Spiked

Imagine it, 2019. 

Crickets and I had known each other for about three years, and we had just started dating again. I was mentally preparing to attend a Soccer game one day because, like concerts, soccer games were really important to him. And I wanted to participate in his life, because I had been trained my entire life that that’s how you make friends… involve yourself in your loved one’s activities. I don't think he got the same memo. But of course, I got tired of asking him for attention after we had moved in together....

Anyway, I hadn’t attended a game yet, and I was trying to keep up with the games and the scores and accumulating red and black dresses to wear to tailgating and events because that’s how I like to prepare; I love fashion. So one home-game night, he had gone to a game alone, like he always had before, and after I had worked at my job all day, the plan was to go to his place of business, catch the second half of the game on their tv, and then he show up after the game was over and we head back to his place from there.

 

I walk in to the bar, and all his coworkers ask me, “did you see him?” ...."What? What are you talking about?” ……………………..

 

So.

 

In Atlanta, it is a celebrated tradition at the beginning of every United Soccer Home Game, that people are randomly selected (like a week prior to the game) to bring in the very large Golden Spike, for some famous person to whack it with a toy hammer three times and fire and brimstone shoot out of it… it’s a whole thing. Go Atlanta! Right?

 

Crickets had gotten randomly selected, and then proceeded to not tell me about it for a whole week! In fact, he never bothered telling me! I don't even know what happened that week... I didn't know he was brimming with excitement within himself; he never let me in on how proud and excited he was for himself.... He told his manager/friend because she was standing right there when he had received the news (honestly not mad about that) but he had NEVER told me. Why? Because the email stated to not tell anyone. That it was a surprise. Mind you, I wasn’t part of this community yet and I hadn’t attended a game yet. So there was literally no one I could've told... and with that expression, I wouldn't have posted it anywhere on FB... Because I'm respectful of other people's thunder. 

 

He never told me he was carrying in The Spike. He never let me know the significance. I sat there at the bar, watching the game, wishing for him to break both his legs. It still doesn’t make any sense to me that he would staunchly refrain from telling me this news. His "partner" ... His girlfriend. His significant other.... 

 

When he finally got to the bar after the game, he walks in and all his coworkers are congratulating him and saying what a cool honor it was. …he then proceeded to retell his epic experience with a complaint, because of course he had to look his OWN gift horse in the mouth, and I sat there slightly happy at his stupid plight. I sat there in silence because we were in public, in front of his friends and coworkers. I was insanely embarrassed and hurt that he never told me. That I was embarrassed and hurt that he didn’t feel like 1) I wanted to know, and 2) he didn’t feel like he should make an exception for me to know, because, and I quote, “they said not to tell anyone, I shouldn’t have even told [his manager/friend]”. It never occurred to him that a significant celebration of who he is and how he identifies should’ve been shared with his partner. ….me. It amazes me that he never put in as much enthusiastic effort towards my interests as I did for his. I understand that I never really pushed it, but knowing how much he hated doing everything I liked, and he would tell me every time he had to put on a button down or wake up early--for me--...so I eventually stopped asking. I didn't want him to do things he hated all the time. So to be with him, I would thus become smaller than I was. I would become the person he wanted me to become. 

I just thought he’d want to be apart of what I liked doing like I was expressing for him. He’s an introvert that loves extrovert activities with loved ones. I'm the opposite. I'm more of an extrovert who likes quiet, introvert activities with my loved ones.

 

Anyway, back at the bar in 2019, after the game, he saw how hurt I was, and how insanely quiet I was, because I wasn’t about to blow up at him in public; I didn’t need to be MORE humiliated. He apologized and I accepted….. But then, I attended a game.

 

I don't remember which game I had attended first--he probably does. I know it was in 2021, because 2020, everything was canceled. There was a very pretty woman who was chosen from the community. Blonde, 1950s rockabilly vibe, rainbow garb with the jersey, dressed to the 9’s with glitter, showing off her and her boo’s matching tattoos of hot wings, hers were Flats and his Drumsticks, almost so-cute-you-wanna-barf, but having fallen in love with hot wings myself, I am also Team Flats lol.

Anyway, I attended my first game. EVERYONE was made aware of who was carrying in The Spike during tailgating. EVERYONE was congratulating them and celebrating them…. There was so much support and fire and energy towards this one fucking person. EVERYONE who was anyone in the community, knew.

