The St. Louis Snow

I had a dream that I was watching a mutual friend's wedding reel online. Out-of-state, I couldn't go. But I saw my ex, and he looked good in a suit.  It kinda made me happy... 1, men in suits are hot... 2, he HATES wearing suits. Lol. So I knew he was being tortured, but couldn't do anything about it.  ... I'm unsure where he is in life. I hope he felt his feelings and really processed everything. I hope he's had some rebounds and came to the conclusion that we were probably supposed to stay friends, but not date. I can't imagine us still together, honestly. He never had the equivalent equipment of emotional maturity. Or self expression that was calm. Easy. I understand that relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows... But he just never expressed his true emotions, and assumed I could read his mind. And I kept telling him my things, but ofc I mistook his silence for compliance. Because "you can't handle me and it would kill me to hurt you"...

December 28, 2023, Crickets and I finally called it quits. After March 2024, I never really saw him again. I had lost a lover but I also thought I had lost a best friend... I had kept waiting for a ring and he kept waiting for me to tell him when I wanted to hang out... lol. We weren't on the same page.  . All the things never said aloud because he was "afraid of the emotions you would have if you only knew. I don't ever want to jump down your throat. It would kill me to hurt you."  ... Eastside song reminds me of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. The way they speak about their partners... Pure love. Innocent.  I wonder who administers the shackles we suffer in life? Do you think we had the key the entire time, within?  ... I like me better by Lauv. It always plays after Eastside. It's a great transition.  ... I forgot to feed the dog. Brb.  ... I think Crickets really liked the way I looked at him. When I believed in him... When I thought I knew him and saw me as...

I don't have a lot to do. I am bored when I'm not socializing or at work. No one expects anything from me. I've shook responsibilities from my person. If I was a pet goldfish, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now.  My parents don't call, and neither does other family. Everyone expects me to attend church. A church. Find a husband so I can settle down and be taken care of. ... yes, I would like to build something with someone... But what else do I fill my days with?  Cleaning? Lol. The motivation to do anything is exhausting. Idk my place in this world if it's not working. I'm just glad it's not in front of a computer.  Part of me kinda wants a more quiet job .... But I also think that's the depression talking. My brain wants to keep me safe and in doors... I hate having closing shifts because my days are boring.  I just feel like I could be doing more, but then I shut down bc I'm overwhelmed. It's really annoying.  ... Cuddles with Roomie...

How can someone be so unaware of the world? There's so much going on... How would I be able to communicate with another in a healthy way? What does that even look like? Who am I if I can't be me?  I hang out in my room too much but then I just sit here on my bed and do nothing but doomscroll, sharing videos I relate to. Like updating my FB with the videos that are changing my mind in real time.  The thing about living with myself is that I have to feel safe, right? I didn't want to be taken care of all the way, I don't want to be treated like a child, like someone had to spoon feed me the answers... I want to be able to take care of myself again... But what I need to be doing is so incredibly daunting, that I simply don't. Maybe it'll take 15min to figure it out. Maybe More... Like a year. Or a few years. How do I map out my life from here? Even on a daily basis? Idk how to plug the holes in my life with the limited fingers I have available.  What do I do if I g...

To be consensual prey is always fun To be on the page in the slot of who is to come To be crossed off someone's list as Done. To get to the state of mind of a release... To figure out what works and what doesn't the least To stick up for oneself to make up the words to say  To form a shield from the hurts of old days If I can speak up for myself as myself, maybe I'll finally be heard? I wish I had an option to choose a person from my past Start things over, maybe it'll last A stranger I've wondered about, a person I've strictly fantasized a pure projection of what I had wanted in that moment, A selfish connection He can be the only one to never know The feelings I had about him, Are the exact same as I've had before of the deeper individuals I clocked from the start It's easier to recognize and lock eyes with others from the same stardust Those who are cut from the same cloth of trauma To know instantly of a good egg and soul  We are intellectually close...