The End

Last night, I was listening to a streaming influencer cover Shape of You (friend requested that song on my behalf, bc I intentionally wanted to write a public entry about my feelings towards my ex right in that moment of clarity) and then another song I can't recall, was played, and then Closing Time... ....to anyone I sent this to, I am 100% ok with therapy and have zero unaliving thoughts right now. I like being alive in this world, however gloomy now, it will get better... I just have to keep going, with the hope of growing to where I wanna go. Confide in your personal friend groups... They help. Share memes. ....if you can hang out with them, physically... Do that. I can't always hang out with my best friends, those who I have known a long time and still love me no matter what ...those people are few. But they are able to converse and be emotionally vulnerable with me, and I to them. They are never a burden to me bc I am not a burden to them. They are chosen family* .... Those that I share DNA with who still keep in contact and love me no matter what, are also chosen family. The thing is, intention. Do you wish for control or do you wish for friendship and acceptance and maturity?****

...

I was thinking about how much A. done fucked up. I was the best he could've done? Was that what he had said to me? Like I don't believe in my taste in people, in what I like? He doubted me why I loved him? And then that doubt seeped in and steeped incredulously slow into his brain and tainted what he thought was attention, was platonic. Seriously? What did he think I wanted? I had found him very attractive at one point, but that was never enough for him. 

Remy (the streaming influencer who does requested songs) hadn't done any Incubus, otherwise I would've requested Nowhere Fast or Dig... A. is a Capitol I for Idiot. That's not a stutter. 

.You, A. (Crickets), are an Idiot. You think you can do better than me bc your mouth is acid? You gotta drink whiskey like it's mouthwash, to drown the bad breath and broken teeth... You look so weak when you cast curses with just a glare, stinging. You embarrass me... I could never build a life with someone who embarrasses me... But I never once thought you were stupid. That's different.... Redneck republicans aka... those are stupid .... An idiot is someone who is smart, but stupid temporarily. And that's ok... But remaining stupid and closed-minded and always choosing the easier road than the complicated GROWING and betterment of oneself...and refuse to accept how you might be wrong in this moment in time, instead of telling me every time I was wrong, never telling me when I was doing anything right... You're not playing devil's advocate... You were the devil. You called me frumpy and childish... You always let me know when you thought less of me... But you never lmk when you loved me... You'd never encouraged me... It was too tall of an order for you to encourage me bc you can't encourage yourself for a better tomorrow... How are those classes coming along? Need to take some Ambition 101. I wanted you to want more for yourself... I wanted you to grow. But you wanted stagnant water... I couldn't stay in your grime with you, man. That wasn't fair, either. .

....

I too went through something terribly traumatic at 22. It defines an aspect of who I am as a person... What I've gone through at such a young age, knowing that it may have been the only time I had the option to be a mother... It is forever crystalized in time. I cannot change it, and I cannot dwell on wanting to change it. It eats at me when I learn about the group of people who were adopted, and they wish they weren't... But the person doing the choice, they live with that decision every day ... You can either hang onto the hurt, and hang onto the sadness of never getting what you wanted.... Or you can learn to let go of the past. It really doesn't define you unless you dwell on it. Move on... Find new people. Grow outside your comfort zone ... Learn to navigate another world; recreate yourself... I've done it, seemingly, my entire life. 

I had thought that if he had seen me expanding myself outside my comfort zone, that he'd take the hint to respond in kind.... But instead, he cowers behind "what should've been" .... And that's not the type of person I want to be around, let alone date. Wanting more for myself and my partner isn't selfish.

...

I would let him know what I wanted to do, then he'd gate keep romance and use what I wanted to do like a carrot/reward system. Like if I did XYZ task, I'd get a treat like romance. Lol. It doesn't work like that, bud .... I had told him to not make me wait.

If he was afraid of hurting me, he just confused me more. He would never lmk what was truly bothering him in the moment. I wouldn't have minded him typing it out, honestly, because it would've been SOMETHING. And I would've taken bread crumbs ... 

...

He had said he hated Closing Time, the song... and then told me why he hated it. Guess what I never heard from, again, until now? Correct... Closing Time.... the I HATE STATEMENTS ....I hated them. "I hate to get up in the morning"... The thing I like to do, to utilize the day better, to have happyfun times in the mornings... Both at brunch or out to lunch before our work, making time for one another. But he hated getting up in the morning, so I stopped requesting it bc he would say how much he hated getting up ... "You're lucky I love you" ... That wasn't an affirmation I wanted to hear .... I hated how you'd say it... 

