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On the days that matter... Like today. I often wonder about how others connect... How do you connect to the world you reside in? How do you interact with those around you? Do the by standers in your life view you as desirable or with negativity? Or neutrality? How do I connect to the reality I am living? 

I'm kinda tired of online life but connecting through flirting has always been my downfall... I'm not sure how to make friends beyond that... I'm attractive, I'm confident... I'm very funny. 

But how do I maintain a friendship? What are the next steps to the next steps? 

Can I trust someone else with my heart so soon after so many fractures? I've been accused of selfishness when he refused to look upon a mirror ... My name is Snow, I know a thing or two about mirrors. I know that smoke can play tricks and the wool hides a veil of truth... Everyone leaves; everyone lies. 

Not saying anything is just as bad as lying to my face. There's really no incentive of joining the church... All I am or will be is a mother and potential wife to someone... But what does it mean when something else burns beneath the surface? What are the next next steps?

Am I lost? Am I just a flirty floozy flake? I don't know what happens after the initial date... Are we friends now? Are we dating? Are we more? Are we more after we have relations with each other? 

I always feel like the outsider... Like I don't belong with anyone. I don't fit in anywhere... No one would accept all of me... Just a beautiful tragedy. What a pitiful legacy I've left behind for her... If they're even still alive. Would she want to know me? Did she request no contact? I wonder if she still wants to act? 

Why are so many families built on the appearance of harmony and solid privilege, the ones so full of fissures and fractures, tied together with string... Kept together with glue... The stories I used to live are tainted with hatred of the unmarried or the fat... How dare they exist in the same world as you... 

Maintenance Phase is a podcast I love listening to... Before I was diagnosed, how the hosts spoke with one another, the topics they discussed. ...it made me feel validated. ...that other people my age also think Snackwells is dry and gross... The presidents test is one of their earliest episodes but also one of my most favoritest... 

...

There's a guy I like. He's long distance and nothing too serious. I contemplate with the too-sooness of our respective breakups but our understanding of each other is kinda compatible... I did know him in STL and we have really great people in common... 

Do I like him because he's far away?... He's an idea. He's not a real person with thoughts and feelings for himself and his own sanity? I can be frisky and flirty online ... But idk if I have what it takes to be with a person, let alone potentially hurt someone else... Conflict and I haven't danced in a minute. I've been dealing with other external forces... 

I go on dates with nice... Nice-ish guys. And they want to hang out with me? Really? Me? I'm sad and lonely... I can't guarantee any connection that's meaningful beyond sharing some jokes... 

Were all the boats sent my way, also miss me at night? Flying overhead, did I miss another opportunity? Yet again? 

I still have a will to live... My nephew and Godson... I need to watch him grow up, make sure I can be his safe haven. ...and my nieces. 


...
I was to have 3 children. The last one was my choice... I'd make the same decision all over again... I didn't want her to miss a thing. I didn't want her life to be filled with my mistakes and yelling people and immature adults... I wanted her to have childhood where she was WANTED. Where she was welcomed. Where she wasn't constantly Othered. 

To remain with Crickets for so long, I decided in my head that I could abstain from motherhood. That I could simply give it up all together, because in my head, I just never saw him able to sling a diaper bag or be that dad who could give up a Saturday to take kids to the park. He's not dad material... And it took me almost a decade to realize it... 


I fear so much that I am selfish, that I know that worry is proof that I'm not. Crickets hasn't ever experienced true selflessness... I hope he gets more use out of his precious mini fridge than he did out of me shoveling his constant negativity... That I was someone to shoulder all his baggage... He had gotten so hurt from me feeling safe enough to explore my own trauma and get more in touch with myself and selfawareness... I wasn't in tune with him anymore... But was I ever?

But when was he in tune with me? When did he stop wanting to know me? When did he stop wanting to see me grow? Probably when he knew he couldn't keep up? Or he realized I wanted so much more than he was willing to give. Or able to...

He never trusted me with opening up to me... About me. But I returned that offer in kind... He wasn't doing anything, I'll follow his lead because he gets upset if I don't XYZ... And I don't want to upset him. I won't be the one to upset him... But good gravy, he was always in a sour mood. He won the office and got a space away from me... He wanted to have his own space but he wanted me to beg him for attention? After awhile I stopped letting him know; and we drifted away from each other... He never said thank you and never acknowledged me first... He never prioritized me and matched enthusiasm with what I liked to do, comparitively to whenever he had something to do, I gave him a lot more... I felt like sometimes I was very [meshed] with him... But he never really lmk when he wanted attention or acted hot for me or wanted me. To feel wanted... That's a basic need... 

But who wants me now? 


...

Who would want to be my friend? Who would want to hang out? I feel like my parents ruined me and my ambitions for a better life... Being Othered my entire life... And then expected to follow the formula of a wife and motherhood in order to not be ostracized.... Expected to stay put for a long time... 

How do I stay and build a community?  How do I survive in such lonely frigid climates? 

...
Snow.


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