The St. Louis Snow

Mr. Erikson lived next door. Him and his wife were seemingly always the same age; old. Their grandkids would come over to play in their big backyard, next to ours. We would often play together seeing as we were just a few years difference. Everyone probably thought I had had a crush on their eldest boy, Jay Jr. But I did not. Mrs. Erikson, Jay Jr.’s Mom, was always funny and kind. She would always have freshly squeezed lemonade for us kids whenever they were at their grandparents’ next door and the pool was freshly filtered. I was 14 and Jay Jr. was 10. But I didn’t have odd feelings for him. Jay Jr.’s dad--Mr. Jay--didn’t look like my Dad. He was slender, and collected. He definitely looked like a Mr. Erikson in his younger photographs posted all over their home. I never knew what career he held, but it seemed like he was happily productive and provided well. When he drank his wife’s lemonade, he’d say thank you sweetly, winking some secret exclusive between them. I didn’t comp...

I'm still really mad at you. I hope you're well, and getting the proper support to grow instead of feeling stuck all the time. Sorry you thought I was holding you back, man. I'm working thru a lot of anger, while also making new friends, actually feeling the love we had lost years ago.  I was more Godsmacked you enjoyed her company, after only one date, one activity of theatrical wrestling... Kinda wish you had just fucked her. That one would've made sense. I mean, I used to think the sun shone out of your constipated ass. Like, worship and devotion type of patheticness; such attention you never rightly earned, was just given freely to you. I had made a vow in my head (without the mutual consent), but dedicated myself as if you had. I thought I knew you as you knew me. I thought if I stayed available to you, eventually you'd make time for me. .. And you couldn't get comfortable with me being just hanging out with you? You just could never relax around me. And I ...

I wish I was told sooner about the vile of men About how when I started growing hips as a youngin' That the Olds would be commenting consistently on them I wish I was told what was appropriate and what wasn't  From the men who knew better, messing with my innocence for pleasure I was told I was beautiful, but I was never told I was smart or brilliant  Never encouraged to keep going, for my own betterment  I was always someone else or something else's purpose Where were the explanations? Without knowing why, the world around me seemed heartless  I wish I wasn't told there'd be a line out the door for my hand Hand in what? Marriage? At sweet sixteen?! I wish I didn't spend so many years looking for The One to fix me I wish the world had made sense, sooner I wish I was told the dangers life might have in store Whether I'd still bare the same scars I flash freely Showing off the marks of pain and inner wails of screaming Unkind to the demons in the beginning The...

If we could freeze the day and time you found out you were pregnant, and hope to god it was a good thing…. That the other loved one you were confiding in was devastated in you for what your body does naturally. You took it as a moral offense to the innocent nature of protecting? Protecting who, exactly? I get to tell my story the way I want to; I don't know why I had to be protected all of a sudden. My virtue and integrity was misplaced a long time ago, before the incident. I had wanted to live at home finally, with a stable family. But I was 20, and apparently ruining my Dad’s marriage; he told me so… If I had stayed in ATL, and moved in with my dad and his family again to stave off homelessness, he had said that he would've housed me in the shack in the backyard with a radio and a cot. That's it. He was at his wit's end with my behavior.... lol. He never gave me the words that could've saved my life... and now I'm not allowed to regret it because it is someone...

Being the new person somewhere exciting is always quite interesting... The verge of fucking it up is a constant worry to some, to others, they're alight.  A good friend of mine is leaving Atlanta to go off and make new adventures in another big city, New York. It's not her first rodeo, either.  I see a lot of myself in her, but she has the grades and what sounds like strong family support... I'm pretty sure she'll do fine in this next venture in her next chapter of life.  If I had her confidence when I was her age, idk where I'd have ended up. But as far as my life goes, I wouldn't change anything... Atlanta was incredibly different in 2007. It was being placed on everyone's maps as a destination because of OutKast. I didn't know the significance of Andre 3000 when I met him, either.  Learning more about the group and their history in the music scene definitely propped up my ears and heart as far as a relative connection goes. I am not a Southerner like ...