But it was HIS time. His hours to utilize for the three hour poopathons... You know what gets me going? Pooping. Oh yeah, totally turns me on, hearing you squeeze them out like frustrating turd nuggets... I definitely want to hear that before getting it on with someone. ... That kink isn't for me... 

His cursing... Always embarrasses me. Like from the start... I just thought I could get passed it... No matter if there's random children, he couldn't censor himself? In public? No one wants to promote an asshole. He has to be able to assess a situation and regulate himself for it. Not everyone is a threat... Especially when one brings calm to a situation instead of a random explicit "EVERYBODY BETTER GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY" 

.... and without me telling him to stay in the car, Crickets saw red but kept driving... Thank God. He would have gotten himself laid out... I had zero confidence in his ability to win a fight... Let alone protect me.... Protect me from what? From him and his intense, seething anger.... 

The apartment gate was being stupid... That wasn't a time to bring your angry chaos to the world, Weirdo .... That man had tone muscle and Crickets?.... Crickets, your body is softer, man ... You're more of a marshmallow than I am... Stop acting like you could protect me in a fight. Lol. 

...

His lack of just wanting to watch something and then NEVER WATCHING IT WITH ME...and then having the audacity in mentioning "I'm sad we never got to watch XYZ" on what could be the very last time I see you, MAN FUCK YOU. YOU HAD 4 FCKING YEARS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO WATCH WITH ME, but you had to be asked a certain way so you could prepare yourself all week for a twenty minute episode to tolerate watching anything I wanted to watch... But if it was something YOU wanted to watch like... You'd watch it all the time... YouTube. A twitch stream... You made time for those... You never made time for me. You called me. You never loved me the way I needed a partner to see me. 

***It's 1am on a school night, late July '24... I'm editing all my entries bc they need it and I gave links to E... I'll have to rename her E... No one will know! ...hi E. Anyway... I skipped dinner bc anxiety. And hyper focusing... Enjoy! I like my poems the best. 

*****

You knew that smoking out with me, would get me in the mood. I kept suggesting and telling you what would get me in the mood, dates. I suggested so many date nights.... I always let you know when I was or not turned on.... but it stopped because you stopped, and you never told me why. You never told me when you were in the mood. You never really acted on it and I was never aware... You stopped spending time with me... how was I supposed to know? I had no boundaries to work with, either. I would be direct, and there would be crickets.... I got tired of always keeping you informed... I got tired of begging for attention from you like I gave freely to you...... You never let me know or verbalize when and where.... You were always taking the lead, but had zero direction... And never wanted to ask me for help because you had this big assumption like I couldn't handle it. You had the notion that I would have no idea what you're talking about... Sounds familiar, man. I just wanted to be heard. You weren't listening. I thought if you saw me staying here with you, that you would reward my loyalty with the love I deserved... That I've been deserving of... 

But you smoked out with a stranger (maybe you always wondered about her, idk, you never told me those thoughts...) and played darts with her all night, enjoying YOUR TIME with her like I didn't exist, waiting for your arrival like some idiot. Like some lovesick puppy ... You hated when I'd greeted you at the door, so I stopped greeting you at the door. 

But I liked it when I'm acknowledged, when I get home; you stopped greeting me when I got home. You hated seeing me... You never wanted to see and greet me... I was never a relief, for home. "Ah, she's finally here, I can't wait to hear about her day and how she is. I want to make sure she feels loved." .... You rejected me over and over and over and I kept coming back for more... See? I can be an idiot, too.

...

You kept putting secret tasks on my shoulders to accomplish a certain way, and then judge me whenever I disappointed you.... Use your fcking words, if not by talking, I was writing... Writing is talking. 

To you, me writing was passive aggressive? You wanted words to be spoken to your face, but you'd never lead by example... I was trying to communicate with you the way I knew how and it wasn't enough... In-the-moment feelings are really hard to hold onto if I don't write them down immediately. I was letting you know.... But you couldn't deal. I wasn't allowed to write my dwellings out to you, bc talking was so difficult with you ... But you cut off that resource too... You shut me out. 

