Posts

True Happiness?

I saw you. Twice now.  Totally honest? I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you've found true happiness and true depth and are growing fondly of your partner. I hope you're not repeating the patterns of woe that were in our relationship.  I had stupidly given a boy my heart, thinking it was reciprocated... I thought you had given me yours, but all you wanted was to be admired, all you wanted was constant validation without the work of growth and change and becoming stronger together... You never trusted me with your heart. You never wanted me to love you all the way... Maybe bc you never healed enough to know how to live yourself. You had kept saying I was "the brains of the operation," but were you saying that phrase facetiously?  Were you making fun of me? You had always thought that I was more emotionally intelligent than you, but I'm not sure why you never trusted me to learn of your inner chaos. I once thought that your dirty mouth was the only one to ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Wealth

I never thought I could fall again. I never thought I'd catch these feelings again. I never thought I'd be so appreciated back, ever. I keep anticipating an outburst or an eye roll or gaslighting to save his own face.  B is turning out to be absolutely wonderful. I can see how much love he has for me, the amount of times Ive caught him staring but ignored him bc ... Driving . Or we were in class.  He's fascinated by my eyes and "the flecks of gold" they have. I've seen his eyes grow heavy and serious with intent before kissing me. I never thought I'd find someone so easy to love, and someone who easily loved me back. We are trying not to say the  L word to one another too early... But I just want to hurry up. When I know I know... I wouldn't mind waking up to him for the rest of my life. I've finally found a teammate? In a condo, in the city, with a dog and a partner. Be a safe haven for our collective nibblings... I think it took experiencing bein...
Post a Comment
Read more

Steps

Sometimes I think about the desire to have kids. To birth another human. It's like a biological clock set up by society.  Statistically, women are having kids later in life, when they can afford them and actually want them... When they're ready to start a family. I'll always be a little jealous of that.  However, this cuntry and the laws and policies being etched into holding a license to save lives, it is UNSAFE TO BE PREGNANT NOW. What happened to me could happen again... And I 100% believe I'd be left to bleed out on the table... Than someone losing their license to save people... Tell me how that makes sense.  The alt-Reich is claiming they're all about saving lives, but they've been weaponizing despair. They aim to control... What better herd of sheeple than the devout? American Christians are always the most arrogant, narrow-minded nincompoops ever to claim knowledge of what God wants... It's never made sense to me growing up in that household, being t...
Post a Comment
Read more

No Pressure (dfh)

He excites me in ways Crickets used to. I am a wildly expressive person with stories out the wazoo ...I am cautious. I know that I'm beautiful and fascinating. Am I just a new shiny thing or am I a serious consideration? We are exclusive. We have titled Babe to one another. And the connection is palpable. Our starsust connection. I know that I have grown for the better since Crickets.  I quit smoking. ... I know I'm a different person with actual goals and plans. With interests that I didn't have to fight for center stage bc he claims he's here for everything... Did I wish for him? (Practical Magic). Did others put their wishes out into the universe for me to find happiness in another? I am attracted to those that reflect the good parts I like about myself. He is goofy, kind, and patient. I think he's handsome and funny. He's CLEAN. Tall. He brushes his teeth and .. He makes me laugh. He loves my writing and I know he's going to read this. He makes space fo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ties

I broke up with Ginger. He's still a good man, but I think I need and want more attention than what he had to spare me of his spoons. His family should and does take president... And I wish him the best.  I have a date tonight with R tonight. Either sushi or wings, bc I've been hankering for both. He's a big 🍃head... And my new roommate has a high sensitivity that I 110% forgot about so I will need to set more clean boundaries if I continue this relationship. I am very interested in a Dynamic... We did have an errand date last week that ended in a good rainstorm/emotional cry and hand-holding affection... But I'm unsure if it would be healthy as far as the partying and alcohol culture he seems to participate in. It feels like I'd be going backwards and repeating my dating history. I met R thru volunteering at Dragoncon and I really like him as a person.  What is the proper way to date as a Neurodivergent? My expectations are high for others... What's the end go...
Post a Comment
Read more

Who do I write these for?

I find it funny that I almost died where I was born ...like if I wrote my life down, it would sound made up...I almost died where I gave birth... I almost made the ultimate sacrifice for a life. I may have made the ultimate sacrifice of motherhood... And I'd do it all again...  I recall that my dad had sent flowers. That was the bare minimum of his efforts that he could spare... He lived out of state... I wonder if he would have sent flowers for my funeral, just as well...  .... What does she want out of life? This anomaly of a life? I survived what 1 in 4 women do, from childbirth. I was 22. I was told it would be fine. That I would be fine. I almost sacrificed my life for another. Am I supposed to exist in this reality? What do I want out of the years ahead? I want independence and quietness... Balance. Less chaos. Chill and artful. Creative and community driven... Building a career and a name for myself. Healthy... What's that? Isn't the millennial diet eating once a day...
Post a Comment
Read more

Exasperated

It's like I'm allergic to anger. I wish I could identify my emotions better, in the moment of having them. I always feel like I can't bring up my gripes with men. With anyone, really. I shut down or avoid... How do I fix it? How do I fix myself? Do I need saving?  💚 is the only thing that calms me down. Doesn't last as long as a gummy... That's why I like to smoke. Takes the edge off. And I'm not a wake and bake person... It's just nice to unwind time to time.  I want to work on anger...but with safe people. I want to work on direct eye contact in intense moments.  Not with some dude who sees my good-mother energy and they're attracted to that. "Falls in love with a strong woman?" Is that your kink? ... NOT my bag. I don't want to ever be my partner's mommy. *Audible gag that means vomit is coming* than an equal partner. Why would I ever? That connection of idolized incest is disgusting.  So I've looked up my surname here in Ga... ...
Post a Comment
Read more