd have been the best country daughter, I'd have been a mechanic and a beauty who could eat hotwings...  but probably never in real life. Our father never considered us like that, but I always kinda wished.... because I felt like Sister got that more than I did, but I was always left behind or left out of the happier memories and I never understood to not take it personally, but it always felt like it was because we weren't dudes... they just always had somewhere to be... so people stopped wanting to engage with me... the very personal vulnerability moments are things that not everyone is ready to consent to explore unless you provide a preview of how they'd sometimes be in real life. Like the type of conversations I wish I could have with loved ones would stoke a lot of fires and a lot of drama/trauma... I wish I could ask the universe those questions. I wish I could get answers.

I can't hang out with Sister sometimes because BIL talks to her in rude ways, and I can't defend her. Is it my place? He is sarcastic to her and demeans her in front of the kids, thinking he is being funny. But it's not funny, he's being an asshole. He's teaching his children to talk back to their mom, that she is stupid and he is right. It's so incredibly triggering to be around them for long periods of time. My nibblings are not idiots, btw, but are curious, and are VERY literal thinkers. That's not an idiotic trait... to stay curious, to want to better yourself and your way of thinking, is not idiotic... I would ask Dad questions a lot as a kid, but then got hushed a few too many times from others I would ask... how are we supposed to know how the world works if we don't clarify with questions? How are we supposed to function without knowing the full story? 

I wish I had a stronger, more educated diction of defending some soapboxes I will never back down from. A woman's body is their own, FULL STOP. Like, you want to argue that God owns you, fine... at what point would he want one of his children to suffer at the hands of another? Or themselves? Why would there be a god like creature who would "make a mistake" ... if God doesn't make mistakes, then why would he make so many "mistakes" according to other white nationalist christains? 

I wish I had a stronger diction of what I was into... 

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I wish I didn't feel so much different from my immediate family. I wish I could speak like myself without many people having a negative reaction to what I'm saying... I wish I had better friends here who really did want to hang out with me on a regular, routine basis. Something to look forward to. Something to save up stories and memories to share during those moments. But during parties, I just feel out of sorts. I feel like My Shine dulls around others... whenever I'm looking for someone, I just feel like I'll never be enough. I just feel like no one really cares about my creativity or am considered the way I used to consider Crickets. 

He would be showered with gifts and messages, and I'd talk to him all the time. I told him he was my bff a lot and I would tell him how cute he was. I told him everything... and then ....I noticed he never cared about the love I'd give him, so I stopped being me... I stopped being considerate and caring and thinking of him and waiting on him... but he never wanted the love I expressed towards him... Not sure what love he wanted, he almost never showed me... he showed me what he thought I wanted, which was ....a lot of great food. I get it, man, you like to cook... but I can't keep food around... I wish he'd have gotten me something... sent me a meme... sent me a "I'm thinking about you" text... getting random flowers... and not just when I'm upset or it's an occasion. I wish I had told him "I need encouragement, not a devil's advocate." ...oh wait, I did say that. And I kept loving him the way I always wanted to be loved; I paid attention to him; to what he was into and what things he liked to do and the people he hung out with...I'd pour what I could into those relationships, because I never had that type of support system. I only had the very little sane older guardian humans... ... but then, that wasn't enough. He never wanted to hang out with me... I tried telling him about my thoughts and none of it was encouraged... like, hanging out with friends was ...talking. Getting to know other people in different lights is what makes life so grand.... 

Like, I live with a very nice person... she is sane and nice and felt instantly safe the moment I met her. Do you know how rare that is, sometimes? That level of fierce kindness, maybe it's a defense mechanism? Of recognizing other fierce kindness, and... I felt like she wouldn't take advantage of my vulnerable state of being all-of-a-sudden in-charge of myself and freaking the fuck out about it, and be mentally stable at such a sudden drop... just now, she's talking to her dog, excitedly telling him "we're going on a trip tomorrow!!" and it's honestly so incredibly wholesome! 

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Crickets gatekept his soul, even though he said he loved me, he never or he stopped letting me know ... Like I didn't have to hide myself all the time. I could trust others to not be making fun of me or not understanding. But I knew they'd defend me....Crickets would constantly demand attention, but also demand I let him know all the time. And when I did, when I let him know, nothing would happen...  I feel like he wanted a certain version of me all the time, and whenever I wanted to change he would say sure, but he would do absolutely nothing to help me. I'd ask for help or assistance, and was met with annoyance. His car was his to control, and I wasn't allowed to view it as a resource. But then he'd roll his eyes if I'd ask... Like he always needed so much time away from me. I had errands and tasks that piled up but then I felt like such a burden when I asked for his help.

...I thought I was going to spend forever with that weirdo.... we'd talk about wedding stuff and joke about our Ever After together and I just thought his banter and Mine would be fine... but no, he never liked my brattiness, so he never got my playful self... creative and fun to talk to... as friends, all the time in unison, joking, having fun... instead, he'd treat me like a little sister, weird and distant. He never liked his own sister, there was the spoiled-bratiness that he despised and was insanely jealous of... His mother loved me because I wanted to settle down and move to Southern Atlanta, OTP, and have a happy settled life. His family was probably the number 1 reason I hung on for so long... I kind of miss his mom... we'd be in the kitchen silently cooking, occassionally talking... but Crickets wasn't taking it in like that... I kept telling him that I'd give up my job for more times with his family... ... but he never wanted the same, did he? He never wanted all of me like what I had demanded of him? Was he not ready? Was he not on board? He wasn't with the program of what I really wanted; I want to marry my best friend... a Primary. A person who likes me and loves me and wants us to create together. Do I just want to marry or maybe I just want a wedding? A whole day just for me... someone who knows me like I know them, who can read me across the room, and I, him...  is that selfish? 

My birthday is in the Christmas season so I always had to compete with Jesus... It would be nice to have a half birthday in July...  a nice summer day all about me. The things I like to do. Around the people whom I love, and who in turn, love me. 

This is the longest I've stayed in a city. I fell in love with Atlanta back in 2007, before the yuppies came in and started gentrification. I've just been living here... But I've never STAYED in one place long enough to be apart of a community? Like, there's church... that's a separate topic. I just can't really explain that I've been missing something that's been there for so many others... I feel like I could really contribute to the Gay and Austism community... the ideas I have for it seems to be out there, but then small compared to most of what others are into here... Like I'm always on the outside of things... how can I be more immersed with communities... what does that look like?

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The new X-Men series? Like, I know one of the cats who worked on it and I AM SO INCREDIBLY STOKED. I liked the series even before I knew this tidbit but I am so happy that now I look for their name in the credits!! ....old me may have been jealous.... I know my sister looks at the alumn page on our High School page, see where people are now... two decades is a long time to most.... but I am tired of running and I am tired of not contributing. I'm not sure if this animator and I would get along today, but I am so incredibly happy for them. They were always drawing and animating in school, and Xmen is STELLAR so far. So glad they have them on the team!! 

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Snow.