The St. Louis Snow

I find it funny that I almost died where I was born ...like if I wrote my life down, it would sound made up...I almost died where I gave birth... I almost made the ultimate sacrifice for a life. I may have made the ultimate sacrifice of motherhood... And I'd do it all again...  I recall that my dad had sent flowers. That was the bare minimum of his efforts that he could spare... He lived out of state... I wonder if he would have sent flowers for my funeral, just as well...  .... What does she want out of life? This anomaly of a life? I survived what 1 in 4 women do, from childbirth. I was 22. I was told it would be fine. That I would be fine. I almost sacrificed my life for another. Am I supposed to exist in this reality? What do I want out of the years ahead? I want independence and quietness... Balance. Less chaos. Chill and artful. Creative and community driven... Building a career and a name for myself. Healthy... What's that? Isn't the millennial diet eating once a day...

It's like I'm allergic to anger. I wish I could identify my emotions better, in the moment of having them. I always feel like I can't bring up my gripes with men. With anyone, really. I shut down or avoid... How do I fix it? How do I fix myself? Do I need saving?  💚 is the only thing that calms me down. Doesn't last as long as a gummy... That's why I like to smoke. Takes the edge off. And I'm not a wake and bake person... It's just nice to unwind time to time.  I want to work on anger...but with safe people. I want to work on direct eye contact in intense moments.  Not with some dude who sees my good-mother energy and they're attracted to that. "Falls in love with a strong woman?" Is that your kink? ... NOT my bag. I don't want to ever be my partner's mommy. *Audible gag that means vomit is coming* than an equal partner. Why would I ever? That connection of idolized incest is disgusting.  So I've looked up my surname here in Ga... ...

Sleep deprivation keeps me on edge. Constant noise, banging around, moving ... And causing constant disruptions.  I'd be in a moment of thought, and a sudden noise like a parent yelling for no reason yelling something I didn't understand. If I didn't understand it, why would I remember it? I do recall eventually having to stop whatever I was in the middle of and I do remember there was always a lot of yelling about behavior... But no one had the words to convey what they wanted or needed... Calmly.  How I can I provide something I didn't first understand. And how would you want to have conveyed better? My mother snored like a fucking bear. With a chainsaw. And a jackhammer.  . Crickets was a HORRIBLE BEDFELLOW. Sex was fine. Whatever. But as a guest in my bed he was very disrespectful. I am a light sleeper. He could've found a solution to make himself not snorey.... And for those who are like, nah that's your own things to deal with.... K. What that argument wou...