Who Starts a Blog in Their mid-30s?

I'm on the precipice of change; the end of a four year relationship that was (in my own head) supposed to be forever; a lot of new social connections, flirtatious and beyond; family sicknesses, serious/acute/chronic; aging parents; and ISO a new, healthier community. I was diagnosed with Autism about two years ago, and I also found a case study from 1998 that was done on me... I was the main subject, and after reading and discussing attributes with my younger self (and my current therapist), I think I can answer a lot of questions about autism and why women aren’t diagnosed until later. 

And upon reflections of how I was raised and the expectations thrusted upon me just because I was “of age” …making sense of this nonsense, trying to grip onto what makes me a good person, versus a worthy life lived? The accomplishments that I have achieved, seem so miniscule when I start comparing myself to those younger or older than me, having babies and children just because it’s expected. Where are they now? Do they regret their kids? Do the kids know or are they shielded? Are they shown up for, are their needs met? Are they even liked by their parents? Are they friends? I'm only talking with my Dad when there's major family news or he needs to “touch base” with me. What do we have to talk about though? I don’t view religion the same as him. Religion and church have always been either boring or unimportant. Or nonsense. I have always felt out of place there. 

I'm nearing what used to be known in the 1990s, as a mid-life crisis, and I'm coming to the realization that absolutely no one has their shit together, 100% of the time. I thought everyone was doing so much better than me, but when I look back at the mountains of maturity I had to endure at such a young age, compared to my cohorts, it would make sense that I've been Autistic this entire fucking time. I wish I could go back, and not only hug my younger self, and assure her that the side-eyes and the glares and the back talk, they weren’t her fault. The adults that were trying to raise me, didn’t know wtf they were doing, they were 23 and 25 when they had a family... You're brain isn't even done growing until you're in the late 20s... Lol.

Do you remember yourself back then? Being forever bonded to a person you barely know and just expected to have the same exact marriage as your parents?? Twenty year olds? ….they’re idiots. We were all idiots at 20… You can be told 1000 times what life is going to throw at you and what to expect… But I gurantee that no one can live your life besides you. Life will toss in a grenade if you’re not careful. 

I can tell you that I've been hurled into very intense emotional situations and I can talk about very sensitive topics about the shit I've been through, with poise and grace. I want to tell my life story, not for fame or fortune. But for the spread of knowledge and hope for a better tomorrow.

I want to leave behind a legacy, a record of what happened to me, and my family, through the lens of an autistic, female-born cis white woman, from the midwest, born into boomer and genXr’s expecations of their respective worlds. It makes me want to ask others, what their expectations were of me and my siblings? What value was placed upon us as wives first and then mothers, never considering anything other than sacrifice after sacrifice, after sacrifice? The pressures to follow only one map in life...seems rather boring. 

To our Mom… what did you think our lives were supposed to be like? What was our lives supposed to mean to us? How we were raised, and the type of woman we were expected to become…did we get it right? Was …was what I have done worth it? I am so behind compared to the rest of my community. I’ll just be over here, a village witch, as the universe intended.

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I was in speech therapy most of elementary school because, well… because I wasn’t talking. I couldn’t put the right sounds together in my head to make a noise that sounded like the sounds I was hearing. 

The connections I had with emotions, and understanding concepts that not a lot of people tend to think about, were the questions that I kept having over and over and over, but never answered? No. But I was also told to shut up a lot and left behind or left alone. I'm ok being alone in a room, occupying myself. And, so …I observed those around me...

I watched a lot of TV and movies... That's where I learned a lot. Theater teaches... It's mostly entertainment, sure. But I associate with people and define relationships based on how someone else reminds me of a character on a show or an example of a character quality. Apparently, most others just had a good home life... My dad likes to talk to me like I did have a good home life or maybe he thinks with enough time, that I'd just forget... And I've never understood that. 

My parents split when I was 7. ...

Most of the time, Mom was really mean to Dad. But Dad was sarcastic back to Mom, and didn’t talk about her or think of her as “thank god I got her in my life and she’s worth being married to.” That’s what I was taught marriage was. Marriage was complete sacrifice of oneself, to the other, forever, like, the promise you had in your heart, dedicating yourself to the other's well-being... 

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Dad started not talking to me first. It’s not that he doesn’t love me less, it’s just that he doesn’t value me to come visit just cause. I'm not entertaining enough for him to pay attention to. His friends and his schmoozing people who stroke his ego… that’s what is important to him. 

As a child, I had to compete with jesus for birthday status. I kinda always wished we celebrated my birthday in July... Christmas in July. Better outfits, more sunshine, and better time for ice cream cake. Oh, and everyone would've been available to celebrate my birthday with me.

I will gladly hang up my self pride for a little parental hand out. I'd rather eat than starve. But I also want to know the directions… the destination I'm heading towards would be infinitely better if I could figure out my damage and work on myself again to become independent... life isn't a romcom you can operate through montages, this isn't Click. You actually have to work at living a good life as a good person... 

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I wish I could visit my family more, honestly. I wish I could just live closer to better, more sane family.

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Crickets and I ended things because we were never on the same energy wavelength, let alone the same page. I became so incredibly co dependent on him... And he stopped talking to me... We weren't right for each other... We both projected what we wanted the other to be for us instead of loving the other the way we feel love... 

He also wanted me to fight with him all the time... Like if I didn't raise my voice or argue, I didn't really care about us... I just wanted to stop being his emotional punching bag... He never believed in my capabilities... And he never could encourage me... He had no idea how to encourage himself and he was incredibly negative most of the time. He was really good at always considering my feelings... But with that worry, he stopped knowing me. He stopped getting to know me. He also hates my playful bratty side... And then he wondered why I never really got into it physically with him. He never spoke up what he wanted and we never defined our boundaries and triggers. 

He loves his curse words and dirty ass mouth. After awhile of not drinking, I started seeing more cracks, but I didn't have a safe enough plan B to fall back on. Again, incredibly co dependent... It wasn't healthy. 

I thought we were the best of friends. I thought what was just love bombing, was true love... That my abundance of love would cure his anger issues... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA

I was disillusioned... 

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I tend to fall in love with my friends in a certain capacity. Sexual desire and explicit physical acts are reserved for a particular few, they know who they are. And I yield that power exclusively for myself. My wants.

If we aren’t growing towards bettering ourselves, then what’s the point of being together?  

I didn’t want a relationship like any of my parents’… I wanted to marry my best friend. I wanted to be with a person who wanted to cuddle me on a sofa and who looked forward to seeing my face brighten when they entered a room. I wanted to be considered and honored and romanced. I wanted to be valued. And without that friendship and without this relationship… who am I?

Snow.