The St. Louis Snow

Sleep deprivation keeps me on edge. Constant noise, banging around, moving ... And causing constant disruptions.  I'd be in a moment of thought, and a sudden noise like a parent yelling for no reason yelling something I didn't understand. If I didn't understand it, why would I remember it? I do recall eventually having to stop whatever I was in the middle of and I do remember there was always a lot of yelling about behavior... But no one had the words to convey what they wanted or needed... Calmly.  How I can I provide something I didn't first understand. And how would you want to have conveyed better? My mother snored like a fucking bear. With a chainsaw. And a jackhammer.  . Crickets was a HORRIBLE BEDFELLOW. Sex was fine. Whatever. But as a guest in my bed he was very disrespectful. I am a light sleeper. He could've found a solution to make himself not snorey.... And for those who are like, nah that's your own things to deal with.... K. What that argument wou...

Do you ever wonder about what your family would discover or uncover about you if you suddenly left? Would they notice? How many days before the stench settled in, f your absence?  What would be the most surprising to them? The variety of cereal you purchased for yourself for "meals?" Or the variety of sex toys?  Would there be evidence of all your failures stacked up in a corner or would there be proof that you tried?  I'm really good at sobbing silently. Of writing woes so no one has to hear me wail. I try to keep everything together, but I feel like I keep everyone at arm's length. No one is safe if they can't see me as is. ....  No one can be trusted. Everyone lies to the pretty girl. I have many flaws like everyone else... The rooms I can afford to rent are getting smaller. I wish I could vanish and travel... But I'm bogged down with stuff. The people and personalities that used to get stuff done are just packages of trauma I don't have time to unpack....

Idk what it's like to be an immigrant ... But I know an ounce of being othered. I have issues with taking care of myself, but I'm trying to keep it together as long as possible... The façade of being ok is more important than being ok. Happy Father's Day... Thanks, Dad. I am moving soon. Idk where, yet. I am so very tired. ... How should young foreign people (immigrant students) define their American dreams? Define their generation? That is what the fight is... I went through a microcasm of trauma every few years, from when I was 6 to about 22...I felt out of control. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be doing what was happening....  My cohorts went through 3 to 6 years of college life and graduated and had the roommate experience.... Dorm life. Student debt.  Barely graduated hs, I failed 1 year of university in bumfuck KY, had a year or two of black-out drinking in ATL, got graped, moved back in with my crazy loon of a mother, and had a kid... Almost died giving birth,...

Topher saw her existing the club. He had sat in the old photo booth, half hiding from a phased Emcee who was unaware of personal space. She had on a waist belt made of Daisies.  His comedy set was ok. He wasn't that proud of the jokes. He thought he did ok. The headliner after him was bombing and had resorted to making fun of the drunk Emcee. Her sass and tenacity transcended her inhibitions and she tore him a new one on stage. She was the hilarious one. He was not funny.  That's when Daisy Belt left. She was white as snow, denim jacket, and her smile reflected her confidence. He wondered who she was in this city. He stays sober during shows, mostly. He doesn't need distractions or clog his brain. He's a performer.  Is Daisy?

I don't feel real. I feel like if I didn't exist, no one would notice for a few days.  Dad = church = unsafe Mom = also isolated= unsafe Sister = has her own issues = unsafe Brother = golden child = the church = unsafe I feel like I've isolated from the rest of my family even though I've tried reaching out to ppl that are safe... They are too busy.  I'm not about the going out culture anymore. I'm not about gaming. I'm not about alcohol or being stoned all the dang time...  I like to have long, in depth conversations. I love to hear about loved one's infodumps. I love karaoke... Making playlists. Listening to podcasts. Working. Watch movies/shows with loved ones. I would like to have more of a social life, outside of work, but I feel like no one sees me. No one wants to know me.  I don't exist.

I attracted a subby man at a Munch. Surprise surprise...  Look, everyone likes different music, different media ... What have you.  However, guys...gays. the whatever's out there: HE DOESNT ...DIDNT KNOW WHO OUTKAST WAS. *screech the record*  Right? I'm some Midwestern misfit and even iiiiiiiiiiiiii know who OUTKAST is.  I have never been so turned off in my life. Lol. Gtf away from me. If you don't know who OutKast is, then you certainly don't know Andre is... So. Nope.  Lol .... I tend to grow immune to bad smells bc that was childhood. A lot of bad smells to and from each household. Mom would let the sink pile up and rot, every 14 days and we had a little brother to clean up, after.  Back and forth. Every two weeks. Drastically changing income tax brackets back and forth. From a multimillion-dollar household to an atmosphere much like Married with Children, only my mother was single and white... Back and forth we went.... A back and forth we stayed... I ...