Funny

I like to have conversations with people. New people are the most interesting because humans are naturally curious... We are humans with intellect and intention of building up friendships and connections... How does one do that? Ask interesting questions. Not many can do that. And be actually inquisitive on a consistent basis, for both parties... Meaning, please ask me interesting, inquisitive questions, as well... That's how a conversation works. ...at a certain point, Crickets stopped inquiring about my interests but then expected me to continue to be interested in him... He kept taking from me, demanding more but closing off more of himself, too. He was very inconsistent... And not very interested in me, he never matched my energy or wanted to know what I was into... Idk if I even want to be his friend, still... Like, why?

When I'm out with someone, friend or more, I tend to focus on them when they're talking because they are my only focus; I want to savor this moment of getting to know you, I want to make mental notes of the random gifts I can get for you.... I will make you feel very loved and very seen and very heard... I vibe well with mostly other emotionally intelligent people... The more patience I receive, the better standing you have as a good friendship... Reassurance and acceptance... Foreign concepts to me, from a loved one... He'd get so incredibly upset at the drop of a hat and I was always had to pick up the pieces... It was exhausting carrying the emotional labor for the both of us.

I'm unsure when people want more from me or want me to shut up or want me to go away. I miss signals that are obvious to other people and I'm unsure what I missed... Or if I said something uncouth. 

There will be conversation going on and I'm feeling the vibe and contributing and being funny... And then at the end of saying something, it's quiet? I freak out and forget immediately what I had just said... Was it offensive? What did I say? What just happened? What did I miss? So that anxiety is embedded in every fiber of my being. Hooray! 

Some people have learned to explain concepts better than others... To explain a negative emotion like hurt or pain or jealousy... One has to understand the root of that certain emotion. What level of trauma occured for me to carry that baggage with me, up until this point? 

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I think the goal now, is to earn enough to be on my own and have friends over whenever I want... 

And family can visit, but never stay. Unless they're a nibbling. Lol. You need a break from your parents? Great. I'll be your respite. Lol oh, and visiting family, like my cousins and their partners, of course... 

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Daria's aunt in the animated show just... Seemed so much more intelligent, and sane, and it was probably because she lived alone. Lol ...idk if most people would understand that desire... 

But then... I love people; I love MY people. I love being around loved ones. People who love me? What's that atmosphere like? When did I feel respected as a young adult and not punted out of the home too soon just bc I turned a certain age? What's that household like? When loved ones don't constantly hold me in contempt or to the standards of average humans my age? Or laying in wait until something drastic happens... Some book by some guy writing about average young women instead of a kinder, more understanding approach... To understanding your stepchildren? ... Maybe they did the best they could... But to be Othered in your same 4 walls as the GC (golden child) was really difficult to not draw comparisons after awhile... It was obvious to the rest of the family too. Uncle D had to pull aside Dad a few times to ask with he was doing or not doing for us, too? 

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I feel like what was never lost on me was the concepts of being nice and being kind.... That they weren't mutually exclusive. I like The South way better because 1) the weather, yes... But 2) the city folk are nicer in general, even if they don't mean it. Lol. What I've been finding through new friends, is that other emotionally intelligent people want their loved ones to be loved by other friends..... What is this concept of mutual love and respect and interest in people, they keep going on about? ...mutual love? What's that?

Is...is this what others experience? Is this what making friends is like? It's been so long since I've been getting up and going in the morning that I've actually realized that I had been missing it... I'm not about to start getting up at 4am for a jog; I'm not a psychopath ... And yes, sleeping in until 10a or 11 is a treat... But getting up earlier is great too! I don't feel like a complete slob or heel... Maybe I'll schlep on down to town and grab a bite before work... 

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Oh, and I'd like to truly rave about my bosses for a second. In the grand scheme of jobs I've had in the past 2 and a half decades, and what I've thought have been the Biggest fuck ups until now... They've continued to respect me and value me. I don't move as fast as what they needed in the position I was in, but they love and respect my tenacity for their company. I also feel safe ... They're left leaning, produce vegan chocolate, and our chocolateir is a force to be reckoned with (she's a b out of hell and gets shit done! I like her. She isn't nice, but she is kind) ... 

The owners are married, but one was in the peace corps and they met while working for John Lewis .... Like, those were the only two details I needed to hear to form an opinion on them as people... At the time of my hire, the founders had moved temporarily to help an ailing member of their family; commendable. The coworkers I had met were proof of their company's vibe thusly I felt safe and appreciated...

I knew they had the drive and passion to work in politics and do the grunt work of soliciting and speechifying.... I once told the founder she reminds me of Jennifer Garner... So she'll be Garner... Garner is very understanding and respectful and sees how much I adore the company... They are very smart people, and feel only a few years older than me because, well... They're only a few years older than me. Lol. In HS terms, I feel like the freshman and them, the seniors....

From what I've seen, they're really good parents and explain big emotions to their kids really well. There was this one time their daughter was having a moment and crying, out of eyesight to me, of course. I was in the factory doing factory work... Children crying, though? I'm going to pause activity and make sure they're ok... Growing up, people didn't do the same for me... And C... Curly. 

Ok so Curly's dad works in the factory and he's this sweet old man with some great stories.... some GREAT conversations I've had with this man... Anyway, he comes into work once and shows us a picture of Curly... As a teenager. Lol!!!! Very curly hair for a white guy. Lol just... Beautifully young and very different to now... Anyway, I'll continue. 

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So Curly is probably the first white boss I've had that hasn't taken advantage of me, hit on me, or maliciously made fun of me.... So... High standards in the last 20years. .... 

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I hope their company makes all the monies; I hope they continue to expand... I hope they prosper, and that I remain apart of it... ... I hope our wages go up because of it... But also, I hope they prosper to what they want achieved... 

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Actual continuation... 

Ok so their daughter was having big feelings and C just calmly goes "you're very overwhelmed right now and I understand. It's ok to be upset and cry. Let it out." ... The family couldn't see or hear me, but they knew I was there working with headphones on... I had to steal myself away and recollect myself in the bathroom... Like... Mature adults!! Wow. Where were the mature adults when I was a kid, super overwhelmed and having a breakdown? 

... They are GREAT people. I am glad I'm still in love with their company. I love that I actually work Friday and Saturday nights because they know they have their top seller on the job ;) 

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I have always found it funny where I've found the lessons I needed to survive and make sense of the world... I can tell you that for me, it's never been in the Church... 

Snow.