The St. Louis Snow

Physical connection is very important to me. I get to choose who has access to me and when. I love being with certain people at certain times in my life. ... In background and at home, I always want to have B. I want to come home to him and be able to hug him anytime I want. I feel intoxicated around him and it's only when we are alone.  When we are out in the world, we are probably perceived as that cutesie new couple... I don't feel embarrassed around him and I am drunk with mutual respect. He values my intellect and direction in crowded spaces. He likes that I can take charge in certain situations and tell him with my eyes that I'm ok and happy... But he can read me and talk to me like how I talk to myself. It's really easy to mirror him because I love what I see...  I love that I can see the gold flecks of his soul when he peers into mine. I've only had these moments a few times in my life... Remember moments I felt a certain way and could express my love in the...

I think I speak fluent incel... Not because I agree with anything they stand for, but because I understand the arrogance. I was raised by a wanna-be WASP and an actual human being (my mom). I understand her the most because I have given birth... that's all. That's all I have experienced of motherhood. I survived giving birth... I almost made the ultimate sacrifice. I didn't raise myself through that, my mother was there too.... I understand the obtuseness of my parents' shortcomings... Their personal obtuseness is clear in the types of media they consume.  My mother has softened over time... And she is slipping, sometimes... But she is still a measurably, good person. I often wonder what a single white man, middle age, childless, does with his time... Where are they supposed to be in life by now? What are the messages that get slammed down their throats?  I feel like most of my childhood, I was expected to train as a caregiver... I was enrolled in a "how to babysit...

There are mistakes and there are regrets. There are differences, in which constitutes one's character and how you live with the consequences.  Mistakes are just failed attempts until you get it right... Annnnd, you should be able to let hurt and grief go... The people who can't let things go are often emotionally stunted. ...they grip onto the grief like a life raft, but they're never going to fit on the floating door, ya know? I have few regrets... The most recent one is when I chose my selfish ex over my dying grandfather. I still haven't forgiven myself for that choice. The fact that Crickets made that opportunity about him and how HE was being treated was stupid.  HE could never meet me emotionally... Which was always funny that he'd admit that I was more emotionally intelligent but then never trusted me with his emotions...  "She's the brains of the operation" ...was kinda backhanded... He never emotionally invested in me and trusted my judgement....