And then after the hype circle and after the parade of marching into the stadium… at the very beginning of the game, The Spike was brought in. Attending a live game is intensely energetic, I really fell in-love with the frenzi and the energy of it all. It is incredibly wonderful and what I’d liken to a religious experience. No annoying announcers or stupid commercials. Just pure fandom with other sporty nerds! There's people leading chants and waving very big heavy flags and people managing instruments and relaying official information from stadium staff... 

And then the people in the band supporters section GO HARD in supporting this person carrying in The Spike with five other people who have their own supportive groups going nuts. And this person I had once called a romantic partner …this person that was supposed to be the exception and my best friend, and someone I could rely on... I wanted to cry in that moment.

I saw the significance this group was pouring out for Team Flats and I wanted to crumble up and blow away into the wind of nonexistence. Clearly, it wouldn’t have mattered whether or not I had attended. “I wanted to share this with you” but not all the way, right? Not when you're celebrating yourself with YOUR moment. Wasn't worth sharing with you partner... 

 

You wanted the glory for yourself. You didn’t want to include me in your life because you thought I didn’t want to be apart of it… because I didn’t like crowds? Lol. Bitch, I leaped out of my comfort zone again, and again, and again, FOR YOU. And what did you do for me? I kept waiting for you to match me, I kept waiting for you to do something for me, like plan a fucking date. I wanted to not make more decisions, I just wanted to be pampered and dotted on from time to time... not just to "cheer me up" or when there was an official occasion. ….you couldn’t even bother getting to the ONE episode of Doctor Who with Van Gogh...FOR ME?! You'll never get to the tshirt. Couldn’t be bothered scrouging up enough spoons for me, right? Couldn’t be bothered making time for me. Your partner. Like I was for you. You kept taking my energy over and over, but you almost never reciprocated it. You never consistently reminded me how much I was loved. I kept waiting. And waiting.

You wanted me to participate in all these activities for you, but you really didn’t want me there, it really wouldn’t have made a difference. I wasn't that important to you. Not really.

And I ignored these intensely hurt feelings because it wasn’t the time or place in the moment of celebrating Team Flats. It was her moment. I barely knew her, but I didn’t want to take away her moment, not that I could have… it was entirely too loud, in the best way possible. I ignored these feelings, and because I compartmentalize intense emotions, especially anger, I forgot. Thanks Brain, and cPTSD! Big helps! 

...

If I was to relive that moment, and if I had my Sass and Confidence back, I'd have excused myself to the bathroom and gone back home. I'd have texted him 10min later, "I'm upset. I went home. Enjoy the game. Ttyl." ...idk what would've happened after that... But it still makes me tear up with disappointment that he never celebrated that significant moment with me... It'll never make sense, I guess. 

...

As I fall into a new hobby, of course I have to do it my own way. So I had made flash cards of all the chants, out of blank greeting cards of black, white, and gold. The titles of the chants were written in Red, and the rest in bold black sharpie. I understand that they have all their chants online, here… HOWEVER a lot of the supporters are waving hands and clapping and tossing beer and cannot utilize their phones, especially if their phones were hundreds-of-dollars-worth… I expanded my pants/shorts pockets so they can house my expensive phone AND my stack of chants and other little things like keys/wallet/inhaler. Purses are for the weak in this scenario. I wanted to be the best girlfriend. The expert in all the chants even though I probably couldn’t lead anyone in anything… I wanted to know all the common chants.

I know he had aspirations of me wanting that same honor of carrying in The Spike, but that desire from him felt too fatherly. Like, he wanted “his daughter to wear white and gold” or whatever team we were rooting for… I don’t want that. I wanted to be included like, immersed naturally, in a partner’s life, not carry on some family tradition like I was someone’s legacy. …you and I had different college experiences.  

 

Watching movies and tv shows is second nature to me. I quote movies and tv shows… we would've created more memes and inside jokes between us, but you didn’t want that; you never bothered. You couldn’t take a gummi and chill out like I had for games and concerts?… and just enjoy me on your lap, cuddling you while I enjoyed sharing this one tv show or this movie I love a lot? You couldn’t sacrifice an hour from watching your precious switches and twitches and youtube? You had no time for the things I liked and wanted to do.

This issue has never been resolved because I guarantee you that he holds onto to the stupid belief that he followed the directions… “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone” which, as we all know now, he didn’t even fucking do correctly, anyway.

 

Took me a long time to realize he never really wanted me in his life. If he thinks differently, if he thought he loved me, he never loved me more than himself like I did of him. I don't know if he was toxic or I was… but he never made me feel wanted or loved or desired. He never wanted me in his life.

 

 

Snow.