I was so comfortable with you but you were rigid to me... I never knew why. Can't appear weak and vulnerable, she'll be sad for 10seconds, bc I'm assuming she never wants to feel my sadness also and sympathize with me ... She might provide another perspective. And that was the point... You, we... We had so many chances to get to know each other but I was never important enough for you to make room for, let alone plant roots and grow the way I wanted to grow with someone.... . .... I was talking to you the best way I knew how... I wasnt aware that you don't consciously write... I let it stream out of me as I listen to you vibing. Or right now, Remy Sefi covering some songs that mean stuff to me and vibing myself, with very good friends.... 

...

I loved watching you play games... But that wasn't enough for you?.... I needed to come ask you and beg for attention. It was exhausting.... I like to hang out in ONE room. Usually wherever you are. Like a cat... But you wanted alone time so ... When was I supposed to anticipate your very busy af schedule of never doing anything differently? I was always messaging you... We ran out of things to talk about and joke... We ran out of steam. You placed a lot of blame at my feet, but I wish you'd analyze how you were never here and barred me from being my authentic self (set a reminder to send me a funny meme. Wow, the level of expected effort... astronomical). You saw me lopping off my appendages to accommodate you and your feelings, and said nothing about the bloodshed. Liking it to spilled milk... 

Not me. It took words. You could never tell me, it always felt like you wanted to yell. I wish you knew how to explain your feelings thru writing, calmly. You are an Idiot. I had a crush on you, infatuation? Yeah. Aren't we supposed to find our romantic partners sexy? Sure. But now I'd like someone who knows what he wants and can verbalize it, either thru talking calmly or writing it out, and accepting me writing it out? I understand couples knitpick and sass... I just felt you always wanted me to yell at you to fight for us... I'm deathly afraid of hurting people with my words, bc I'm never told when I'm loved, otherwise... How would I know if I was still loved through a fight? Everyone leaves. Because of me. Everyone who yells at me, leaves. I know I need to work on verbalizing in speech what I want... But if I have no example or scripts... I'm not sure how to approach and I'd rather not offend... I'm overly considerate bc my mother would always yell at us to be considerate [of her]. So I know I have to speak up to advocate for myself... But whenever I felt like I was trying, you'd pick apart my efforts. Or dismiss them. Or critique them. You kept throwing the rafts back at me, not realizing I was trying to connect with you, not control. ...I know how to socialize and conduct myself in public bc at a very early age, I was taught what not to do.... Lol A. never wanted to learn new steps to leveling up. He wanted to stay small and sad. 

I'm unsure how humans are supposed to fight and mend... I have no idea how to do that. Does that make me a child? Maybe a novice. But maybe not childish. I know how to have a vulnerable conversation and then enact the changes... But A. needs to work on his ability to be vulnerable to those he loves most, bc then you have an accumulation of missed opportunities at the end of your life instead of practicing a speech you wrote 20 years ago. My grandfather passed away peacefully. I was anticipating it... But I didn't really feel it. I was hanging out with a new friend on that day... I wish I had gone to Florida immediately after I said that prayer with him. ....instead I wrote my own speech. My own analogy of grief. I feel like I've lost so much in this world, this past year, but I have yet to break down. I still want to bring hope to others... I want to instill hope in this world, still, after wading through my shit. Is that personal strength?

 ... #remysefi #closingtime #TheSouternSnow #blogger #23 #edsheridan #shapeofyou #muppet #birdistheworld #tardistattoo #doctorwho #doctor #breakup #hecheated #atlanta #empath ... 

A. reminded me of everyone I have ever loved in the past... I always followed my heart... Like the Doctor and Rose/bad wolf... Not sure how to love any other way... But I didn't think I was asking you for too much... You wanted your alone time. 

The Neglect; you were familiar, not healthy, as my therapist reminds me... The heart tricks, but the brain protects. I'm not sure who I am without a partner... But I know I'll love her, my single self. I know I'll be looking out for her, all the warning signs I see in you now, will be the deal breakers for others... I learn from my mistakes. I'm selfish? I hope nothing but the best for you and your mini fridge. 

But idt I even want you as a friend anymore. You blamed me for your cheating. That's right, Alex cheated. And then blamed me for his cheating....

You have no idea how to let go of a grudge or the vile you spit at others ... It poisons other aspects of your life, man. It's not healthy. 

I treated him as my best friend throughout these years... But he informed me that we weren't bffs... Oh. Important information to establish. Ie, I'd like to be with my best friend; I'd like to count on one other human to venture into this part of life... I wanted an equal emotional partner who would've hung up his ego, driven me down to see my grandfather and be with me to help me navigate my family, like I have done for him several times... But... He couldn't do that.  

