The St. Louis Snow

Today (29th), I decided this morning would be the perfect time to completely change my life forever, fifteen years ago.  Just another day in this neighborhood of life where everyone around me acts normally. It's not like people ask. They just assume it's just another day in everyone else's reality, too... Just another Tuesday, in 2024. Going slowly. Forever in time as we speak... After I gave birth to them, I almost died. ... I'd make the exact same decisions bc I wouldn't miss my kid the way their mom misses them. How do I miss someone I only knew in time for two days? Someone without choice. Before I had total final withdrawal.... I knew it would be ok. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. Both for their benefit and for myself. I didn't want to be bound to a city I outgrew. I didn't want to be stuck in a micro society where I was known as the slow kid. The cute ditz.... I didn't want to get stuck there with a baby with someone. Living with my...

The state of this country thrives on division. This isn't my notion of supporting the nincompoops who say "why can't we all just get along?" or All Lives Matter, bs... Like, how would you spin a Fool like Captain Skidmarks into power, annnnd gain traction with who he already was in youth. He has never had anyone tell him no.  It shows.  ....everyone has their own bubble of reality and their own version or interpretation of what reality is... and insists that EVERYONE ELSE wants that life, too.  I'm all for throwing dinner parties on the notion of consent and what things are. Is this a fancy dinner party where we are meeting about work....? Networking and getting further in life, redefining what success is and that it can vary from person to person.  I am a brilliant writer. I like and love to observe. I want to be wanted where I am, so I just assume I'm welcome until otherwise stated. I had seen a post on fb where "if a mediocre Whyte man does it without ...

Writing out that daily timeline really helped. I didn't get breakfast, but I did get up and going a lot easier.  Maybe Zoloft finally kicked in... Or maybe the anticipation of this weekend has got me ... Thinking there might be a better way to operate.  I'm definitely in burnout, but I'm super happy I have a stable job with full benefits so... There's that.  Emotionally, I'm seeing a few people and possibly starting a podcast with a friend. Idt anyone really reads these posts besides the few I mentioned above, and just when I ask about it. They give no indication otherwise, so I figure they don't.  ... I met a gentle giant recently. I am excited about him. He is very sweet and has a brain beyond his rippling pectorals.... So... Exciting. Lol.  ... Work is going well and social is going well. Existential dread averted for now. ... Snow. 

530 to 8am... Wake up Write stuff... Doomscroll 830a, alarm Dread. Procrastinating  915 ish... Get ready...  Shower. Dress. Make up and jewelry...  Not always shower... Sometimes food... Most times just water.... 940a, call for Uber/Lyft 10a work Usually coffee, no lunch... Sometimes snack.  Off by 430 to 630, 7. Depends on schedule/day Food? Sometimes.  Sometimes I have a social life! There's bowling on Wednesday. Sometimes I go out with friends or meet new friends. I really just know how to date but sometimes I don't know how to function as a friend. I think I live by montaging... The stories I tell myself to stay sane about family and about friends is deteriorating.  ...Disassociate for several hours... Social media. TV. I try to read or craft sometimes to do something else. Anything else... 11p ish, try to start to wind down. Pop a melatonin to quiet my brain.  My room is horrendously cluttered... I went from a whole household to a 10x10 room. I'm ...

Do you remember your bedroom growing up? I had a few.  Up until I was 10, I shared my room with my older sister... I had my own room, after that. I had a room at Dad's house, but it wasn't really my room... I had a few bedrooms at my mom's bc they changed so much... We moved a lot...  My room at Dad's was ...girlie and barren. Mom's was collectables and books. At Mom's, I decorated the border with pictures of old muscle cars from a calendar I used to get every Christmas. A lot LOT of Corvettes and mustangs and chargers... A few concept cars.  On my folding doors, I used wall putty to put up photos of family and friends. So I wouldn't feel so out of touch...  In HS, my mom got us each a phone line. She got sister a clear boring one, the whole casing and receiver was transparent.... But mine? She got me a '63 silver t top stingray. It was so cool! Tires got in the way sometimes but it made me very happy.  In Juno, when she had a cheeseburger 🍔 phone... I ...

Sometimes I wonder about how I'll die... I'm not having bad thoughts, I still want to live.... Like, most people don't get to choose their death, let alone afterlife ... Do we realize too late that we are in fact, in control of our own lives? I have been so much to other people, I am quite tired of being not myself, sometimes.  But how I want to live isn't apparently within the grasp of nothing I have built. I don't think I'm growing the way that I want. I want to instill better routines... Trust myself, again... How?  I want to write a book. And I want to write a few different books. ....now I'm complicating things again. I want to help kids understand the world... Autistic kids who don't think they're anything special. We are the original special! Special... Capital S...  The moment I stopped respecting my dad, was the moment he started openly protesting to vote for The Orange Skudmarks. Like... Gross. He isn't, "a flawed man," he is ...

I purposely bumped into an Ex's friend last night. I remembered afterwards that that was probably awkward. Not sure where they are now... Or where the ex is... I wonder what he tells people... Probably that I was a bitch and I didn't do anything. Lol. Which would be funny because he would omit the fact that he didn't do anything either.... Blow up at people like it's normal. Drink a lot... Ugh. We should've just remained friends... But I felt so lonely and so incredibly defeated. "Good luck, kid" is the last thing he actually said to me. So demeaning... Kid. ...kid?  I miss his goofiness... But then he'd dismiss mine or play devil's advocate, or just dispell my goofiness... Play. Playing is so important. He hated my bratty side... So I hid myself and cut out parts of myself bc I was with him, and I thought that's what he wanted... He never could explain his emotions without getting incredibly loud. It was super triggering and is something I am ...