Apparently, I have to go at it alone... So now I'm so wary of meeting new people... Will it hurt this much to fall out with them too, or will they stay? Will I be safe with them? I'm safe with myself. 

...

But I will move on from it. The betrayal was there (the last time AEW was in town for a live show). He spent all night having fun with another woman, smoking out with a stranger, not ever thinking to himself that he had to get HOME to me... We didn't have a home together, did we? You never wanted to smoke with me bc A. gets too paranoid, so he says..... ...I meant nothing to you. You didn't even think to mention me over the course of 5 to 7 hours with this other woman... 

Annnnd then you see her every Monday even though she ghosted you.... I've never been upset with her... You presented yourself as single... Why would I be mad at someone who thought you were single? She did nothing wrong. I almost want to meet with her and get her side of the story .... Fuck, I'd buy her a drink. Lol.

He had said sorry, but did he mean it? You had the audacity to blame me for cheating. Did you tell your friends that you cheated on me? Or did you omit that truth? The friends that matter to you.... Did you explain how hurt I was? How much is beg you for attention and how you'd dangle the carrot of it in front of me in order to do anything. ....you can't train a cat, man... You can't control me or harness an ocean, buddy... Silly goose. 

...

You want to do right by me, you'd have already told your friends that you made the mistake of cheating, instead of breaking up with me. Cheating on me felt like a relief, right? All night, you got something different. Spice it up for the soul without letting me know... You waited a whole day. You had the audacity to come home and look me in the eye and tell me nothing of your night besides the match. And you wanted me to keep the hoodie? Man, fuck you. 

That night you came home from that date, I was already in bed bc it was 3am, probably... I just figured you were out all night with B... Bc he's your best friend. I understood that. Why would I have assumed you were out all night with another woman?... Having a date with another woman. A date. You knew what a date was... See? You just did a date with another woman. Why couldn't you do that for me? Do a date for me? 

If you're thinking of the time we went to honeyhive in Edgewood, I think you're mistaking buying me stuff to lull me... And then spending a bunch of money on your new TV that you were picking up at best buy. That wasn't a date, man. That was a chore you were blending into a task... I felt so diminished... Like "oh, you just wanted to give me candy to satisfy me" instead of putting thought and effort into a date.... Let the whole night be about doting on me and making me feel special and loved and heard... Thought of. But you wanted a TV, so you thought you could kill two birds with one stone of effort. Sounds like my Dad. 

...

I meant nothing to you, A.. You never earned me.... I pursued you, remember? I went after you... I'm an aggressive flirt, but haven't a clue what to do next.... . I have no idea how to be pursued by someone else... Never been courted or made to feel special by someone who wanted to be with me... not consistently.... During a special occasion or when I was upset... He was all gravy... But he'd rinse repeat, which was making dinner. It was great cooking, but like ... I wanted trinkets and tangible thoughts that I could look at or wear and think to myself, yes. I feel loved and thought of kindly. Like I feel seen... 

I have been making myself feel special, but again, I don't want to offend anyone, so I feel like I'm a bit smaller sometimes... I wish I could just be myself around others, and that's a very few people... [Best friends listed here] .... Some of my Cousins who I will see, soon, have loved me all my life... They've loved me no matter what... They'd have been messed up forever if I had ended myself in 2019... But A. was there for me when family couldn't... I trauma bonded with him and he reminded me of family, but I also found him tasty... I thought that was enough. He saved me, thank you ... But I don't owe you my life and continually giving you thanks everyday for it ... I wanted a return effort, and you never mirrored me for learning my reasons for empathy... And wouldn't. Immediate family was insane and unsafe... How could I reach out beyond them? How could I overstep? "Sit with other family"... That's a separate entry... 

Not everyone has a close knit family, let alone two families to grow up with. My brother had told me very young that the stepmom G's nibblings were HIS cousins... So I wasn't allowed their friendships. I backed off. I was excited to have more cousins... But... I overstepped. I had my cousins... There was no one on Mom's side. 

I was practically telling A. everyday I'd like to date, but I wasn't asking him in the correct way. I wasn't letting him know when I wanted to be loved, like it was something to set aside time for... To love.... We never scheduled anything. Neither of us. We fell out with each other slowly... But I would never have cheated... 

Snow.